For context, I’ve known my best friend (23F, Katie) since high school. We’re usually really honest with each other and communicate well when things come up. I’ve also known my other friend (23F, Jill) since high school, but we’ve always been more the “hang out in groups” type friends, and we don’t necessarily have a close one-on-one relationship like I do with Katie. Katie and I live in the same town, but Jill moved to the city (about 4 hrs away) after high school.
Katie and Jill have become really close lately, but Katie has been trying to make Jill and I have the same type of relationship she and Jill have. The three of us have hung out as a group lots of times, but Katie and Jill keep in contact regularly, while Jill and I just don’t. When Jill comes home to visit, she doesn’t tell me or text in the group chat. Katie will text me and tell me Jill is home and wants to hang.
2 mo ago, Katie asked me if Jill said anything to me about her bday. I said no. Katie told me Jill wants us to come visit her around her bday. Katie and I went to visit Jill for a wkd last year, but it honestly took a lot out of me. It was an expensive weekend, cold, and I spent the whole wkd hangry (I’m a vegetarian and a lot of restaurants we went to didn’t have nutritious or filling meals for me). I told Katie I wasn’t sure what my schedule looked like, but I would pencil it in after hearing more details from Jill. Time passes, Jill never brings it up, so I figured it wasn’t happening or I wasn’t invited. Then, I got an invite to an alumni wkd for my college team. I RSVP’d because I haven’t seen my teammates in 2+ yrs, it’s a cheaper wkd for me, and I can bring my bf to show him my old college town and meet some of my friends he hasn’t met. A few days later, Jill reaches out in our group chat with an invite to her bday party the same day as the alumni event.
I told Katie I wasn’t going to Jill’s bday and she got upset and said she brought it up to me months ago. I told her I never got concrete plans from Jill, so when I didn’t hear anything, I committed to something else. I explained how I don’t have the money for a whole big trip rn with Christmas coming up (Jill wants to have a private dinner and go out). Katie told me she wasn’t mad at me, she just didn’t want to have to go alone.
Everything has been good since. 2 days ago, Katie texts me asking about Jill’s bday again. Since then, she hasn’t responded to any of my texts and killed our Snap streak (we usually snap every day so it’s just another sign she is actually ignoring me). I’ve reached out a couple times to make sure we’re okay, but she hasn’t answered. Jill also never texted me back when I told her I couldn’t come to her party.
AITA for not going? I love them both and don’t want this to come between us, but I feel weird about it. Katie has never ignored me in 10+ years of friendship, and it seems silly to me that simply declining a party invite would cause this? Should I reach out again?
NTA.
An invitation is not a summons
NTA. You’re not that close with Jill and an invite through someone else doesn’t count. If it was so important to her that you attend she would have reached out herself.
NTA – especially when the birthday involves traveling and spending money. Also, you’re clearly not a priority in Jill’s life (and that’s ok!). But the dynamic with your friend seems a bit off. Did something happen recently that drifted you guys apart?
NTA
Don’t reach out to Kate or Jill again. Apparently they’re stuck in their high school mentality. Don’t give them another thought and enjoy your reunion.
NTA. While I do believe it’s important for friends to show up for each other for important, when able, I don’t think this meets the requirements. You weren’t given the needed information in a timely manner and you had other plans.
You’ve already reached out. Ball is in their court. Carry on living your life and if they reach back out to you, great. If they don’t, you already did what you could.
Ask yourself this: do you want to go to her party? Sounds like you don’t. So don’t. You are a grown adult and can turn down invitations. Might be time for some new adult friendships. NTA.
Absolutely! Sometimes our high school friendships don’t survive the transition to Adulthood. And that’s OK! Sounds like OP is being financially responsible and also making choices to do the things they WANT to do. Primo adulting
Totally agree
Treat the people in your life like investments, and prioritize the ones that give you the most returns. If all your calls in your log are outgoing unless they need or want something…well, either you’re a shit person or they don’t really care for you
No they need to grow up a bit
NTA
It was toward the end of your post that a light bulb came on for me: Katie said, “she just didn’t want to have to go alone.” (and that she wasn’t mad at you).
If Katie were enjoying her friendship with Jill/ friendship with you, I don’t think she would have been trying so hard to put Jill and you together. Sure, she might have tried to see if the three of you all could be friends together; but when a friendship between you and Jill was obviously not developing naturally, Katie would/should have let that go. Then she could enjoy her time and activities with Jill, and enjoyed her time with you separately. So what issue(s) might Katie be having?…
1. Katie might feel that her time is torn if she is pulled by you and by Jill. But I don’t think this is a top contender for key issue because Jill lives in another town.
2. It might be that Katie feels that Jill dominates in their friendship. Instead of speaking up to re-balance things or walking away, Katie is expecting you to be a third leg of the stool so that her voice and your voice combined might stand up to Jill.
3. Maybe Jill frequently expects Katie to travel to see her, and Katie doesn’t like making the trek by herself. A four-hour trip each way is much more pleasant if your other great buddy is with you (and a LOT of time to kill if you are by yourself). But expecting you to go so she would have travel company would be a selfish move on Katie’s part. That is a HUGE amount of time for you to sacrifice for someone you don’t feel very close to.
After this birthday weekend passes, maybe ask Katie to discuss things with you. Ask her why she is trying to hard to include you in things she does with Jill. Listen patiently. Then you can also share your perspective with Katie. (1) It seems Jill isn’t all that interested in you, but – even if she were – you are not interested in getting closer to Jill. (2) You aren’t interested in spending the time and money to travel to Jill’s town.
Ask Katie if she might be driven at all by one of those 3 possible issues (or some other issue) she might be having. If she thinks so, then maybe you and she can discuss a healthier way for her to try to address those issue(s).
This (1) respects your choice and your autonomy, (2) keeps your relationship with Katie in a healthy space, and (3) may even help Katie with friendship with Jill.