Hi, me and my gf are in a relationship for 6 months now. Our personalities and goals vibe very very well , shes, smart, beautiful, funny and she genuinly cares about me.
But there is one crucial mismatch, and that is the shows/movies we watch. Were almost the opposite , if i like a movie she most likely hates it and the other way around. F.e i enjoyed the Barbie movie she hates it while she likes Morbius and well i agree with the internet on this. Even if we like the same franchise the order on how much we like the movies is inverted (I go Deadpool 1< 2 < 3 she is the other way around , her favourite LotR movie is Fellowship while mine is Return of the King)
This , normally wouldnt be an issue since i can watch the most boring and excruciating stuff aslong as it is with people i love like friends or well my girlfriend. She on the other hand cannot , she is rather strange when it comes to movies/shows (from my perspective idk if this perhaps is fully normal) , when she dislikes a movie or especially show , she hates it and cannot watch it without having to spend a lot of energy and she ends in a bad mood afterwards. She tried doing it for me and just got really as she says "triggerd" she cant really explain it any other way. (Everything from what she told me)
So she mostly chooses the movies we watch , i dont care too much and she does so i dont mind her choosing most of the time. But only most of the time.
Im starting to get more and more frustrated with this. On the one hand, i don’t fully understand her taste, and she can’t really articulate it either , except that she will watch a movie if specific actors play in it no matter the genre.On the other hand, i never really get to pick.
I say really because she is fully pro-compromise, but her way of compromise is she names a movie or show, then i name one until we find one we both would watch. This leads mostly to me caving in since the pool of movies i like and wanna watch is rather small and she dislikes 90% of them (i mostly watch shows and she rarely does so because its much more of a commitment and she needs to finish it even if she dislikes it later because she can’t just stop watching it).
Meanwhile, my understanding of a compromise is that i will watch a movie she enjoys, which is important to her even though i may not like i,t and genuinely try to find stuff to enjoy about it , and the next time its my turn to pick and so on.
We had a longer talk about it because she feels like she is using me and is being unfair because" i give in so easily and just accept the movie she likes." she genuinely does not understand this, and i don’t understand how she does not. She describes it as the negative feeling of the movie overshadowing the positive one of spending time with me.
I don’t believe it’s a problem of her not loving me enough or something like that. But I’m also utterly at a loss here, i have no clue on how we find a way to both be happy about movie nights (which are rather important because she loves watching movies overall).
Does anyone here have any tips or suggestions?
Why can’t you take turns picking movies for movie nights? This seems like a silly hill to die on. I’ve been with my partner for 5 years and we have literally never had a discussion or disagreement over TV time.
Pick movies neither of you have seen . You can also ask her what actors and actresses she likes and pick movies with them in it or ask her what her favorite genre is comedy, horror, action ….. and go from there .
I would stop watching movies together, you can spend time differently than always one being unhappy. Do you like boardgame or anything else..?
I do this with my gf pretty often over dinner at least. Only quick advice is maybe get in the habit of at least just watching something generic like the local news if you guys can’t think of anything to watch quick.
I put a bunch of movies on slips of paper in a jar and a once a week my girlfriend would pick a movie at random for us to watch on movie night. Letting the jar gods decide was a lot of fun.
So she is only interested in watching her own movie picks, and when you remind her that sometimes relationships are about compromise she only participates if you engage with her in the longest and worst possible method for picking a movie therefore forcing you guys never to actually pick one you both “agree” on so you just cave and watch whatever she wants just like she planned originally?
Yeah, she sounds like a really great and mature person.
I feel like are three realistic options:
1. (adjust this for the frequency you watch movie night) Every two week, you both compile a list of your top 5 movie picks. From each other’s list, you both select one that you would be willing to watch. If you hate all their options, fucking cope. Then you watch one person’s movie that night, and the next person’s movie the week after. Repeat. Make a rule that your submissions must be completely different every time, you can’t repeat a pick that was nixed for a whole year. Just keep track of this in your own documents, it’s not that hard.
2. Movie night just shouldn’t be a together date night activity anymore. You don’t have to do everything together. My husband and I have very different taste in movies as well, and he doesn’t really even like movies. Therefore, we don’t watch movies together (I ask for 1 Christmas movie and 1 Valentines movie per year, and we do it up big with popcorn, drinks, candy, etc). As for watching new movies in theater, we only really go to the theater together if a new movie that one of us is REALLY excited about or we NEED to see to participate in conversations with friends but it’s rare. We just hang out in other ways.
3. You realize that her inability to compromise or care about your preferences is actually a big red flag and you leave
I genuinly belive her that she has a pretty strong emotional reaction (possibly neurodivirgent) i dont know how to word it either and that theres no bad faith here.
But option 1 sounds good
Take turns picking and don’t make watching movies such a big deal, either of you.
My husband and I take turns picking instead of having to agree on every movie. It’s broadened the kind of thing we watch by a ton, and there’s always some mystery like ooo what is showing for movie night this week. It’s really fun. Even if there’s a bad movie you can still spend the time with snuggles, so totally worth it.
If you’re fighting over movies you can’t have any hope for any real life problems. I hope this is rage bait for the sake of my hope in humanity