My family doesnt like when I talk about personal subjects like these with others so checking anonymously feels best. No one I mention in this post is younger than 27
About 10 years ago my family got trapped in debt and I made my best to salvage us from that situation. Since about 2018\~2019 i’ve been financially responsible for all our expenses. My parents and most of my brothers still live with me and I help even the ones that don’t once or twice per year
In a 3rd world country when you get evicted/spiraled into debt it’s not easy to come out of that situation, likewise certain diseases like cancer are basically a life sentence unless you have the means to afford treatment. Im glad that i managed to save my family members from many situations like these
It’s bittersweet sometimes, when my talents get noticed i have to decline working abroad because I know that by doing so I’d put my family’s stabilty in risk but i wanna emphasize these are my decisions and not something they imposed me to do. I believe they want my happiness as much as i want theirs
There’s been a recurring conflict happening between me and a brother (27yo) that still lives with me and has no duties at home (financial or not). Over the past 5 years or so some things keep repeating, even after he apologizes/promises to change
1. he says things that makes me feel undervalued even when his intentions are good (concerned w/ me overworking), e.g. calling me stupid for not enjoying life while knowing that our budget is tight
2. he had asked me for things i didn’t agree and then got mad after i refused doing them. One extreme example was inviting his friends over and getting mad after I refused helping paying his pizza party
3. after all we went through i’m surprised he thinks everything in life is easy, or that i’ll always be there to help him with his problems
After witnessing these episodes repeatedly there’s a moment where I burst out, exploding is not something im proud of doing and ive seek treatment/medications to stop myself reacting this way. I never physically hurt/threatened anyone, but I burst out w/ intense emotions. To prevent what triggers these episodes from happening i’ve set a few rules and made clear he needs to obey them or leave:
1. He needs to understand that besides being his sister i’m the owner of my house. This offended my parents because they say we’re equal as siblings
2. I want him to start looking for a job asap
3. I don’t want to see drugs in my home (ever) nor alcohol until he finds a job
4. I want back the 2nd gaming laptop (he broke the 1st) i gifted him, he’s free to work and buy one if he wants, i’ll obviously have no say with what he does with that one
My parents said that he apologized and that it should be enough, any resentment should be over the moment "I’m sorry" is said. They’re also saying they’ll leave (idk where they’ll go though) in case I put my brother out, this hurts me A LOT but im tired of being disrespected at my own place
NTA
You need to let them leave. You are NOT equal as siblings because you’re doing all the work for absolutely no reward or benefit to you other than stress and anxiety. And your brother gets to “I’m sorry” his way through life when he doesn’t mean it and doesn’t change his behavior. They are all banking on guilting you and you’re letting them. You can make a new family, sure it won’t be the same but at least you’ll have people who respect you. I reiterate, THEY DO NOT RESPECT YOU OR CARE THAT YOURE BREAKING YOUR BACK FOR THEM. Let them figure it out, they are adults too.
NTA, but you sure have a parent’s problem as well. I hate when people try to guilt trip me like in your case with “they’ll leave in case I put my brother out”
Remember you’re the owner of the house, you pay for everything, so you’re the sole ruler. if they don’t want their golden child to get a job and being responsible so be it, but not on your dime. They want to leave if your kick your brother out? let them do it!!!
Unless you put straight boundaries and there are consequences for bad actions, this will keep going on and it will take a major toll on your mental health. You don’t deserve that
So I think your parents have to start to look for a place to stay with their golden child, because the abuse over you has to stop. I know it will hurt, but if you don’t defend yourself who will do it?
Let them leave. They are living off your kindness while treating you badly.
I assume that a job abroad will pay much more than what you earn currently (once converted)?
So take the job, and go! Go and enjoy your freedom.
You can budget a certain amount for your family’s expenses, and use it to directly pay the mortgage, utilities, and whatever other expenses you’re willing to cover.
But don’t be trapped by their financial needs and your unhealthy family dynamic. Decide where you want to live, how and with who. You’ve done a lot for them already and you don’t need to sacrifice your entire life, whilst getting no respect from anyone.
NTA.