I, 18/F, and my boyfriend, 19/M have been dating for 6 months now. We’ve were friends for almost two years. I’m just feeling extremely insecure despite the advice I’ve been given as well as the reassurance he gives me.
My boyfriend used to like a lot of photos of attractive girls. Whether it be OF models, or just beautiful women. When we were still just friends, he would regularly like these photos, make comments to me about there being “baddies” in his university program, and all the usual guy stuff. I’ll admit this did make me mad, even when we were friends because I had a crush on him. I do not think I’m ugly per se, but I’m not as attractive compared to these girls in these photos. I will say I am more of a nerdy type. I study in a rigorous philosophy program at the top school in my country, and I have my fair share of insecurities because of the contrast between these girls and myself. My boyfriend does constantly reassure me and show me affection. I just can’t shake the feeling of not being enough. My friend has told me that this stuff shouldn’t matter, and that there are many attractive people out there, what matters is what you bring to the relationship outside of that.
This being said, I was wondering if it’s in both our best interests that I break up with him? And if not, why? I hate feeling unstable and frankly I feel like a burden to him because of this one problem. Every other aspect of the relationship is amazing, but this one thing just makes me feel the need to be guarded. And I hate how i feel as though it kind of annoys him to hear this, because he does reassure me. I just feel as though this shouldn’t be his problem. Thank you for the advice in advance, and please be kind to me because I am kind of naive and inexperienced with this sort of stuff. He is my first real boyfriend and the first guy I’ve genuinely felt a connection to.
TL;DR my boyfriend is a great guy but I feel as though he is very lustful. He says he’s changed but I’m still insecure, is it best to break
up?
Edit; he hasn’t been doing this since we started dating, but I can’t shake the feeling of being super insecure. I think many people misread what I wrote
There are plenty of men that won’t be oggling at other women while they are in a perfectly good relationship. You are so young, you will meet better men! He is disrespecting you and him being young is not an excuse.
Research “relationship ocd”. I just learned that term at 31 years old and wish I did sooner. It can explain unwanted, persistent thoughts.
A good boyfriend would not make you feel that way and would not be disrespectful. Saying that let him go, and cut contact when you do. You’re only 18 and one day will find someone better than him. But spend a while being single first and enjoying life doing things for yourself.
Wait, is he still writing comments on these women’s posts? If he is, then yeah, I don’t think he’s worth worrying yourself over. If he’s not, then idk, maybe you need to try and love yourself a little more. Maybe that means time alone? Only you know for sure.
He hasn’t been. But when we started dating I had to talk to him about it because he was still following these girls. I didn’t ask him to unfollow them but he did anyways.
Sounds like he’s listening. I understand past behavior can make you feel insecure. I felt that way when I was your age sometimes. You just have to do what you need to do to be comfortable and happy with who YOU are and know your worth.
Let me preface this by saying that every relationship is different. I’m someone (27-F) who finds multiple people attractive and want to be able to be open about that, I’m also okay with my partner (37-M) finding other people attractive and encourage it. It’s not wrong to feel attracted to someone while in a relationship, AS LONG AS ITS NOT ACTED UPON. The thing that gets me here is that I feel you have some deep rooted insecurities that bleed into fear of him seeing more value in others because they posses what you think you lack. He might be attracted to these other people and still think that you are the best person for him, that he is happiest with you.
Even though it’s okay for him to be attracted to other people, it’s okay for you to be impacted by that. It’s possible to navigate this uncomfort together. Every relationship has its ups and downs, strengths and struggles. I think neither one of you are doing anything “wrong” per say. But I think you aren’t on the same page about this and need to have a real conversation about if this difference is possible to work through in your relationship
I agree. Other people don’t stop looking good because you’re in a relationship.
I don’t really think it’s productive to concern oneself with their partner’s social media habits, but that said, he could be less brazen about it.
Look my wife will point out a man walking past is attractive.. she doesn’t seek them out on social media
Yeah if he’s having online interactions with other women that are obviously sexual it’s a problem (actively DMing women/seeking romantic/sexual interactions with said women). If he likes a woman’s post because he thinks she looks good I don’t think it’s a problem, but thats me. If OP thinks it is a problem, then it is, it’s her and her partners relationship so they get to decide what is and isn’t okay.
Look if you’re pursuing women based on how they look, you’re not having sex because you’ve not had a chance
Thank you for your insight 🙂 I will admit I am very insecure, mostly because of how i experienced “attractiveness” growing up. I was kind of an awkward kid lol. I will say I look very different now and I do get approached by men, so I don’t think my looks are the problem, just how I feel inside. You are right about that.
The girls in the photos are airbrushed and probably feel the same insecurity when their boyfriend does the same. As a man in a relationship I’m aware that the world is full of pretty girls and I don’t care..I love my partner and never think of any other woman that way. Your boyfriend is a jerk
“he hasn’t been doing this since we started dating”
In that case, the problem isn’t him, and you should work on yourself and your communication.