I (23 M) met my partner (22 NB) few years back while studying. My partner is a biological woman, but doesn’t feel as they fit as a man or a woman. I don’t have a problem with that at all, since it’s what makes them most comfortable and I support them 100% on it.
I myself am straight, and am attracted romantically only to women. Before we began offically dating we spoke about gender and attraction. (They’re bit on the masculine side, but that’s my type.) I explained to them that I don’t mind as long as thrir not a man (sounds crude but I couldn’t think of better words for it)
These past couple months they have made jokes and send instagram reels saying stuff like "When I transition" and "after I become a man". Now I might be reading into it and they have made jokes like their the man of the house before, but these ones just feel more real. Like their hinting at it or gauging my reaction.
I know we haven’t been together for that long, but we’ve gone through some hard times together (not involving our relationship). I love them, but I don’t know how to feel about this. I’m not against LGBTQ+ community, same sex love or anything like that at all (In my opinion, if it doesn’t hurt anyone and makes you more comfortable, there’s no harm), but I’m straight.
Now even if they’re not planning/want to physically transition into a man, but just changing their pronouns to he/him, I still don’t know how to feel. I mean it wouldn’t change our relationship much (at least not physically), but it would still change things.
I don’t want to lose them, but I feel it could possibly lessen/change my romantical feelings towards them. I also feel it would affect my social life and the way other people see me. (Don’t get me wrong, no one in my social circle is homophobic or anything. It would just change things.)
I’m planning to speak to them about this to understand what they want and how to proceed. If you have any advice or inside on this topic, it would be appreciated. Also if you have any help or advice for my feelings and how I should proceed would also be greatly appreciated.
Edit: i forgot to mention. If they do want to transition I will support them, but I don’t know if I will be able to continue the relationship romantically further. I am seeking clearity of my feelings towards this and help on how to proceed.
Like you said, you are a straight male. If your partner wants to be a male, whether that is through transition, or through how they identify, that means you are dating a man (maybe some can’t accept that reality, ignore them).
You may not want to lose them, but do you seriously see a future where you date the same gender?
Start with a conversation with them, you mentioned they want to transition in your title but they haven’t actually told you that. Then go from there, or make another post.
It’s perfectly fine not to want to continue with the relationship – anyone can end a relationship at any time for any reason, or for no reason at all. But if your partner decides that they need to make this change in order to have their physical form match who they are inside, then attempting to stop them simply because you want to keep them in a romantic relationship would be a shitty thing to do. Your better course in that instance would be to wish your partner well and part ways amicably.
I don’t have much experience with this subject at all, but I’m very much like you in that I am very vanilla and straight and only interested in people who are definitely biological men and present as such. Just wanted to tell you that I completely understand where you’re coming from with your concerns and anxieties about the future of this relationship.
I think you’re already doing what I would have advised — seeking an honest conversation with your partner. If they do indeed plan to transition, I don’t think you would be an asshole for concluding that the relationship would change beyond what you’re comfortable with, and needs to end.
Just remember to be kind and remember you care about them, and that life is messy sometimes and situations like this do come up and could change how you guys relate to one another. Good luck 🥺
>These past couple months they have made jokes and send instagram reels saying stuff like “When I transition” and “after I become a man”. Now I might be reading into it and they have made jokes like their the man of the house before, but these ones just feel more real. Like their hinting at it or gauging my reaction.
So just to be clear, your partner hasn’t **actually** told you they want to transition, and you’re feeling confused and concerned about what these kinds of remarks suggest about her wishes and intentions?
In that case, you should sit down with your partner, share with them what kind of jokes and posts you’ve been noticing from them, and let them know you want to better understand what exactly their thoughts and feeling are behind these remarks. You could then clarify what your worries and concerns are.
In the long-term, it’d help to establish a relationship where both of you can feel open and safe about sharing your honest thoughts and feelings with each other. That way, you can have more confidence that, in the event that your partner *does* decide they want to transition, they’d tell you.
>I’m not against LGBTQ+ community, same sex love or anything like that at all (In my opinion, if it doesn’t hurt anyone and makes you more comfortable, there’s no harm), but I’m straight.
No judgment here. It’s possible to support other peoples’ sexual orientations and gender identities, while also having personal standards and preferences for partners based on the qualities you’re personally attracted to.
I am bisexual but I am only attracted to masculine men and feminine women. If my husband told me he wanted to transition to a woman, I would lose all attraction.
You don’t have to feel bad about being a straight male and not finding men attractive.
I don’t have any advice having not been through something similar but just wanted to say, you sound like a good and supportive partner and also that your feelings are perfectly valid. I don’t think attraction can be controlled anymore than your partners feelings about gender. Life is way too short for either of you to feel you have to live your lives as a compromise. They should be able to pursue their identity as they see fit. You should be with someone you are attracted to. I would only say, life is also too short to worry about what society thinks, if there is an agreeable route in there for you both. Why take opinions from people that have a life that you don’t want/respect?
In some areas in my opinion… I think you may be being a bit of a nob here, in others … not so much.
Let me explain;.
I was in a relationship where the opposite was true, my partner detransitioned. We were both ftm, and they detransitioned back to being a woman again whilst in the relationship 3 years in.
I supported them, still loved them.
Unless your partner is literally planning on getting gender reassignment surgery such as hormones, top surgery and or bottom surgery…
It really shouldn’t bother you all that much.
You love the person you fell in love with, not their gender. If you really give that much of a fuck about people seeing you as this straight male… you shouldn’t have even contemplated dating a NB person. Like… at all.
I think you might be in the midst of a sexuality crisis and if so that’s ok… but if you think you’re not attracted at least a little bit to the masculine qualities of your partner… you’re lying to yourself.
Sorry to be a dick, not my intention. However I feel for your partner as you clearly have some self discovery to do… in my opinion if you care so much about what others think… don’t be with them. Sorry I couldn’t provide much more insight.
If you aren’t attracted to men, and they want to transition into one, that’s a fine reason to break up.
But even if they don’t, your bigger problem is that you don’t actually see your partner as non binary, you see them as a woman. And they aren’t one.
I am nonbinary and personally it would make me so uncomfortable with my partner referring to me as “biologically x gender.” Do they know that’s how you talk about them? To me it sounds like you are ok dating them even though you’re straight because you still view them as a woman.
Either way it sounds like you need to have a straightforward conversation with them and really consider if your love is conditional on them not transitioning or using he/him pronouns. Neither of you should have to compromise your sexualities or genders for a relationship, it’s not healthy.
sorry in advance for a longish comment, im nonbinary and have been in a similar spot in regards to relationships. it can get messy and complicated especially when you’re still figuring things out. i strongly recommend posting to r/asktransgender
some people aren’t meant to be together forever, that’s ok. growing and changing while in a relationship is a good thing, unfortunately those changes sometimes lead to incompatibility.
if and when you have a discussion with them about this, i strongly suggest you don’t go into it from the attraction angle, obviously that’s an important aspect for your relationship, but that’s not going to lead to a productive conversation. it is a classic situation for a trans person to put their desire to medically or socially transition on the back burner for the sake of preserving their relationships, even if it would genuinely improve their life otherwise. i’m assuming your care about your partner, if that’s true you probably want them to be happy and healthy right? even if that means you’re no longer attracted to/compatible with them. presumably they feel the same way in regards to you, and would want you to be in a relationship with someone you’re attracted to/compatible with. if you guys DONT want the best for each other the relationship is a bust anyway
ask them what they *want*. do they want to go in HRT? get any sort of surgeries? use he/him pronouns? maybe they don’t know the answers to these questions right now, maybe they do. gender is complicated and it really can be a “journey” trying to figure out what you want in regards to all that, especially so if you’re not a binary man or woman.
this is a question i think you should ask yourself: do you see your partner as a woman? and if you do, is it necessary that you see them as a woman to be in a relationship with them? where would the line be for you to no longer be able to see them as such? because your partner is not a woman, and they haven’t been the entire time you’ve been together. i’m not saying this to be accusatory, i just think it’s something important for you to evaluate and think about ESPECIALLY if you want to continue your relationship
good luck, be gentle with yourself and your partner. i have a lot of rambley things to say on this topic so feel free to respond with any specific questions or thoughts. again, strongly recommend posting to r/asktransgender
Don’t be wishy wishy. You’re not attracted to men. They would become a man. The math doesn’t pencil out.
If you’re worried about how your partner’s gender identity could potentially affect your reputation with your totally ‘not’ homophobic friends, then you’re not really an ally to them or the community and your friends are shitty people who you shouldn’t be wasting your time with anyways.
That aside, this is something you should be discussing with your partner. Right now you are making assumptions based on what you think are hints about changes in how they feel about their gender identity and that they no longer align with yours when in reality you have no real way of knowing what they’re planning on doing unless you talk to them about it. You may not be obligated to stay with them but you do owe them the truth even if it’ll change the way they see you or be what causes your relationship to go down in the worst way possible even if you feel things could somehow work out in the end.