Throwaway account since family knows my main.
I (39 M) have been with my wife (38 F) for 17 Years. We have two amazing kids (5 M and 2 F).
The issue: My Mother-in-Law is awful when it comes to Christmas gifts. Every year, she demands gift lists from the family and then proceeds to ignore them. She thinks knows us so well that she can do better than what we explicitly ask for.
MIL tends to "latch" onto a specific gift idea forever. My wife and her sister get yearly gifts featuring things they haven’t liked since their teens. Another example: We bought our house 10 years ago. That year, we mostly just asked for things for the house. MIL actually did well that year, getting us a set of towels for our bathrooms. However she then latched onto "Towels" and got us new towels EVERY YEAR FOR THE NEXT SIX YEARS. When my wife asked her to stop, MIL got angry and said "I don’t know what your problem is. You said you liked towels."
She’s also competitive with gifts. One year I surprised my wife with a trip to Japan. When MIL found out, she had to show off the necklace that FIL had given her, and bragged about the Cruise tickets that she got him, as if she had to one-up her Daughter.
These are annoyances we can deal with as adults. However, this is starting to affect our kids.
Every year, We spend Christmas Morning as just the four of us, with family coming over in the evening. Two years ago, when they arrived, our Son (then 3) couldn’t wait to show them his favorite new toy from Santa. MIL immediately got jealous over how much he loved this toy and started shoving gifts in his face to try and distract him from it. While he did enjoy most of them, nothing could top his excitement for his Santa gift. Through the day I caught MIL hiding his Santa gift so he would play with the toys she brought instead.
Last year, when we said that they were on their way, our Son began putting his new toys away in his room. When I asked him why he was doing that, he said he was hiding them because he didn’t want Gramma to take them away. When they arrived and she gave him her gifts, she began complaining he wasn’t "excited enough" until my wife intervened.
My wife has never loved Christmas (I get why) and I don’t want our kids to feel the same. Our Daughter is still too young to be affected, but it’s clearly already getting to our Son. We don’t want to cut MIL/FIL out of Christmas, but want to avoid the issues of MIL and gifts.
I spoke to my wife about this and she 100% agreed. When we went to MIL & FIL’s place for Thanksgiving, we sat down with them while the kids went outside playing with their Aunt & Uncle. MIL lost it on us. She ranted that we were "ruining her few Christmases left with her Grandbabies" and said she wasn’t sure they were going to come to Christmas. We stayed for dinner so the kids could visit with A&U (who live out of state), but MIL ignored both my wife and I for the rest of the day.
A(We)TA for telling MIL to not bring gifts to Christmas?
NTA, the only thing I would say you did wrong here was not making the decision about MIL and gifts & telling her immediately after the Christmas before last because what she did with your son’s gift was unhinged.
A better solution for the future might be to do a Christmas gathering with MIL early, ie on Christmas Eve, so she gets first wave of gift giving without competition and then you have a quiet Christmas Day to yourselves.
But that would honestly be buying into her selfish behaviour.
I was ready to say Y.T.A. until getting to the part where she takes his other toys. You’re focusing on the gifts when the issue is MIL overstepping. You should have confronted her the first time she did it and laid down the law. I do think ESH for you trying to tiptoe around the real problem. It didn’t even do you any good.
Tell her to stop taking your kids toys, period. That is not normal.
Of course NTA. If she is going to harass your children it’s best they don’t come at all. She shouldn’t be able to ruin every Christmas for your children.
I think NTA but she sounds pretty unhinged and like she is prepared to throw a fit. As long as you and wife are on the same page AND prepared for MIL backlash together, totally fine. These kind of narcissists are very difficult to reason with.
NTA. I feel so bad for your son! Glad you are protecting your kids from this awful behavior!
NTA. They spoil christmas for you all. Tell the not to com at all.
My sibling and I used to have a game we called Biggest Loser. We would chat on the phone a day or two after Christmas to compare the awfulness of what mom had gotten us or our kids. It was terribly unkind but she was really awful. I finally told her not to buy us gifts. The kids were older and I told her they wanted gift cards only or she could write a check for their college funds. She didn’t like it but tough shit. We didn’t see them around Christmas so we didn’t have that to deal with. Why can’t grandparents just grow up? You are not the AH.
NTA absolutely wrong of MIL to make your son afraid she’ll take his Santa toys?? WTF is wrong with her? What did FIL say?
As a grandmother, I really do love spoiling the grand baby, but I always check with the parents to make sure the gifts are OK. And I wouldn’t care if they didn’t think my gift was the favorite. MIL has some serious issues.
My MIL watched kids for us once. Daughter who was less than 2 had a favorite stuffed. My MIL took it away and gave her the stuffie she had given her the prior Christmas. When we got home daughter asked for her fav which was on a high shelf ( son told us story). She pulled out MIL’s toy and said throw it away. She refused to EVER play with it.
You should cut them out of Christmas. If you have to choose between ruining your in-laws’ Christmas or your kids’, there’s no question who comes first.
Give your kids a couple of days and if you must, see them closer to the New Year and for less time. But tbh, they were the ones who ruined Thanksgiving, I would have told them they were out of Christmas right there.
This is a consequence of their behaviour. They can decide to change their behaviour and get more access. Or they can dig in until they lose the relationship with the grandkids completely.
NTA. Them not coming for Christmas is a perfect solution! Don’t talk her out of it and don’t give in to the emotional blackmail.
I was actually going to suggest doing Christmas the with in-laws the week before. Your kids can enjoy the time with grandparents, then have a little break, then enjoy Christmas Day and Santa with you two.
I’d also have a box or bag handy and as you’re cleaning up after they’ve left, just dump all the unwanted gifts in that box and immediately put it in the back of the car. The next time you’re driving near a thrift store it’s a quick detour to drop them off
It maybe time to sit them down and have a really hard heart to heart.
Its also possible they come over Christmas eve, so the son can play with whatever she gets *before* Santa arrives. (Because let’s be real, odds are he loves the Santa gifts because its something he *wanted*!)
Be strict. Be realistic. Expect a fight and tears and tantrums but be firm.
Your son and daughter shouldnt suffer and its obvious she did thru your wife’s childhood too.
NTA
Stop celebrating with them on Christmas Day. Instead, offer to celebrate the weekend before or after. Keep Christmad Day for just your immediate family.
Also, stop giving wishlists. MIL doesn’t use them, so stop… Or maybe give generic lists (“art supplies”, “building set”, “stuffed animal”…).
NTA
MIL: “We aren’t coming to Christmas because you ruined it”
You: “We will respect your choice”
I’m willing to bet a lot of money that MIL *will* show up on Cmas, and *will* have gifts for the kids. Your response to that should be “As we discussed, it’s best for the children that they not receive these gifts from you. Would you like to take them back or would you like us to donate them?” Make it an announcement, not a negotiation. Tell the children what you have planned so that MIL can’t corner them by insisting that they open gifts in front of her (and presumably out of your sight).