I appreciate the title is vague, so I shall try and keep everything concise for clarity. I have been dating BF 8 months.
We have so much in common, and I admire so many of his wonderful qualities. I know he also appreciates my traits too, and we can talk for hours. I love doing little acts of service for him, and we equally consider eachother with our time.
Mutually, there’s a lot of support between us. My BF is more stoic than I but I make sure he feels valued and loved and I love enthusing in his goals and interests.
He also supports me. Too much.
You see, I have emotional baggage that mainly comes from a rocky family upbringing. Wounds which have made me unfortunately prone to depressive spells and anxiety.
I have also not had an easy year for a number of reasons – in large part because of going sober. This particularly, I feel has taken away a big part of my ability to emotionally regulate.
The issues I am recently causing are:
– I cry constantly. Sometimes I cannot put my finger on why I am sad. Something little will set me off and suddenly I’m crying until I feel sick and apologising and feeling shameful for crying. And then crying more.
– I REALLY struggle to move on from if we have a tiff or an upset and it’s pushing him away. He has been so optimistic for us, but I’m rubbing off on him badly and he is now less so – due to my pessimism. I hate this, but I just don’t know what I need.
– he has verbalised he feels responsible for my emotions and had expressed worry at bringing me to social events, as he cannot predict if I will need consoling, have a depressive spell (I dont feel this part should concern him as I wouldnt let that happen, but he is concerned either way).
– I am very picky at little things. I am a perfectionist in many ways when we are together, and it becomes too late by the time I notice i am picking.
– I CANNOT COMPARTMENTALISE BAD FEELINGS WHEN I AM WITH HIM!! so in turn my sadness just comes out, and talking about it takes over our day, overshadows him….
I would appreciate any advice, reading, or coping strategies… therapy is NOT an option, I cannot afford it. Medication is something I have tried, but does not fix the root cause and also makes me sick and tired…
I so badly want to work on this but it feels such a big issue to begin to comprehend in myself. I just don’t know how to regulate my emotions in a relationship…
Given the options you have excluded and I won’t hammer the point of can you afford not to ever be happy, you need an outlet. Exercise is an important outlet to combat those type of feelings, give you a chance to have something you progress in and produce happy hormones in your body. Or at least exhaust yourself into stopping thinking about stuff.
I walk a few miles each day as part of my work commute. I do get that intentional excersise is a recommendation for emotional pain but… I’m not really sure what it’s supposed to do in that regard? Is there a way to channel it for that that I’m missing?
I think taking up more of a specific hobby, with goals, personal bests, whatever would help add structure and achievement to your life. I do not mean walking because I have to.
My real advice as I alluded to would be therapy, but you have understandably ruled that out for valid reasons
There isn’t a magic bullet though
I suffered with depression for years. Therapy helped some. Exercise, fasting and changing my diet helped more.
First, you need to figure out what’s going on; see if you can get to a therapist, a doctor, or something/someone who can help you. What you describe could be a lot of things, but it definitely isn’t normal.
Once you do that, you’ll be surprised at how much hope and optimism you’ll feel.
EDIT:
Forgot to mention. I understand that therapy is too expensive, but work something out with the therapist. Most are open to arrangements to reduce the cost. Sometimes even just asking for a discount will get you one.
Regarding medication – what you described indicates to me that you just need to go back and ask for something else. The first I had was horrible, and I had to go through 2 or 3 different ones to get to my current one and it’s perfect.