So a little background here. My mom is 75 and I am 43f. She has had 8 strokes and is not all there. She is selling her condo in Jacksonville which I think is great. She really needs assisted living but is adamantly against it. She wanted to buy a condo close to me in south Florida, about a 4 hour drive for her. Problem is she gets lost on the way to her local CVS. So she wants to move in and stay indefinitely until she can find a place in Martin County. Problem is I have a 2 bedroom apartment and the second room is occupied buy a new roommate. This made her angry as she feels she is entitled to my spare room but I need this roommate to help with my rent. So she plans on moving in with me and sleeping in my bed with me and the dog. The dog is an untrained nightmare and my mom is a chronic boundary stomper. She gets up at 4:30 every morning and turns on all the lights and blasts the TV because “it’s time for everyone to get up.” This will drive my roommate away plus I’m starting a new job on 12/15 and her invading my space and my room with make me crash and burn. I have to tell her she can’t stay here. AITA??
Your mom’s behavior should be enough warning for you to not let her live with you at any cost. NTA
NTA, but the wishy-washy tone of your post and the fact that you are even asking for anyone else’s input strongly suggest that there’s a good chance you will fold like a blanket.
I’m just torn because she is my mom and I love her but I need MY space.
If you need an easy out, check your lease. It might not allow for a long-term guest or a dog.
Letting your mom move in will seriously damage your relationship at a crucial stage in life. You don’t want to spend whatever years she has left resenting her and fighting with her. Either she’s going to end up in assisted living anyway or something terrible will happen and you’ll end up blaming yourself. Caring for someone with dementia is no joke. As hard as this seems, you’re doing what’s best for both of you by saying no.
You’re considering allowing somebody to force themselves and their dog into your bed.
If you love yourself this little are you sure what you feel for your mom is not obligation and actually love?
NTA. I say this as a former dementia care nurse and someone whose MIL has recently been diagnosed with dementia, it’s HARD caring for someone with that diagnosis and burnout is very real. You have to take care of yourself first and foremost.
Maybe tell her the lease doesn’t allow for a 3rd person?
Wouldn’t be fair to your roommate to impose a 3rd roommate on them. One with a serious health condition. And comes with a dog to boot.
Also, if she’s not all there, should she be responsible for selling her house? Maybe you should take charge of that as well as finding a good assisted living close to you. So you can keep tabs and still have your space.
Absolutely NTA and you need to put your foot down. Staying with you is not an option. You can visit her at a care facility and even take her to run errands sometimes. Whatever she does, living in your home with you and your roommate and sharing a bed with you is *not* an option.
Nope. She can get assisted living near you. Get power of attorney etc signed soon. Do not let her buy property or move in
NTA. She needs assisted living, whether she wants it or not.
NTA do NOT let your mother stay with you. Do not torture yourself with your mother’s obnoxious behaviours. It would also be wildly unfair to your brand new housemate, who is paying rent, to inflict your mother and her unbearable behavioral issues on them.
NTA
Tell her straight – she can’t stay. Heck, tell her the lease/landlord says no.
NTA
It sounds like you don’t really know how to say no to your mom (no judgment, I struggle with setting boundaries). Pick ONE ironclad reason/statement and repeat it on a loop. If you can, practice it first with a friend who is instructed to find every possible loophole through, in, under, and around your reason. Personally, I’d go with “My lease/landlord doesn’t allow that“ but it doesn’t have to be that.
Then every time she brings it up, either repeat that statement verbatim or say “that has been asked and answered.”
Look up the terms “Don’t J.A.D.E.“ and “grey rock” They will be your new best friends.