I (NB, 20) have been dating my partner (also NB, 20) for almost 8 years. We don’t live together. I still live with my family and they still live with theirs. Their parents do not buy them food, do not let them eat their food, and have a bad habit of knowingly eating the food they or I buy. My partner has depression and BPD and struggles a lot with both. Currently, I am one of their only sources of food. I go to college full time and work when I can doing food delivery for extra cash to get food in the first place. My partner is extremely dependent on me, both financially and emotionally. I buy them food, I give them rides, and they don’t really interact with anyone outside of me (in real life at least). They are in the process of getting their license, and I want to encourage them to, at least, do food delivery like I do, so they can have their own cash and can feed themselves as opposed to relying on me. I am lucky enough to come from a household where food isn’t scarce. I share all of it, and I offer to get them things from the store with our family grocery budget, but they decline and generally dislike the food I have. They tend to be resistant to the idea of working, citing their depression. Right now, they pretty much just sleep, play video games, and smoke weed.
Would I be the asshole for more firmly pressuring them to work when they do get their license? I understand how hard depression can be (I’ve dealt with it for years now, and I would love nothing more than to sleep and smoke weed all day. One of the only reasons I don’t is to make sure I can care for them) and the last thing I want is to push them too hard and hurt them in any way. But, I am also stressed and so, so tired, and I don’t want to have to be this responsible for their wellbeing. As is, I can only really afford to buy them a meal a day (they only really eat takeout), and I know that isn’t healthy for them. I just want them to be happy and healthy, and I worry I can’t provide that. The alternatives to them getting a job are me working more frequently, or getting employed part-time somewhere, but I’m worried I wouldn’t be able to keep up with that and school right now.
YWNBTA. What are your partner’s goals? Do they get professional help?
The least they can do is help YOU help them.
NTA, you can be gentle with them and help them but at the end of the day they are a grown adult, just as you are. if they have depression and BPD and it’s bad enough to impact them to where they can’t function normally as an adult, they’re the only one who can put the effort in to get the help they need to feel better and mitigate or resolve symptoms. you sound unbelievably empathetic and sweet, you are never in the wrong for asking your partner to be equal with you in a relationship, especially in something practical like financial situations or personal autonomy
NTA. You’ve been carrying this relationship since you were 12. At some point they need to take responsibility for their own survival. Depression sucks but so does expecting your college student partner to fund your entire existence while you smoke weed and game.
You’re not their parent and you definitely shouldn’t be their only lifeline. They need professional help, not just a partner bankrolling takeout.
Absolutely not… It’s not a one way street you got to do your work together
NTA. They are responsible for caring for themselves, including their mental well being and physical needs. Sleeping, playing video games and smoking weed while mooching food off their partner? It sounds like they’re resisting work because they don’t want to give up a lifestyle where they don’t have to lift a finger. Stop enabling them.
NTA, you are so young to have been in a relationship for 8 years. I don’t doubt you love your partner but you should consider if they are good for you. At 20 you are too young to have a 20 year old child dependent, they should not be your responsibility, and it’s possible that as long as they fully depend on you for everything, they will never grow and sadly, they will burn you out and likely hold you back.
The sooner you end this relationship the sooner you can both heal from it. You’re not doing either of you any favors by continuing to enable their failure to launch.
Depression sucks, but you’re making it easy for them not to improve their situation. Stop.
I say this gently, you should break up with your partner.
You need to be able to focus & better your life (not to say your life isn’t good) before you can or should try to help better someone else’s.
Especially, if they are not driven enough to better their own despite all the things they list as to why they can’t, they are also reading as unwilling.
Your partner is codependent. Their issues need to be solved with therapy. Firm pressure may help and is a great starting point, but it’s unclear if it will completely solve your problems. So YWNBTA if you address this issue (but make sure you know the signs of toxic relationships, as codependency is a red flag).
What would your partner do if you got into a horrible accident and couldn’t work or bring them food tomorrow…. That’s what your partner needs to do. You are doing them no favors by coddling them. They are 20.. being depressed sucks.. but they need to learn to push that to the side and do what they have to do. I get depressed and I have PTSD.. But I don’t have luxury of doing nothing because I have a family that depends on me so I force myself to go to work.
NTA. Being responsible for someone’s wellbeing at 20 years old is wild. That shouldn’t be on you. I think if you are gentle and explain the emotional and physical toll it’s taking on you they might understand. At some point they have to be responsible for themselves. You deserve someone to take care of you sometimes.
Maybe talking through a few reasonable goals/timelines or even start brainstorming what jobs might be a good fit might be a good baby step to take.
They’re like a codependent parasite and you’re the host
Been dating since 12 . Ok.
My dear, this is not a good relationship. You refer to this person as your partner. They are NOT a partner! A partner is someone who shares the load with you, who helps to lift you up and support you, who is there for you and has your back.
Does this person do any of this for you? It sounds like you are giving and giving and GIVING, and they are doing nothing but taking.
As long as you continue to enable them, they have no reason to try to change. If they don’t have food from their family, they need to get out; they need to contact social services in your area and find out what resources are available to them. You need to let THEM make that contact; you doing so simply perpetuates their dependence.
Set yourself free and concentrate on your own life and issues. You shouldn’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, as Reddit is fond of saying.