UPDATE:
So the general consensus is I’m not the asshole for not finding it funny, but his joke to his mum was okay if his mum found it ok, and I understand as is she did, so I’m gonna let it go.
I also understand that if someone said it while spewing women hatred, or said it to me – I am allowed to shut that shit down, but in this case, it was banter within the family and humour is subjective so there no more to it than that.
Thanks everyone for explaining this to me in a straight forward way, and not shitting on my autism. You’re the best ❤️
———————————————————————————————
Long story short, we’re both autistic (former called Asperger’s), he’s a white straight man 31, I’m a brown bi woman 32.
He was calling me, talking about his father having a conversation with a colleague who’s having an oopsie-baby when their children are grown, and the colleague was wondering in a joking manner if they wanted one too (my friend is 31, and his younger brother is 25)
He was speaking with his parents about it and wanted to egg his mom on and said “well someone is past their expiration date aren’t they?” And his mother squinted and said “the hell I am”
Personally I dint find it very funny as women has been tied to their ability to bear children for decades. In the work place we’re discriminated for when we have children, if we want a career we are bad mothers, if we don’t want children we aren’t full filling our “godly duty” and when we’re old we are dried up and exchanged for a “younger model”
He said it wasn’t that deep and that he just meant her eggs are old. I was making sure he didn’t mean that she was expired as a woman.
He got a bit iffy wondering why I didn’t find it funny, and he thought it was weird that we’re on opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to some forms of humor. I said I don’t want to have a long conversation about it, it could be funny if he meant it the right way, reminded him about women’s history and said that bottom line, I don’t care as long as you don’t mean no harm.
To be honest I wanted to correct him, but he would’ve gotten mad then.
So AITA? Was it a harmless joke, or was is sexism rooted in stereotypes about women’s worth?
NTA because humor is subjective anyway. I would have asked what makes it funny though, and done that over and over until he realized calling someone “past their expiration date” is simply not funny. But as long as his mom put him in his place call it good.
NTA again humor is suggestive . Also it’s men’s sperm that expire before woman’s eggs so he’s just a victim of the patriarchy.
NAH. Neither (nobody) is the AH. It all depends on how his mother took it. If it were me I’d have laughed about it. I make those sort of jokes all the time regarding my being past the age of fertility. So if she was fine with it then you don’t need to feel offended on her behalf.
NTA for not finding the comment funny. Humour is subjective and his mother seemed to have had no issue and even snarked back. He was obviously talking about her fertility in the context of the conversation of them having an opps baby when the kids are grown. and not about her worth as a woman.
NAH, this kind of joke is really situational. If my kid or husband said this about me it’d be funny. If it was a stranger it wouldn’t be. If _anyone_ said this about my best friend she would be upset for the same reasons you are.
Why did we need to know that you’re a brown bi woman? What did that add to the story?
That I have felt discrimination on my body in a completely different way that he has. And therefore i sometimes struggle to know if it is racism/mysogyni/discrimination etc.
NAH. As a 50+ year old woman i find this kind of humour funny and would’ve clapped back the same as his mom did. I also realize not everyone shares my humour and i myself have been known to joke around the wrong person but stop when they tell me they don’t find the humour.
So he joked to his mom. His mom found the joke funny. In their home.
Yeah, if you calmly said “please don’t ever joke that way to *me* because I wouldn’t find it funny” that’s okay. But you can’t dictate someone else’s sense of humor and you can’t expect everyone to run their home or their lives based on your humor and your values.
NAH *if you were calm and polite*
If you made a huge deal out of a very mild joke, you’re the asshole
NTA, men only find these jokes funny because they havent been oppressed for hundreds of years about it. Try making jokes that speak to their own value and insecurity and see how quick they cry.
This isnt an autism thing, its a man thing. And if he gets mad that you express a joke wasnt to your humor and why it can be taken as problematic, then maybe he just isnt mature enough to be making jokes at all.
From a fellow autistic, NTA. A large part of the ‘point’ of jokes is to establish and enforce social norms and hierarchies, something we NDs are often keenly aware of. And I understand the autistic intense sense of ethics and difficulty in giving shit like this a pass, but I have found this is the kind of thing you have to occasionally let slide in order to have friends :-/ Your milage may vary. Maybe you can ask your friend not to make that kind of ‘joke’ around you, at least.
NTA. Aging women don’t need to be “joked” about. It’s rude. Women are criticized for having kids, not having kids, and ESPECIALLY for getting older and deemed less attractive. It’s exhausting and I don’t find that “humor” to be harmless.
While you are right about women and their roles, you rely read too much into that. He was joking around with his mom and basically saying she was either in or close to menopause and shouldnt be having kids.
This had nothing to do with your concerns. These are concerns in general but not necessary to bring up when someone is joking around with their family. Your reaction may have been warranted if this had been a conversation at work or about someone that he had the ability to hold back due to their age. NAH I guess.
I hear what you’re saying – but shouldn’t you ‘read the room’ by his mother’s response?
As you described it, it doesn’t seem that she took any real offense; she went right back at him in the same spirit, right?
You also didn’t say anything about any previous incidents, so it seems that this was a one-time thing.
Given all of that, it isn’t really your place to jump in and be offended on her behalf.
YTA for that.