I (41F) and my husband (45M) have been together for over 8 years, lived together for 6 years, married for 1.5 years. We have 6 children total from previous marriages. I have 4, ages 13M, 15M, 18M, and 21F. He has 2, ages 18F and 21M.
We all take a turn doing the dishes. My husband and I got tired of washing all the pots and pans when it came to our turns because the kids didn’t have room to fit them in the dishwasher and wouldn’t wash them by hand. So we made the rule they had to do another load if they left anything. I enforce this rule with my kids and try to enforce it with his. Well, his daughter did the dishes and left a pot and pan. I asked him if he was going to tell her she had to do another load and he said “no, she did everything else. I’ll just make (his son) do them because (reasons).” I told him that she needs to be held to the same standards as everyone else. He said “I’ll make her wash the pot and pan.” That’s not what everyone else has to do. They have to do another load. So, AITAH?
Edit: Sorry, first ever Reddit post, I was trying to keep it shortish.
The rule is do all the dishes when it’s your turn. If you leave anything instead of just washing it with your hands (99% of the time it’s pots/pans), you need to do another load with whatever accumulated since the dishes were done last. I don’t have a problem with her just washing by hand the pot and pan she left, but that wasn’t the rule. If he wants to make that the rule, then great! Everyone should be held to the same standard.
No, I don’t condone loading a single pot and single pan and then running the dishwasher, I don’t like wasting water or electricity.
Edit 2: The rule is: do all the dishes at once by loading the dishwasher and then washing whatever is left by hand. If you refuse to wash anything by hand, save it for another load but don’t leave it for the next person.
Husband said he would just have her wash the pot and pan that was left, leaving what has accumulated since she did the dishes (minus the pot and pan) for her brother.
Info: why does it matter if they do another load or wash the pot and pan by hand?
My guess is because they left the pots for someone else. If they did them when it was their turn, they wouldn’t have to do the next load.
Yeah but husband said “I’ll make her wash the pot and pan” and OP is unsatisfied with this option but it isn’t clear why.
She did them late at night so by the next day there were enough dishes for another load to add the pot and pan into the dishwasher. She could have just washed them by hand when she was done loading the dishwasher, but she left them.
ESH The standard should be that they get all the dishes/pans clean. They can do it with an extra load or by doing the pans by hand. The objective is to get *everything* clean without you or your husband having to do it (or nagging).
It looks like the point of the consequence is that when they leave things undone, the consequence is that you get extra dishes – and if you don’t like the consequence, you won’t do it again
NTA for holding all kids to the same standard. But do you really run a separate load for a couple pans? Or do you mean they have to load them into the washer to be run the next time it’s full? Hand washing a couple of items takes like 5 minutes. “they wouldn’t wash them by hand” shoudn’t fly IMO.
Do you put pots and pans in the dishwasher? We have always washed them by hand.
It would be fine if they unloaded the dishwasher and just placed the pot and pan in for the next person so they didn’t have to deal with it. But it never happens like that
I think the biggest problem here is that you have six children who refuse to wash pots and pans by hand. What are they going to do the first time they move out and they have to live in an apartment with no dishwasher?
I’m going out on a limb here but I suspect they’ll wash them by had.
I think what you are saying is that if daughter is scheduled to do dishes on Monday, if she leaves anything leftover after loading up the dishwasher, then she will be asked to do dishes on Tuesday (since some of them are her leftovers from the night before). If everyone followed this, there would always be some dishes in the sink or on the counter. If that’s the case, the NTA. Either each kid does all of it or they have to do two days in a row. I think that’s fair and your DH should have backed you up by calling the daughter down and telling her she left something that has to be done now / tonight. Not that her brother will do it, because that’s not fair to him and it’s a slippery slope until no one is doing the dishes and they are leaving it to you.
I’m reading this and what I see is –
If someone doesn’t finish the dishes by leaving the pots and pans simply because they didn’t fit in the dishwasher when they could have washed those things by hand…
The consequence is that they not only have to wash the things that they left unwashed, but they have to do the next load as well.
The idea being – if you slack off and don’t finish your chore, you get to do the chore again the next day – so maybe next time, you’ll finish your dishes.
In this case, your husband is happy to enforce the chore rule on everyone except – this daughter.
NTA
Not sure what’s up with everyone who seems to think that this is cruel and unusual…
NTA but please for the love of god, write these things out better. I hate digging through comments to understand a story.
Daughter refused to hand wash the remaining dishes, dad wouldn’t back you up. Dad is the real asshole. In real news, all the kids should be doing dishes.
Teach them community and how to work together. That’s the real lesson in life. Who the hell wants to be doing dishes ALONE. **I’m an only child that wished for siblings** let them hate you – together.