For context we have been together for 5 years. He has a 9 year old daughter that I have set boundaries with him so that I don’t get mistreated anymore and we established that he makes all the parenting decisions for her and it is his responsibility to make sure that she treats me with respect and in the future, my children with respect too.
Anyways our finances aren’t that great right now. I’m still in university and he isn’t doing too well either with money. Last weekend he was on call with his family on speaker phone and they accidentally let slip about the presents he got for her without talking about it with me. He got her a laptop which he claims it’s going to be for both of them. Realistically though he would barely use it and she will use it for her roblox. The other present is a scooter. I feel like they are too pricey to be getting for a kid especially since he had to borrow money to do that. He already owes his credit card a lot and now he owes his friend too. I was really upset but I didn’t say anything except that he should have talked to me about it. Our goal is to pay off his debts and start saving money so we can eventually get our own place but that seems further and further away the more he does this. So I just told him to not get me any presents because he should just pay his debts off instead.
I also think that the laptop is unnecessary for her because she has a Samsung tablet she got last Christmas. He claims she will need the laptop for school but I don’t think she will. As for the scooter she would have to ride it on the road and not the sidewalk because that’s what the law says so imo its not a safe way to get to school anyways.
He also gets jealous since I got some gifts for my male friend he doesn’t like. Which is such a double standard because he does stuff without asking me.
Edit: on her tablet she was caught watching inappropriate sites and that is why you regulate technology for your kids. That’s besides the point and entirely up to him what she does. Anyways this is about responsible spending
Edit 2: If I’m the only one that saves and in a very long time manage to get a house I would be willing it to my own kids only for obvious reasons. He can cry about it and all the people telling me he can choose whatever he wants can cry about it too because the same expectations go for me then
YTA he is allowed to buy whatever he wants for his daughter. You’re weird for being jealous and controlling. You’re the red flag.
YTA. He’s her father and she comes first. He gets to decide how to use his money.
Don’t marry this guy. You’ll always be the evil step-mother if only in your own eyes as you don’t respect his child’s place in his life.
You seem to have something against his daughter. You don’t take her as your own yet you want to marry him. You’re the A-hole.
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YTA i dont see this relationship being healthy for either of you. especially since you sound like your jealous of his daughter and you have no relationship with her and its been 5 years !??
ESH –
are your finances combined right now?
Do you live together?
How old are you?
How old is he?
If your finances aren’t great, why are you buying presents (plural) for some other guy?
His daughter already doesn’t like you, you clearly resent her, you seem half out of this relationship already, you expect she would potentially treat children you have with him poorly, you think he is financially reckless, you don’t communicate well together, you both resent each other…
how many more reasons do you need to end it?
Yep you are the a-hole. You can but buy a friend something? What about saving?
ESH unless your finances are together and not separate it’s none of your business what he buys his own kid. You do sound a bit jealous of the kid but I want to show some goodwill and say it’s likely the actual issue is he spoils her to make up for how he lacks in other ways He’s an AH for spending outside of his means, not actively working on paying down his debt, and borrowing money from a friend to get his kid an expensive gift she doesn’t need.
YTA – Him and his daughter are a package deal. And the child comes FIRST.
Yta also as a parent she will indeed need the laptop not sure what country you’re in but most require kids to have a laptop or a chrome book as alot of classes are digital now days. Idk what it is but there’s just something about your post that makes it seem like you don’t like his kid,it would be different if he’s constantly spending hundreds of dollars on gifts for her every other week. Also getting gifts for male friends and not telling him is completely different as him buying his child gifts.
Looks like you don’t really accept his daughter yet. And you both agreed that he’d handle the parenting. She is his child so he just wants to spoil her
More info, is/was there something between you and this male friend of yours? Frankly there is a big difference buying a gift for someone that’s a family relationship vs some guy you work with. Sure you can choose your family but something feels off.
YTA, plain and simple
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to think he should’ve stayed within a certain budget so as not to go into further debt, but honestly the way you sound talking about his daughter…I don’t think you like her. You shouldn’t stay in this relationship if all you’re expecting is for her to respect her future SIBLINGS. It sounds like you’re not as upset about him going over budget and more upset that he’s buying anything for his kid, and you don’t feel it’s necessary because you don’t even want her in his life. For everybody’s sake, including your own when you do have children, find someone without kids