I (16 nb) am a wheelchair user and have multiple chronic illnesses (anemia, arthritis, chronic pain/fatigue) and have been struggling all my life. I had a type of cancer that was on my spine when I was born, and it affected my lower body. Throughout my life, my medical history has been very traumatic, as I have had over 25 surgeries since I was about 10 weeks old (when I was diagnosed with cancer) and haven’t had the easiest life when it came to my health. I have been told by many people (friend’s parents, my extended family, therapists) that my trauma "isn’t real trauma" because I wasn’t abused, hadn’t witnessed a huge disaster, or been a military veteran. Because of this, I am a big advocate for people who have medical trauma, no matter the severity of the situation.
Now, onto the story:
I was in Health Science Theory class (one of my favorite classes) and we were talking about ethic in the medical field and one of my classmates asked the teacher what could cause trauma to patients and their families and how you keep from traumatizing them as much as possible. Before my teach could respond, another classmate (who we’ll call Hazel, 16 F) blurted "Well, the patient and family are just going to have to deal with it because it’s what makes them feel better. You just make sure they don’t get worse!" That really pissed me off.
This is where I might be the asshole: I practically exploded! I went off on Hazel because I knew that if people actually listened to that, they wouldn’t understand why people decide to stop trusting healthcare professionals. I borderline shouted "You have no idea! Do you know what people who experience medical trauma do? They sob at the fact of going to the ER when they get sick. They deny the fact they don’t feel good. They resist until they’re on the verge of death! Do you want to do that to all your patients Ms. privileged and green?"
The class got silent and Hazel got all teary-eyed, and the teacher started to explain to Hazel in a kinder manner why she was incorrect. I felt very out of place all of a sudden and so I excused myself to go to the bathroom to cool off. I kind of regretted how I said it all, plus Hazel didn’t know any better since she didn’t have the experience, but at the same time, she needed to learn, or she would’ve found out in a lot harder and more difficult way. I know I was advocating for something I care about, but some of the people in that class say that I was too harsh on Hazel. Some of my friends who also have disabilities and chronic illness have heard this story or saw it happen and are on my side because they know that Hazel had to learn somehow, so that must’ve been the way she had to learn.
Based on all this information, Reddit, am I the asshole? Should I apologize and/or explain myself to Hazel as to why I responded in that way?
I’d say technically YTA, I agree with what you said and what Hazel said was kinda stupid but it was out of line to snap at her like that.
Here is the deal…now Hazel won’t care to learn because when she expressed an opinion she was shouted at and called names. So she simply won’t learn. And you didn’t learn how to engage in debate or discourse.
The teacher shouldn’t have just explained to Hazel when she returned, she should have had you leave class for being disruptive and rude.
Hazel said something that was ignorant, and I understand why it frustrated you. That said, yelling and insulting people isn’t the way to handle this. The teacher was able to explain it to her – so you didn’t actually need to get involved here. Yes, Hazel had to learn, but from a teacher, not from a fellow student shouting at her. I would apologise to her.
A little bit, but you’ve been through the wringer. I had no idea what constant painful like until I had it and, like you, now dislike doctors. You just overreacted to a button you didn’t know you had. That happens a lot when you’re young and are still identifying your buttons. Just be aware it’s there and tone it down next time.
I dont call kids or teens the A. The way you handled it was wrong. Yes, she “needed to learn” correct information, but yelling at people and treating them like that is not how you teach them. She can’t possibly know what its like to be you, nobody but other people who’ve experienced it can. You could have spoken up and offered your perspective without doing what you did. You should apologize for that, but then explain more about how life has been for you and your family. You might just make a new friend and she might just learn how to walk a bit in another person’s shoes. She made a mistake because she didnt know any better, you made a mistake in your reaction, it happens. You are both young and growing and learning still. Mistakes are part of that. Neither of you should be hard on yourselves or eachother.
I’d say an apology is in order, with the teacher present. Explain your point of view like you did here, and help her understand, so she doesn’t shut down or hold a grudge. Maybe you’ll end up friends if all goes well.
Of course YTA – she was wrong but not irrational and you were way to harsh and certainly made multiple people uncomfortable, not because of the subject matter but the way you responded. Apologize to her and your teacher. It sounds like you were taking out your frustration in how your family and therapists have responded to you. Its not only about what you say, but how you say it. Keep that in mind.
I don’t want to say Y T A, because I understand why you reacted that way and the frustration and anger that would accompany hearing ignorant statements like that.
However, it would probably be a really good idea to say to Hazel that you’re very sorry you blew up at her and called her names, and you shouldn’t have done that, but it’s really important for people to understand what medical trauma is and how people experience it. And even doctors don’t always get it, which is why it’s so important to you.
YTA – yelling and snapping at someone will never get your point across, all they will think about is being yelled at, never what was said.
No, though, could you have handled it better? Sure. She said something insensitive and you reacted insensitively. I think it’d be worth a brief conversation with Hazel, just to say I’m sorry I snapped, but I’m passionate about this topic due to (give brief idea to her). I hope you understand how damaging that mindset can be to a patient. I hope you accept my apology and understand a little bit more where my response came from. (If she doesn’t accept it, at least you tried.)
YTA, but softly. I can understand why you were upset by Hazel’s comments. What she said was very insensitive.
However, what is your goal? If your goal is to help others understand that medical trauma is a real issue, then yelling and so on is not going to accomplish that goal.
I am a psychiatric nurse practitioner and medical trauma is, unfortunately, fairly common. There are relevant diagnoses in the DSM V for these conditions. So one approach to educating others is to be factual and explain what medical trauma is, what causes it, that there are recognized psychiatric diagnoses, etc.
Another approach is to make the suffering real by providing a story of why someone might develop medical trauma and how we could do better in healthcare to prevent this. One of my patients had to endure dozens of surgeries and procedures starting as an infant, all the way through his teen years. Many of these were excrutiatingly painful and he was not always given medications for pain relief, or enough medication. He admits the surgeries reduced the severity of his condition, but he lost a leg, uses a prosthetic, and suffers from chronic pain. Due to his medical trauma, he has great difficulty going to medical appointments. When he explained this in his own words, he was very eloquent, and hearing the pain in his voice, I was almost reduced to tears. It really drove home to me this is a “real” condition and it can be very serious. In academic talk, this is a “lived experience” and it is an important part of educating others.
Medical trauma can also be psychological, when patients are mocked, ridiculed, or belittled by their provider (which happens more than one would like), or if their concerns are ignored.
It is good that your school is educating students on this important topic.
Best wishes to you.
I completely understand if I am the asshole (I am writing this before the verdict is decided) and I will update you guys with what happens with Hazel tomorrow (I have Spanish with Hazel tomorrow at the end of the day)! I will apologize saying something along the lines of “I’m sorry for snapping at you in HST class yesterday. I am a huge advocate for people who have medical trauma, however the way I did it yesterday clearly hurt you and I didn’t mean to do that.”
I might not be able to be friends with her as I probably hurt her feeling to that extreme, however, I hope that we can become at the very least, neutral, and hopefully it doesn’t follow us forever. Maybe somehow, we’d joke about it in the future in passing.
Thank you all for your input (I will still be looking at comments, but this is just like an edit kinda)
Thats a great conclusion you’ve come too. I wish you all the best.
I’m not going to give a judgement.
First, you need a different therapist. Medical trauma is real. I’ve been there and am grown. You are right. Trauma from not being listened to can bring a person near death; I almost died because the doctors weren’t listening to me so I didn’t want to back to the ER. Fortunately, I’ve found a therapist and a doctor who agree that PTSD from medical issues is real. I have a therapist that I see weekly to deal with my chronic illnesses.
Here’s where you were wrong: HOW you said what was on your mind. Taking the approach to explain why she was wrong and sharing your experiences would have been a very real opportunity to learn how medical issues can impact someone. Instead, she can’t understand because she’s in the defensive position.
Your reaction shows that you need a different therapist. Is it your job to educate the class? No. But if you want people to HEAR AND UNDERSTAND, your approach has to be in a way that they can listen and ask questions.
I get it, I almost died from multiple doctors not listening. Ended up in the ICU, and had 6 doctors who ALL had to agree in order to discharge me. Your experiences are real. I am so sorry that others don’t listen to you. Hopefully you’ll be able to cope better with everything, even though it will never fully go away.