I already feel terrible for even thinking about this, and we’ve already spoken about this and both had a cry about it, but my mind is still massively conflicted. I am also dyslexic so apologies for the grammar.
Essentially my girlfriend of 2 years suffered with cancer as a baby and as such has lost much her sight and also developed some fertility issues. Recently we’ve started the IVF process and it’s really hammered the worry home for me that she might not be able to have kids.
I deeply love and adore my girlfriend, she is the best thing that ever happened to me and I know she feels the same about me. I couldn’t live with the guilt of ever leaving her, but equally I can’t just say I will give up on my future family at 23/24 years old, a family I have always wanted.
I know people will suggest the obvious solutions, surrogacy, adoption and doner eggs. I have issues with the first two (I don’t feel the need to go into them) and I’m fine with the third as long as my girlfriend can carry (which is also what she wants).
Like I said we’ve already spoke about this, and we’re both very upset even though we both agree complete infertility on her part is probably the least likely option (it’s obviously the worst one). I couldn’t live with the guilt of ever leaving her, and I know she couldn’t live with the guilt of stopping me from having kids (even though I’ve told her that none of this is her fault, because it isn’t) and obviously as I’ve said I really can’t make the decision to give up children I’ve not even met yet at such a (relatively) young age.
If there is an obvious non-heart breaking third solution I am missing please someone tell me, and obviously none of this applies should we be all fine which I am hoping we are, but this has been nagging at me for ages.
Why do you have an issue with adoption?
You are ok with donor eggs, but not using a surrogate?
i’m sorry you’re doing IFV with your girlfriend of 2 years in your early 20s?
I wanna know what kind of jobs they have to fund that.
>I know people will suggest the obvious solutions, surrogacy, adoption and doner eggs. I have issues with the first two (I don’t feel the need to go into them) and I’m fine with the third as long as my girlfriend can carry (which is also what she wants).
Not sure what you expect us to say since you’ve shot down almost every response trying to help you. You two need to come to terms with the fact that you may not be able to have kids if the other options don’t appeal to you. I’m sorry, I’ve been there.
Have you seen a fertility counsellor? Is your girlfriend open to surrogacy and adoption, could there be a compromise here if you learnt more about it and discussed it? I know several people who have done both and it’s worked well for them ( in the UK). I understand that processes / costs might make it harder to do in other countries
So you just started the process? Well then see if works first.
I’m not big on marriage but two unmarried people in their early 20s going for IVF is a lil nuts, but thats your business
It sounds like have an answer for every option, so I’m wondering if what you’re actually looking for is permission to leave. No one can give that, it’s a decision you have to make. Keep in mind that nothing is certain – maybe you’re also infertile or will be, maybe your next partner will conceive but not be able to carry to term, who knows. All you can do is weigh what you do have right now against what might be, knowing nothing is guaranteed.
You need to grow up. Your girlfriend had cancer, has lost most of her sight and now you want to make a thing out of her infertility issues? Do you love her or do you see her as a means to your goals. Maybe you should do her a favour and end things. You guys are too young anyway, and you have way too much growing up left to do. Theres noone who probably feels worse about her infertility than her. As partners its our duty to be a source of strength for each other, not make us feel even worse. Sheesh
To be completely honest, it doesnt sound like you are very comitted to her as you are 1) not married, 2) you would prefer breaking up with her over other perfectly reasonable ways to start a family with her and 3) you have only been together 2 years. You dont need to stay in this relationship if you fear you cannot ever commit to her because of your ideals on what family/motherhood means. She deserves someone more compatible and comitted.
💯 perfectly said. He has one foot out the door
Do you want to be a dad or just pass on your seed? You know the options, decide what you want.
I personally don’t feel you should be worrying about starting a family with a woman you’re not married to.
Get married first, then try the IVF. It may be successful. Give it a shot. If not, there’s a lot of other ways to become a parent.
What it comes down to is that if genetic descendants are more important to you than creating a family with the person you already love, then yes, you are very limited in options.
But Reddit isn’t going to offer any new ideas that doctors haven’t already explained to you.