So last night I discovered my (F23) boyfriend’s (M24) stash of vodka. 8 bottles, most of them nearly empty. We’ve been dating for a year and a half and live together.
We didn’t go to bed together last night because he had some additional work to do, and so when I randomly woke up at 4 am and saw he wasn’t in bed, I went to his office and found him passed out at his desk. I had to guide him to bed and keep him from falling over because he was stumbling around a lot. When I went back to grab his phone I found a super strong mixed drink on his desk, and I searched the room more and found the bottles hidden in a bag.
For additional context, about a year ago near the start of our relationship he came clean to me that he had issues with drinking, and was using it as a way to fall asleep, and had been hiding it from me every time I stayed the night. It was a pretty emotional conversation, he agreed to get help, saw a therapist, went a doctor to get medication for his sleeping problems. And I was very supportive and there for him as long as he promised to not lie or try to hide something like that from me again.
Anyways the past two months I was starting to see signs that he might be drinking heavily again. He never went fully sober, we still drank socially together, but that was the agreement that he only drank with other people, and never more than anyone else, and never alone. But then there were a lot of nights where he said he needed to work, so I’d go to bed, randomly wake up at 1 am to see he still hasn’t come to bed, go to his office and he would just be watching YouTube. And when I asked him why he was still up, he’d have really slurred speech. So I’d asking him if he’d been drinking but he’d always deny it and say he was just tired.
I always believed him but now I just feel so embarrassed about this whole thing. Like I never wanted to be the girl with that boyfriend that over drinks. But I love him and he’s my best friend, he just turns into a different person at night it seems like. Someone that wants to be alone and drink to fall asleep. I’m not really sure what to do? If he’s been lying to me for this long I’m not sure how I can trust him again moving forward?
TLDR: my boyfriend has been drinking to fall asleep at night for months and hiding it from me, and I’m not sure what to do
It’s clear that he has a drinking problem what I would suggest is you sit him down and you tell him that you found all of his bottles and that he needs to go to AA or try and get help if you and him really want this relationship to work
She already did that. And he performed all the correct things to convince her that he was going along with it.
But the reality is that there’s not a lot of point in giving an addict an ultimatum. Either they’re ready to get sober or they aren’t, and if they aren’t they’ll just lie and tell you want you want to hear so you don’t leave.
Totally agreed with this, however I’d say that ultimatums can help, but generally they only help long, long after they’re given and generally long after the person who gave the ultimatum has left. What I mean, a person who is in active addiction often dismisses those ultimatums now but they can add up and help people get towards their rock bottom. A person who later gets sober can often remember them and use them to maintain sobriety. But you’re right, someone who isn’t ready isn’t going to stop, and they’re only going to be ready when they’re ready.
Editing to say I’m not sure if that maks much sense, but to clear the OP shouldn’t stick around to see the end of result of their ultimatums. OP your boyfriend isn’t ready, and this will get worse before it gets better, and at your age you don’t need to sign up for this.
He’s in the grip of a progressive disease, so he needs to get help immediately. This isn’t about you, but about him not being in control of the alcohol anymore (been there, am sober). I would try to get over my feelings of embarassment, if you can. You haven’t done anything wrong. Addicts lie, that’s just it. Is rehab an option for him? Medication for alcohol misuse disorder?
He actually was already on that medication you just mentioned. When he came clean and went to see a doctor a year ago that’s what they prescribed, and I was under the impression it worked, but I guess not
Or he wasn’t taking it. They can prescribe the pills, but he has to make the choice to take them, and gently, if he’s an alcoholic and not ready to give up drinking yet, then he likely wasn’t taking them.
It sounds very much like he told you what he knew you wanted to hear (par for the course with an addict) because he didn’t want you to leave. Followed through by showing all the appropriate behaviours (seeing a doctor, etc.) to you. But performing all the right things for you is not the same as his actually being ready to get sober. It sounds like he may have stopped short of taking the meds, so he could continue drinking in private.
“He agreed to get help” is often the sign that the addict is doing that – telling you what you need to hear in order to stay. There’s a big difference between “agreeing to get help” and “seeking help of his own volition”. You can’t make an addict be ready to get sober. That has to be their decision. If he only agreed because he was afraid of losing you, then it was always likely that he was still drinking.
You can want him to change all you want. HE needs to want to change for there to be any change.
Addiction is horrible and the question you have to ask yourself is do you see yourself supporting him through it for another month, another year, 5 years, your whole life?
Addiction involves lying, hiding, self sabotage and injury. It involves pour (see what I did there) choices, like using alcohol for sleep (which results in horrible sleep scores).
If you think you can handle all those what ifs (along with how he has already behaved) then continue to stay and support how you can, if not, make a decision. It is on you to weigh the situation and make a decision, we can’t do that for you.
My personal belief is that people with issues like this should be focusing on themselves and not be in a relationship that they can’t be ready for because they don’t have their own significant issues squared away.
He’s an alcoholic. I’m sober. Run. And. Go to Al-anon for support. You can’t help him. You have zero power. You can’t make him want to quit and he’s incapable of being a social drinker. He’s going to destroy his life. Don’t let him destroy yours. Do go to Al-anon. You need and deserve the support. There’s not another group of people who will truly understand and you’ll get to see what happens when you stay. I really hope you don’t. Just by staying, you are enabling him. Time to cut off all contact. Don’t agree to stand by and watch him slowly and painfully kill himself. I hope someday he’ll want sobriety but most don’t. You have to want it above everything and it’s a lifetime commitment. There’s no such thing as a former alcoholic. I’ve got 19 years and I’m an alcoholic in recovery.
Him never getting fully sober was the first mistake – alcoholics do not know how to drink socially or casually, and they only get sober when *they* are ready to do so. If you have a boundary that you don’t stay in a relationship with someone that’s an alcoholic, that’s perfectly fine, but then you are responsible for enforcing that. This isn’t going to improve until/unless he’s willing to get and stay completely sober.
He’s an alcoholic who doesn’t want to be in recovery.
End the relationship.
Don’t be embarrassed. Nobody ever expects they will end up dating an addict, often addicts are good at hiding it for long enough that by the time you do see the scope you’re already emotionally invested. They are good at love bombing, pushing goalposts, and making the people around them unwitting enablers.
And sadly that’s where you are at right now. Note that the drinking isn’t the only concern, it’s the dozens, hundreds, thousands of lies he’s told you every day for the majority of your relationship. Everything designed to maximise the gaps he could sneak his addiction through, to maximise your ambivalence and stave off confrontation.
And coming back from that is obviously hard. It isn’t just the alcohol, learning to trust again will be a problem because you will have to face something scary about your relationship: he’s lied the entire time. Never in the entire time you’ve dated has he been someone worthy of trust. You want to trust him ‘again’ but the fact you did previously was part of his exploitation.
I just worry he is a lot further away from healthy than you hope and that this relationship was never what you thought it was. You risk a lot investing more into trying to help him recover, especially as you’ve seen how comfortably he lies to you.
As someone who was married to an alcoholic for many years, please save yourself and leave. He will not change and you will be ruining your own life if you stay with him. This will not go well for you. Alcoholics are very crafty about hiding their drinking. If he won’t change on his own nothing you say or do will make him quit.
Either you love them for who they are or not at all.
Kind of the nature of alcoholism as he’s in its jaws. Alcohol will be his primary relationship and every other thing will come in second or third or. . Relapses are more the rule than the exception. It’s a hard road for him as well but ultimately his choice. You may love him but you can’t save him