So I (32F) have the Mom Trauma^(TM) and when my partner (34M) of almost four years tells me "Do what you want," he actually means what he says. Unfortunately, it’s happened a few times now that he’s said that and out of nowhere my traumatized brain takes over and I get a throwback to my mom’s passive aggressive use of it that actually means "I’m mad that you’re disagreeing with me so I’m going to make you feel like shit about it." I **know** that he actually means it, that I’m an adult and can take his suggestions and use them or don’t. But apparently the phrase itself is a bad trigger for me.
So we’ve been trying to think of another way to say it but I’m having trouble coming up with something. Any suggestions?
How about “I want you to do whatever makes you happy, my love.” or “I trust your judgement, whatever you think, babe.”
“Suggestion: We do X”
“Counter-suggestion: We do Y”
Something lighter might be the play – “whatever you prefer”, “whatever feels right for you”, “trust your judgement” are all phrases I would consider.
Is any part of the problem the fact that you have decision fatigue, and don’t just want to pick all the time? Is your husband saying “do what you want”to opt out of mental labor, and what you want is a partner who carries some of the decision making load? That warrants one type of conversation.
If that’s not it, and you are happy to make these decisions, how about asking him to say “I’m happy either way,” or “I want what you want,” or “I’ll leave that one to you,” or “don’t worry about me?”
Today it was that he asked if I wanted to take a break and come make lunch with him while I was getting irritated with something I was trying to get done, but I said I’d be there in a second after I did something else. And he was like “yeah okay do what you want.” So it wasn’t any decision fatigue or mental labor. He’s thankfully not one to shirk that kind of thing. Though I definitely do get decision fatigue and paralysis, I don’t think that has ever triggered the “oh my god he’s upset with me and the rest of the day at least is going to be miserable” that my system is trained for those words on.
Thanks!
Why did he say “do what you want” in this scenario? It’s actually passive aggressive. A much better response would just be “ok” or “no problem” or “that’s fine”. Jeez, he could even say the exact same words, but with a soft face, kind voice and kiss, and you’d not be able to interpret it as passive aggressive.
I also find it weird that you’ve mentioned it and now you need to come up with the phrase he can say. That is oddly manipulative because it’s unnecessarily complicated. The sheer simplicity of what he could say, or even how he could say it, and he’s incapable of making that adjustment without getting you anxious about it.
Take a page out of The Princess Bride and he can say “As you wish”
It’s particularly effective if he has golden bangs that just barely cover one of his eyes.
I love this. 10/10. Why didn’t I think of that?!
How would you feel about telling your partner how this phrase makes you feel, including your history? It wouldn’t be hard to make it clear that you know that he means well, but you’ve just come to find that you have this sensitivity to this particular phrase.
If that works for him, then great, problem solved.
If he’s not sure what alternatives could work for him, you could offer to help him with figuring some out.
If he for some reason takes offense to you letting him know what upsets you and asking him to make a small adjustment to his communications with you… uh, I’d question what his issue is.
I mean… it does sound kind of passive aggressive? When and why is he saying this so frequently?
He doesn’t really say it often, given that in almost four years this has only happened a few times. It was just that when it happened today it hit me \*bad\* so we talked about it and he definitely does not want to be interpreted that way at all, so we’re trying to figure out how to change the phrasing so that the idea of “you’re an adult and I trust you to make your decisions” can be communicated without having to say all that.
“Do you” or “as you wish” may work to not trigger you.
I love this one! “You do you, babe” is kind of fun, lighthearted, and gets the point across!
“I trust your judgement!”