So I (35F) moved to another country to live with my partner (36M) this year, and as a part of the immogration requirements, I have to learn to speak/read/write/listen to the national language at a B1 CEFR level well enough to pass related exams within the next 2.5 years. I am currently taking classes and I am progressing rapidly.
In my friend group is my partners to best friends Friend A (42M) and friend B (42M) along with Friend B’s girlfriend (35F). B’s GF like me also immigrated here and also is required to learn the language at the same level as me in the same time frame. She is very behind on her language learning, expects to reach the level she needs to using Duolingo alone (note: actually not possible, it will only get you maybe halfway there at best) and is very insecure about her lack of knowledge of the language.
As a note, this is a country where almost every body can speak at least some English, so it is very possible to get by aside from the immigration requirements without ever speaking the language. In fact many people in residency categories that don’t require language never do learn it and do fine. Everyone in the friend group speaks fluent English as well.
Well, I am at a point where I am now able to speak with my friends and partner about a lot of basic things in their language. When I am around them individually, I have already started speaking in the language where I can, and they are all happy to interact with me in the language to help me improve and learn.
However, up until now, I haven’t done it when B’s GF is around because I know how insecure she gets and stressed out thinking about how she hasn’t learned the language yet. However, I want to start getting even better, and the best way is to use the language in everyday life. I also think that it could be beneficial for her to learn, either by pushing her to actually seek out a realistic language learning path, or at the very least showing her it’s not that embarrassing to make mistakes with friends and actually start trying to speak herself.
Soft YTA – it could be helpful for her to learn, but that’s not for you to decide.
If the friend group has communicated one way and you make the move to switch to a communication that she is not able to participate in, you are excluding her.
Do you think it would be as much of an AH move if I consciously only used the most beginner friendly parts of the language possible?
Yes?
If you do that, you’re not helping her *or* yourself, which arguably makes it even more of an exclusionary thing to do. Is it that much of a burden to speak in a language your whole group is comfortable with? You can still use your new language in everyday life just fine unless she’s following you around all day.
I think that could be one solve, or proposing to the group that you try to do a language immersive specific activity! Like not switching up languages mid conversation which could feel excluding but more like “hey come to my place for a tea party where I can practice my language”, and she can participate or opt out at everyone’s comfort in advance
NYT
The best thing you can do for your self & to be respectful to your new country & it’s culture is to learn the language well.
It’s her issue that she wants to impose herself on others & force locals to speak a foreign language.
You’re among friends she has no reason to be embarrassed. To be honest you have to take a grain of humility and make mistakes to learn a language that’s just a reality. You are going to make mistakes, someone is going to be rude. It’s how it is.
I am assuming y’all are English speakers, we have a terrible habit of not assimilating & not respecting other cultures. Please do your best.
The boys are all natives and it’s just me and her who are immigrants, and both from English speaking countries. I am definitely doing my best to assimilate, which is why I want to start speaking the language whenever I can to improve.
You’re not responsible for her learning or not learning but I would let her know how you’re progressing and that you’re excited to speak the language whenever you can to continue to improve. It’s a subtle heads up that you’re not going to be exclusively speaking English and she should prepare. NTA.
That’s a good idea. I was personally thinking of just starting with Restaurant phrases: what would you like to drink, do you need anything, thank you, etc. When hosting.
Nta and well done for your commitment to learning the new language.
NTA. It’s a great idea. Just talk to her first and say hey let’s jump in with the language since we have to learn it anyway.
My only concern is what do I do when she responds negatively to that? “I’m not ready yet.” “I’m too tired for that” etc.
NTA as long as you are willing to switch to English if she asks or even if she doesn’t say anything but is obviously uncomfortable/lost. Keep in mind you shouldn’t push her, that’s none of your business, do it just for yourself.
NTA
Her lack of preparedness is NOT your problem. It’s hers. End of story. Speak the language so you become fluent. Don’t worry about her.