I spent my childhood going to multiple places on holidays. (Ex: 2 hours here, 2 hours there, basically driving around appeasing different sets of grandparents). As I entered young adulthood, I realized how NOT ENJOYABLE that was. When I had my own children in early 2018, husband and I decided to create our own traditions that still included our parents.
All of our immediate family are local.
What we developed was an alternating system for holidays that we have found seems to work for everyone. Or so we thought.
Thanksgiving: We alternate. One year we spend it with husband’s family and my dad (who happens to be friends with husband’s fam, so it works out), next year we spend it with my mom and stepdad/mom’s side of the family. And so on.
Christmas: mornings/getting up/breakfast/opening presents, all that Christmas morning hoopla, is spent with my mom and stepdad. Growing up, Xmas morning seemed to be the big thing in my mom’s family, and the event that seemed most important to my mom, thus we designated Xmas morning as the time spent with her and my stepdad on Xmas. My husband’s dad enjoys cooking, so yet another reason why Xmas mornings with my mom, Xmas dinner with dad and husband’s fam, just seemed to make sense. We MADE these arrangement decisions with my mom in mind! Husband and I are 100% agnostic, and even go to church every other Xmas eve with my mom and stepdad, just because we know it means so much to her.
This has NEVER been an issue in the past 8 years. Yet all of a sudden, for my mother, it is. Not only did my mom try to get me to come over to her side’s house this year (dismissing the fact that this Thanksgiving was my husband’s family, and we spent last Thanksgiving with her), but she is wanting to change things and have us do Christmas dinner with her this year instead. At first I was willing to entertain the idea of switching things up this year, until it occurred to me that my mom is not the only person involved here. My dad, husband’s parents, and husband’s sister have all come to count on, and plan for, our tradition of having dinner together.
My mom is emotionally immature, and sticking to my boundaries is something I struggle with in my adult life. It puts A LOT of extra stress on me to try and make it multiple places on the actual holiday with two young children, not to mention takes all the fun out of it. My mom doesn’t see it that way. All she sees is that we are failing to cater to her and what SHE wants, by not going multiple places and not making time to come see her. I can’t help but feel these new complaints, and new demands are a bit of a control thing for my mom more than anything. I told her no, we are not willing to make a change this year and have dinner with them/do morning with husband’s family.
Having them all together is not an option. AITA for putting my foot down and saying no to my mom?
NTA. If she doesn’t want to do the morning thing, she doesn’t have to. If she specifically wants to do a dinner thing, it sounds like also are generally available to her for Christmas Eve.
I will say you seem like a saint to me. At this point, you’re doing as much to care for your parents’ needs on Christmas as you are your own or your kids’. It seems highly structured and rigid because you’re trying to fit and cram in quite a lot.
It’d be perfectly reasonable to say ‘Hey Mom, we aren’t available for dinner on Christmas day so just let me know if you want to see us for dinner on Christmas eve or in the morning on Christmas.’ You can also have a special holiday gathering on other days as needed, such as the weekend prior to Christmas. You can even decide you don’t want more than one family commitment per day, and tell her she has Xmas eve for the foreseeable future. Tighten those boundaries if you want.
Thank you so much for this. Yes, I actually already did offer to have dinner with them on Xmas eve since this is the “non church” year. She declined and said they already have plans. 🤷♀️
Oh well, you already have plans for the Christmas Day dinner. If you’re to respect her plans she’s to respect yours. Really not sorry for her.
NTA. Try to be as “gray rock” as possible when you respond to her. “Sorry mom, but you know we already have Christmas dinner plans. You’re still welcome to come over Christmas morning, we’ll be sorry to miss you if you can’t make it.” No negotiations, no emotion.
NTA
This is the way my wife and I did it after we got married. All my siblings have done it this way.
NTA. Sounds as if your mom was always trying to please everyone shuttling around every holiday and now expects you to revolve around her.
IMO alternating holidays is a much better and less stressful way to do it. If your mom is getting upset, or trying to emotionally blackmail you, stand your ground. You can’t control her feelings but you CAN focus on making holidays an enjoyable time for your family.
This is how I see it, too. When she insinuates that we should do what she did, JUST because she did it…what I really want to do is ask her how enjoyable that was for her, and why would she want the same lack of enjoyment for her own child, knowing how it was for her? But I know she won’t rationalize in that manner. Thanks very much, I appreciate your feedback!
NTA. Strengthen your backbone and self love in respect to your mother. Quit letting her dictate your guilt and stress. YOU are the mother now. It’s your way with your children and your entire family. Not just one selfish person.
NTA
As you noted, this involves not just your nuclear family and her, but your husband’s family and your father. It’s far too late in the game for your mother to demand changes to an established “tradition” and process that has worked well, for 7 years, especially on such short notice.
Stick to your guns and do what works for you, your husband and your kids.
NTA.
“We will see you on Christmas from \[time\] to \[time\].”
“We will be departing at \[time\]. Thanks for your understanding.”
“I’ve informed you the times that we’ll be at your house. I’m hanging up now.”
NTA you should think about having Christmas morning at your own home with hubby and kids. Give her a year off
Dude, you’re already being really nice. A lot of families refuse to go anywhere on Christmas Day. She can take it or leave it. NTA
NTA and I think you’re doing too much already. Just let her know you can’t change the plans this late in the holiday season and if Xmas morning does not work for her per usual, you guys can stay home this year. If she whines or pushes, tell her you have to go and do not get stuck in a conversation where she is trying to guilt you.
Maybe for Christmas, buy yourself some therapy so you can process being raised by her and how to hold your boundaries. You deserve to enjoy your holidays, and your kids and husband do as well.
Also, as your kids grow up, they may prefer to spend Christmas day at their home with all their new toys/presents. We stay home on Christmas and then either travel to or host dinner. The morning and day is for our immediate family to open presents and lounge around at home.
Honestly as the child of emotionally immature parents I would say:
Mom, I’m sorry but we’ve been doing this tradition for 7 years now and it’s been working and has been fair to ALL of our family. Unfortunately, it’s far to close to the holidays now to even think about making changes on our end as they would affect the plans of in-laws and Dad. However I understand if you need to change things and are only able to host Christmas supper this year instead of Christmas morning. We will regrettably be honoring our previous plans and will be sad to miss out. The kids will be surprised to celebrate Christmas morning at home instead but maybe if Christmas mornings work in the future we can resume with those plans.
This should drive her nuts as you don’t give in and she misses out entirely then