Hi, for context, I’m a 21yr old guy and my dad is 66. My dad suffers from epilepsy, and although things have gotten slightly better since he had a surgery last year and quit alcohol, every so often he still has episodes. These episodes include being very tired, cold, dazed, confused, etc. Considering he’s divorced and the rest of my siblings either live on their own or are younger, I, his only son, am the person who takes care of him the most, and he’s been feeing the usual symptoms in the last day or so.
Now, for the situation. My dad asked me to take him to a grocery store in another town, and as usual, I obliged with no problem. However, on the ride there, he voiced frustration with me over not being downstairs with him 24/7 when he’s sick. I did check on him multiple times the day prior, and based on his responsiveness to me, I felt the best thing would be to just let him continue resting. However, it seems he fell at some point. He doesn’t remember, but half of his body was hurting. He then blamed me for not being there to take care of him, and basically started insinuating that I don’t care to take care of him, and that I prioritize other things over taking care of him, which couldn’t be less true. He wouldn’t let me respond to him, so I just shut up and drove to the grocery store.
When we got there, he noticed I was frustrated, and so he started degrading me again. This time I snapped back, telling him “well yeah, apparently I don’t do *** for you”, etc. He did not like this, kept berating me, and even brought up me recently being officially diagnosed with depression. He tried to invalidate it and minimize it because of what he went through growing up. I only later realized how low this was. He then walked off before we could enter the store, and told me to leave and go with my mom. So, I did just that, and told him to Uber home. Now, the human in me worries about his health, especially on his own. He is capable of ordering an Uber, and he does know this other town very well, but still, I can’t help but worry about his well-being, even if he’s home.
It’s important to note that this is not the first time he’s tried blaming me for his illness, despite the fact that I’m the only one who takes care of him and looks out for him, and has put his well-being before myself countless times for years now, and lord knows he’s not easy to deal with. His first wife left him, my mom left him, his family doesn’t care for him (or so he says), my older sister wants nothing to do with him, and somehow he still doesn’t realize he’s the problem. Belittling people until they can’t take anymore and then blaming the people he traumatizes for not just taking it on the chin.
I could go on forever with stories about horrible, traumatic stuff this man has inflicted on me and the rest of my family, and I’ve still taken care of him. But today, and not for the first time, I hit my breaking point.
So Reddit, AITA for ditching my sick dad in another town on his own?
Oof, this is hard. I’m going to say NTA because he told you to leave (as part of his tantrum) and he needs to understand that he has no right to abuse you like this and even though he’s frustrated with his illness he needs to have compassion for the people who are taking care of him.
Side note–has he seen a therapist? If he could find a CBT-trained therapist who has experience working with seizure disorders, that would be ideal. He is clearly not coping well with this at all.
No, he has not seen a therapist. I think it could be beneficial, but it is expensive, and given he brought up my depression in the way he did, and his attitude towards mental health in the past (it did *seem* to change at first when I opened up about my struggles), I get the sense he’d unfortunately feel offended if I or anyone else suggested therapy
NTA . He told you to leave and you did. His behaviour towards you is unreasonable. However, if you want to try to improve the relationship, perhaps some family counselling would help. I think he is frustrated by the “betrayal” of his body, the loss of control in his life, and is taking it out on you.
I think that’s definitely what a lot of it stems from. He immigrated from the middle east on his own and worked his way up to become relatively wealthy. He used that wealth to make a great life for himself and his family, giving good businesses to them at no cost, etc. He’s used to being a provider and being the one in charge, having others rely on him and respect him. I think life flipping that whole thing upside down has definitely been a massive hit on his heart and on his ego.
That’s certainly not all of it though. I don’t want to completely let him off, because even outside of his behavior in response to what his illness has taken away from him, his rampant ignorance/bigotry over the years definitely doesn’t help his character either (I’ve checked him on this and he has changed for the most part in hairiness to him).
But regardless, for better or for worse, (and the worse is really bad, like far more than I’m comfortable sharing on Reddit), I still can’t help but feel bad for the guy to an extent, he is my dad after all, however unhealthy that dynamic may be.
Two things can be true, right? He’s has these life experiences and is dealing with a loss of autonomy, but he can also at the same time be treating people poorly, and one doesn’t cancel out the other. Giving a business to another family member doesn’t give him a pass to be awful to you. You can feel bad for him but that doesn’t require you to look after him and deal with constant abuse.
The reality is it sounds like most of his family refuses to be around him for good reason and that good reason is his behavior, which he can control and chooses not to.
Carer burnout is real, and you are so young! Now is the time for you to be getting out in the world and having great experiences. You can love him and respect him and none of that requires you to put up with this. Look after yourself- which may mean seeking help and advice from the siblings and other family who have walked this path away from his bad behaviour. Go make a life for yourself without this in it. You might feel bad, but there’s therapy for that in a life without abuse.
NTA for reaching your breaking point with a very difficult person. It seems like you are alone taking care of him. I assume you live with him. Being alone in this and living with him must be difficult.
What are his needs, like he just cant drive or he needs 24 hrs help? Depending on what kind of care he NEEDS, not wants is important on how to move forward.
He seems able to dish it out (whether deserved or not) and not take it. If I were you, I would tell him what you are willing to do if he complies with whatever terms you set. If he cant keep civil or what you think is OK, he is going to have to fend for himself, if that would not be neglectful safety wise.
Is there a senior services in your town or city? Calling an office and explaining your struggles can lead to info for more services.
I would also put it out to his other family (his other kids, siblings of his, etc) that this is becoming overwhelming and some things need to change and what supports you need.
Edit: I think you should maybe even have an intervention with others if they will support you to say to him, you want to help him but cant be put upon like he treating you.
NTA. Your dad has serious health problems and seems to be beholden to you to help him manage them. If that’s the case, he literally cannot afford to have serious attitude problems with you as well. The constant putting you down is a form of abuse–he’s doing it to keep you subservient as he’s worried you are going to up and leave him to fend for himself… which, honestly, is exactly what you should do.
When he gets home, go in and tell him you need to talk. If he starts yelling at you again, get up to leave and inform him that he should have learned from today’s events that you are DONE taking such abuse and will only talk to him if he is willing to hear you out. When he reaches that point, the two of you need to come up with a plan, including a timeline, for you to move out and live your own life. It could be next month, it could be in a year, it really depends on how much you’ve put your own life on hold and how much time you need to put it back together before you’re ready to move out. For his part, he needs to figure out if he needs to bring in home health care, a part-time assistant or errand runner, or if it’s time for him to move into a place that provides such assistance. The financial side of all of this is for him to figure out, but relying entirely on you for the rest of your life (or his) is not an option. You’re his son, not his servant.
NTA. I’d speak to his doctor and reach out to senior services in your town/county. You may be surprised at how many resources there are. Maybe he can get some help around the house. He can speak online to someone who can help him work through his issues (if transportation is an issue) who is more of a social services coordinator (but does like soft therapy- so he may not realize it). I’d also call the hospital where he had surgery and ask for a social worker. Look up different epilepsy societies and support groups. You can often get grants and/or free and discounted services, supplies, etc.
It sounds like he is struggling to accept his physical limitations. Of course he’s mad and frustrated! But it is not okay for him to let those feelings out on you. I am sorry you are dealing with his anger while you’re also going through your own journey. Please don’t neglect yourself and your well being.
🏆 You deserve better but I’m poor.
What is the part about him being deceptive about his family and childhood? And we all have lines. He crossed yours. There is only so much one can take.