I (40 F), my husband (41 M) and two kids (6 & 9) moved a little over 1,000 miles from our home state about 2.5 years ago.
My brother (38 M) and his girlfriend recently had twin babies via IVF. They spent years trying to start a family. I want to support the new parents as best as I can, even considering I live far away. I went to the baby shower over the summer and spent over $1,000 to be there.
Here’s some pertinent information. My husband and I make a decent amount of money and my family is aware. We’re not millionaires and our new home is a lot more expensive than our previous. I set money aside every month for travel, including the cost to visit the new babies. It will cost me $1,500 to see them, which I do have saved. Also, my brother’s girlfriend is kind of an a\*\*hole. Last year she sent me a text telling me that I was a bad daughter to my dad and mom an bad sister to my brothers. The shortened version of her issues with me was that I don’t call my dad enough and I didn’t reach out to my brothers enough in the months leading up to our move. I apologized for how I made them feel and explained I was dealing with unmedicated post partum depression and anxiety, along with moving out of state at the time, and I was struggling. Lastly, when I had my second baby, and I was living in my home state, maybe 1.25 hours away from my brother and his girlfriend, they didn’t travel to us to meet our baby. They met her at a family holiday event when she was 3 months.
To the issue at hand. I told my family I was going to try and visit before the end of the year, but the timing just hasn’t worked out. I’ve never committed to a date, but said "maybe early December". Every time I communicate with my brother or his girlfriend they make comments that I need to see the babies before they’re too big. My mom told me my brother’s girlfriend was complaining that I keep changing the date that I’m going to visit. I’ve never committed to a date, just given possibly dates when asked.
My take on the matter, I can’t believe the audacity of these two. I don’t feel they appreciate the time and money it will take for me to travel to them. AITA for not visiting my niece and nephew already? Or, are they being unreasonable with their expectations?
Edit from cross post:
Based on some responses I’d like to provide a bit more context. My family and I get along well. Family events are filled with laughter. Last xmas a different SIL mentioned how she loves our family and she likes getting together with our family more than her own, including me in that. There is no the underlying current of hatred. The only person who I would be less excited to see is my brother’s girlfriend (mother of the twins).
I don’t feel that I’ve given definitive date for my travel so until then it’s up in the air and should be treated as so. But this is the piece where maybe I’m missing something and not realizing how up in the air dates can be confusing to others.
We live 1000+ miles away from both sides of our family. Never have we visited a newborn niece or nephew and none of our siblings came out for the births of our 3 kids. NTA.
I may be weird in this thinking, but I wouldn’t want someone to fly to meet my newborns. So many illness exposures from travel that the babies could possibly get. I would rather a visit when they are older and at least have their first round of vaccinations.
NTA
Especially during cold and flu season! At least in the US it is.
NTA They invented FaceTime so you could see babies without the cost and disruption of travel. You are doing the best you can to work and raise two kids. If people want to criticize, remind them they can always come visit you. they can pay and drag kids around too.
I think probably NTA because life is complicated and travel can be hard and expensive, even if you can technically afford it. The only things I would consider is that 1. It’s a good thing that they want you to meet your niece and nephew and be involved in their lives and 2. Imprecision can be frustrating. They could be taking “maybe December” to mean “I am coming in December but I need to plan the exact dates.” They’re excited about their babies and that’s reasonable! For the sake of good communication, it might be best to explain that you want to meet the babies but timing is hard (you have a family too! Holidays are busy!). Then avoid mentioning plans until you’re actually sure about them.
Ask to FaceTime with them so you can at least see the babies. A baby is a baby, as you well know; these two won’t give a hoot if you’re there or not. If the brother’s girlfriend gets overly snarky and you feel like poking the bear, ask why they didn’t bother to visit your baby when you were living closer.
NTA. Maybe mention the risk of flying in to see newborns in the middle of flu season. Plus depending on where you are, there is a new strain of norovirus making the rounds too.
NTA and, after receiving a text like that, I think you’re a saint for even considering visiting. Who on Earth is she to shame you for your relationship with immediate family members? She is literally a random background character in comparison. I wouldn’t spend a dime visiting her.
I also don’t understand the obligation to go see the kids right away. Won’t you see them at Christmas or some gathering in the next year?
Return their energy and set boundaries
NTA
And 2 points, if people have a problem with you, instead of some rando baby mamma, let hernknow she should refer them to you… and if you suck so bad, she’s more than welcome to put in the effort to be perfect
NTA, your SIL is trying to bring negativity and I wonder why since she’s just given birth. You didn’t give a date and can also feel offended that they didn’t come visit your newborn, you don’t owe them anything
Also, I hope you shared with the family what she wrote to you when you were dealing with post partum because that one is a moment when the family supports someone, especially if this someone is also dealing with a move, and a blaming text is kind of very much out of touch. Like…you either help or you shut up, but surely you don’t add negativity
Info: Have you told your brother that his girlfriend’s behavior is off putting? That text she sent about your relationship with your own blood family would have gotten her blocked from my phone. These conversations need to happen with your brother and she can sit down and be quiet. I’m also not sure why they expect you to visit to meet their kids when they didn’t do the same.
When she sent me the text I forwarded to the entire family chat. I figured if she deiced she was going to be their voice than they deserved to know what she was saying. My brother told me I was creating drama with that move. It’s still one of my proudest moments and I don’t regret one bit.
Funny how its ONLY a problem when YOU dont act, you dont run , YOU DON’T BEND TO EVERY WHIM . Now You are the problem. . . .
NTA- your brother’s girlfriend is though. She has a lot of nerve interfering in your relationship with your parents. If I were you…I wouldn’t be conversing through her about anything. Certainly not apologizing about anything to her or giving her excuses. She needs to stay out of your business. For now on speak or text directly to your parents or your brother. If she texts you…ignore it. If she calls you don’t answer. Just text your brother back and converse about whatever topic it’s about.
Also, start speaking up for yourself. If brother gets upset you haven’t seen babies remind him he didn’t make a special trip for your kids. That you will do the best you can just like they do.