Please excuse my English (not my first language).
Hello,
The title should say it all, but here’s some context.
My (23f) family (5 people including me) got us a cat in 2020 and it has since been my responsibility to take care of this cat (even though it technically belongs to my 18yo brother). This includes feeding, grooming, vet visits/bills, play, snuggles and (for this story important) the litter box.
Yesterday I cleaned said litter box. Just the every day stuff of scooping up the poop and urine and tossing it into the toilet (biodegradable litter made for this purpose). Sometimes a few crumbs don’t land in the toilet, but I make sure to clean those up as well.
The issue is this: my stepfather came to me last night and asked me to clean up said litter and threatened to wake me up at 4am if I don’t do so. I shit you not, it was 3 crumbs of litter scattered over the entire bathroom. I’m pretty sure they were there before and he only noticed them bc he saw me cleaning the litter box.
So, I rolled my eyes, not wanting any confrontation, and cleaned up 3 tiny little crumbs of litter. This morning he woke me up at 4am (his time to get up; he has a 8am to 4pm job and a 10 to 20 min. way) by turning on the lights and yelling at me and told me to clean up the litter, since I didn’t do so yesterday. I pulled my blankets over my head and told him to do so himself, since I did it yesterday.
He didn’t believe me and threatened again to "play this game until I get it right". This 40 something year old man is angry about a few imaginary crumbs of litter scattered across an entire bathroom, he could clean within 30 seconds.
I just went back to sleep, but couldn’t since I was awake by this point.
My mom always tells me to let it go since none of us can change him at this point and that he never grew out of his 12yo-boy-phase (there are instances where he shows pouting and envious behavior among other things). I’m willing to but not if it means disrupting my sleep schedule (going to sleep between 10 and 12pm and getting up between 6:30 and 7am) or bending over backwards for a man I did not choose and behaves like my 10 to 15yo students (oftentimes worse)
Btw he is the reason the litter box stands in my room. We planed to put it beneath the stairs in our house, but that’s "his music corner" and the litter box "has no place there". It’s smaller than his e-piano and other instruments and wouldn’t take away any of that space, plus I clean it every day or every other day at the latest. And we can’t put it anywhere else since the house is too small with 5 people or the cat will pee on beds (especially mine) should the box stand in a back corner of the house not of her choosing (upstairs in the back corner of the second bathroom).
Some personal thoughts:
1. I think he only noticed the crumbs in the first place bc he saw me do the litter box
2. I think he should grow up and act more his age (adult man)
3. I think he has no life skills
So, reddit AITA?
NTA. Your stepfather is a huge obnoxious asshole though. It’s just litter. All he had to do was clean it up like an adult.
Hard NTA. But just about everyone else in this story is. Your 18yr old brother for doing (from the sounds of it) literally nothing for a cat that’s meant to be his, your mum for making excuses for your stepdad (and I would assume your brother as well if that’s what she’s in the habit of doing) but MAINLY your stepdad. He sounds like a child on a power trip, but he’s a 40 yr old man and we all know how quickly men like this can escalate. I’m not saying that’s definitely what’s going to happen, but for your own peace and sanity OP I would be trying to get out of that house as quickly as possible. And please take the cat with you when you go if you can, god knows your family won’t care for it.
My brother actually doesn’t talk to my step-dad (also not his dad). My mom only sticks with him to pay off the house and give my 6yo brother a home where the parents are together. She told me in private, that she will kick him out when the time comes. I am looking to move out, but nothing has paned out yet and I will take the cat with me, even if it means going to hell and back and I will get my other cat from grandma when I move out.
It sounds like a really tough spot to be in, hopefully something pans out and you’re able to get outta there soon, it sounds like all of you would benefit from a space away from your stepdad.
definitely nta
Hey listen, that word you used a number of times is spelled “crumb.” I know it’s weird, I’m sorry English spelling is so inconsistent and arbitrary-seeming.
With that said, I think you’re NTA and your stepfather does sound immature, as both you and your mom have asserted.
Thx for pointing that out. I knew it looked strange but couldn’t put my finger on it. I corrected those mistakes, hope I got them all
NTA
Why does your mom not help to keep it clean? How long have they been married? H
It sounds like his issues go farther that the litter box and its something is is “not allowed” to express. Maybe he is attracted to you? Maybe he is jealous of you? Maybe he envys you? So he lashes out at tiny things bc is his only coping mechanism. Could be anything. Id look into getting my own place those.
She does help keep it clean. They’ve been married for 7 years I think (don’t really remember the wedding date). Like I said, he behaves like a child and my mom is also his mom and he sees competition for her attention in my brother (18yo) and me. Yes, this is just one instance of many and the issues are plentiful, but the waking up part bothers me so much
Yea that just creeps me out. Youre a grown woman and he (a grown man) should NOT be going into your room while you sleep-ever. Very creepy
Nta and if you ever move out take the cat with you it’s your cat now and it would probably be neglected with your bother and step dad
I am planning to take her with me and get the other cat from grandma (technically mine). The cat also shows love almost exclusively to me (the only other person was my late grandpa). And that has to mean something since she is a sensitive, shy princess-diva. I will go to hell and back for any cat in my care and for my own cats I would move the earth, sun and universe
Update:
I told my mother what happened. She basically just said “don’t let it bother you, give him no point of attack and say ‘okay, I’ll do it.”
She also wants “peace” in the home, but attacked me for “not working on myself” bc it’s a “me-issue” how I react to his actions. She’ll also “talk” to him about his behavior but I don’t see anything changing. When I asked for the key to my room, she just declined by saying, “In this house we don’t lock ourselves away in our rooms.” Then suddenly it was all about her and how much she sacrificed for this house and if one moves out, they can’t live here anymore
Anyway now I’m crying about the whole thing. I guess these things just build up and this is my breaking point.
I guess the best thing to do is just not speak to anyone in this house anymore