I (34 F) was dating, Jim (30 M). We’re both recently divorced, since last fall, so we bonded over that. I was only with my ex husband for 3 years, Jim was with his ex wife for over a decade, met through college. They were friends, he was in a fraternity, she was in a sorority, a lot of the same friends. My ex husband turned out to be a different person than I though so I had no problem cutting him out of my life. No hard feelings, luckily I just dont feel anything towards him. I truly believe the opposite of love is indifference and its a beautiful thing. Jims story is a little different, his ex wife, “Sarah” changed her birth control, said she was no longer attracted to him, was into women and didnt want kids. Something he’s always wanted, his family and friends even mentioned it in early dating. So they split. I’ve heard from not only Jim, but family and friends that she wasnt really good to him. They stayed in touch, the divorce and some other things werent finalized, but as far as I knew things were cordial and they considered themselves “friends”. After about a month I started to notice and pointed out to Jim that he talks a lot about his ex. He said he noticed that and its something he’s actively working on in therapy. I never had a problem with Sarah and would joke about inevitably meeting her one day due to the friend group, but then Sarah did something I found to be disrespectful. I wont get into specifics, but there was an old snapchat group from college that something was said in that shouldnt have been, a joke about me and Jim sexually, Sarah understandably got upset, I completely understood why she would, but then she turned around and posted something blatantly disrespectful on her story about “her ex”, pretty obvious who it was about. I mentioned they have all the same friends in common right? Well one friend point out it was messed up and Sarah called Jim to apologize, he forgave her and said it was probably someone else that gave her the idea to do it. This raised some alarm bells for me. I understand when you’re in a relationship with someone for a long time that you tend to make excuses for them and I could see that they were still in that rhythm. They had never had time or space really. I told Jim since he’s with me that he needed to have better boundaries for his ex because this behavior was inexcusable, she was disrespectful to not only me but our relationship.
I was starting to meet more friends and family and they were always comparing me to Sarah. That may seem dramatic but I had two separate events, two weekends in a row where I was meeting people and it kept happening, and after that I started to notice it more. Even Jim did it. I asked him to stop and pointed out that thats in the past and that I should not be compared to someone, that I can be admired for being a great person without bringing this other person into it. I started to get met with resistance about boundaries and thinking he needed space before he could be friends with his ex. It was a struggle to even get him to start packing up some of her stuff as he “didnt notice it”. At this point it had been about 8 months since they had split.
The night before the second event one of his friends let it slip that even though we’re both divorced, “I’m better” because I dont keep in contact with my ex like Jim who was snapchatting Sarah. I froze. I had no idea because he hadnt told me. I asked him what they were talking about and why he didnt mention it. He said he was going too but didnt have time and that Sarah had noticed on snapchat that the said friend was in town. I said “if she has his location why not reach out to him?”, he pointed out they dont get along, I pointed out if she has his location that she knows where he is and theres really no point in asking Jim. I had tried explaining to him this was the unnecessary contact I was talking about and that I thought it was best that since they do not have any children that their communication should be kept to just the divorce, so that we can focus on our relationship and the future. My therapist, his therapist and even me eventually thought it would be best for him to remove her off social media. This was again met his resistance. He said he just wanted to understand the why behind something in order to be able to do it. He eventually removed her.
Because of the constant struggle and it being an issue it was a bit of a contentious point of our relationship, which was only 4 months as it was. I need to be better about communication and I tried to make sure he saw my side of things.
About a month ago I found out I was pregnant. I told Jim, we were going to move in together, and a couple nights after I told him he stepped out to get me some candy. I gave him my debit card as he left his wallet at work. He was gone for a while so I was just scrolling through the different apps and decided to see if he had been to the store yet. When I looked at my banking app, I noticed that there was a $250 withdrawal, so I texted Jim asking if he had taken money out, figuring that he must’ve had a good reason. He said that he didn’t and a little while later, the money was deposited back into the account. When he got back to the house, I had asked him once again if he had taken money out, and he said “No. Why would I take money from you?”. I had told him that I would call my bank in the morning to see what was going on, I had called and asked if I could review the footage of the ATM to see who withdrew it, and they said that I would have to file a police report for a warrant. I had told Jim this and I once again asked him if he took out the money and he said something along the lines of “What, you don’t believe me?”, but after I had told him that I would have to call the police and the warrant he called me and admitted that it was him. I told him we were done. I had told him previously multiple times in our relationship not to lie to me. I said that I didn’t believe him or anything that he would tell me, and I was wondering if he even had money. So I asked him to give me his phone. I need to see for myself that he had money and at that point I wanted to look through his phone. I didn’t get very far, as I came across a text thread with him and his ex Sarah. The day after I told him I was pregnant, he was sending her a video off of social media, chitchatting back and forth and had sent her pictures of his new workspace, that she allegedly helped design. He tried telling me he hadnt even thought of it when he was doing it. But she was the only other person he knew that was a fan of that content, and that she had asked to see the new workspace. I had told him I didnt care. We had multiple discussions previously of this, I was crystal clear in my expectations and that he cared more about the comfort of his ex than his pregnant girlfriend.
Obviously the lying and stealing is terrible and a deal breaker on its own, but emotionally the Sarah thing paired with all the previous fights just really put it up there for me. I felt disrespected and I just dont feel the same. He tried to tell me that it was a mistake and that she doesn’t mean anything to him, but if that were the case he couldve just stopped texting her when I asked. I should mention the divorce has been finalized since before that. The conversation wasnt even about any of that. After the blatant lies I started to think more. I had noticed and overlooked when dating him that he would tell lies to other people thinking that he was just saying it in the moment to spare their feelings, but I had noticed how easily he did it. I had noticed during the last few months that he would tell me things that happened that I didnt remember. I have ADD so sometimes I cant focus on multiple things happening at once. For example, one time he had even told me that a mutual friend was trying to talk to me during a game, and I completely ignored her, the next time I saw her I apologized saying with my ADD sometimes I cant focus and that I never mean to ignore anyone. I just sometimes don’t notice when they’re talking to me. She told me that never happened…
It happened again when telling people about our first visit to the OB. He said something that didn’t happen, I don’t know if he does it for dramatic effect, or if he genuinely believes this happened, but I was right there and it never did. I’ve told him that we’re done, and then if we’re going to coparent, I need him to seek some serious help. That I don’t think that therapy is helping him and that I think you need something a little bit more than that, I think that he’s a pathological liar. He said insurance wont cover it and that he doesnt see why he would need to see someone like a psychologist.
There are obviously two sides to every story and way more information but this is the best I can do to compress it all. I’m obviously also super hormonal right now and upset at the situation he’s put us in and the stress he’s brought on me at such a vulnerable time. I have people telling me we should try to work it out for the baby, but idk. I feel like if there were any hope he needs serious help.
I do want to point out that he says he really wants this baby with me, he wants to be with me, and he has said he will do anything he can to make it up to me. He has blocked and deleted his ex. Claims it was just a mistake because he just thinks of her as a friend, just like any other female friend. He said he will go to couples counseling. He said that he knows what he did is wrong. He’s so far taken all the blame, but I just dont know at this point. I dont think people can change.
Well if he’s the father then just get him to pay child support but don’t go back to him. Couple counseling won’t help IMO, it will likely happen again. Action speaks louder than words FYI. People tend to forget that and hold out false hope until they get burn
Move out of this state and into one where you have family. Give birth where you want to live so he can’t force you to stay where you are for coparenting.
He’s telling you what you want to hear so you won’t leave. You should never have to beg someone to leave their ex alone. He won’t stop because he doesn’t want to. Him making up lies about things that never happened is just to see how much he can gaslight and manipulate you into believing what he says. It will only get worse.
You don’t state how far along you are, but if you’re not very far along, I would suggest that you get an abortion. You really don’t need or want this man in your life the rest of your life because something is sentimentally wrong with him and he’s going to be nothing but trouble furthermore, it be hard to trust him with your daughteror your son or whatever you’re having if that’s not the case make sure that you get visiting rights that are with some kind of a counselor or someone that can be there during the visitation. I wouldn’t trust him alone with the child at all.