So basically, I (26m) met this guy last year, we’ll call him M (25m). We were friends for a while and then started dating in February. We were together for about four months, and it was a complicated relationship that I won’t get into. During this time I became friends with his older sister, who we will call E (27F). Long story short, me and M had a very messy breakup and are no longer in contact. Now this is where I’m wondering if I’m the bad guy. I remained in contact with E and we developed a very tight bond, against M’s wishes and without telling him.
M has always been very controlling, telling E where she can and cannot go and who she can hangout with, which I think is stupid because we’re adults, but not my family so not my place to say anything. E has directly told me she does not plan on telling her brother that we are talking, which is kind of complicated for me because I consider her one of my closest friends and hate keeping secrets like that.
Alas, everything was fine until recently. I was casually talking to a friend about E, and he asked me if I see her as more than a friend. I had never considered it as a possibility due to the circumstances, but the more I thought about it the more I realized I’m genuinely attracted to her outgoing personality and sweet nature. We have lots in common and have similar goals for our future.
I originally wasn’t planning to bring it up with E at all, until last night. We were talking on the phone pretty late like we often do, and she was upset because she is quite self conscious about her body. I reassured she is beautiful, and told her any guy would be lucky to have her. She asked me if I thought she was worth loving, and it accidently slipped out, and I told her I’m in love with her. She was quiet for a moment, and then told me she is in love with me too, but she doesn’t want to hurt her brother and feels guilty for lying to him. We had a good discussion, and have decided to remain only friends for now, due to the situation and we will see how things go. AITA for wanting to be with her even though her brother is my ex?
NTA. Your relationship shouldn’t be dependent on your ex-bf’s feelings.
You’re NTA for wanting to be with her, but don’t. In a world of 8 billion people, find someone who isn’t related to an ex.
I think you two need some time apart.
It definitely sounds like a complicated situation but the vibe I get from you saying he’s controlling to her kinda leads me to think maybe he was at fault for the breakup (correct me if I’m wrong). I don’t think you owed him anything (especially not talking to his sister if you had a genuine friendship) and it sounds like you guys have developed something amazing!!! I know you said you both just admitted your feelings recently, but have you guys thought about what would be the next steps/what would happen when he finds out? Wishing you the best OP you sound so sweet and I’m so glad you found someone special 🥰🥰
NTA. If I am reading this correctly, you’re bisexual. M has no control over what you and his sister do. If your relationship with E moves to a more romantic phase, the question is, what does E think vis-a-vis her brother.. Long-term, if you two click, it’s slightly awkward, but mature adults (M?) can deal with it. If M can’t, that’s his problem. With regard to E, you need to consider if you’re committed to a heterosexual relationship.
Not saying OP shouldn’t go for it, but that’s kind of a callous attitude to have especially if the breakup was rough for the ex. I mean, my counter would be why didn’t OP/sis choose to date one of the other 8 billion people on planet earth over putting the ex in this situation?
>why didn’t OP/sis choose to date one of the other 8 billion people on planet earth over putting the ex in this situation?
Sometimes giving up a genuine connection in order to roll the dice on a bunch of strangers is a tough choice to make. Even more so when the only reason you’re doing it is to protect the feeling of a controlling asshole with no respect for his sister’s autonomy.
>>why didn’t OP/sis choose to date one of the other 8 billion people on planet earth over putting the ex in this situation?
>giving up a genuine connection in order to roll the dice on a bunch of strangers
THANK you. I hate when people trot out that line. “There are 8 billion others!” Cool, you’re telling me people are just interchangeable options. Super romantic.
NTA for developing feelings (E is mildly TA for continuing a friendship with her brother’s ex but a lot more info about their relationship as siblings is needed for proper context).
I think it also depends on how deep and intimate your relationship with M was over those four months. If it wasn’t too serious and you think he could move on and it won’t affect his relationship with his sister, then maybe proceed in friendship with caution…
BUT, I think the biggest question is, do you think E is going to be it for you? If you think she is probably end game and your person and worth fighting for, then it may be a relationship worth fighting for… however, you and E both need to understand that you are risking not only her relationship with her brother but also a lot of potential drama with family and maybe other friends. Some people may see the whole thing as a betrayal and it could permanently damage (or at least alter) relationships..
So you both need to determine whether it’s really worth it. If you’re not sure, then just leave it as a friendship and probably give each other time and space to move on from each other.
It for sure is a betrayal by the sis, so I would think most would see it that way.
. Probably the mistake was continuing to develop a bond with ex’s sis. If I’m reading correctly y’all weren’t particularly close when you and ex broke up, so the real mistake was cultivating the relationship when it would have been no skin off anyone’s back to cut ties. Resenting that you guys did that is a fair position by your ex, but now you’ve gone far enough down the road it seems that you’ll have to continue. Prepare yourselves for backlash.
NTA
From what you are saying you’re not doing anything wrong. You didn’t befriend her with the intention to love her. Your relationship with M went south and he sounds like he is mad controlling for no reason. Idk if I would proceed because M will likely be involved in your life if you do however that is up to the two of you.
NTA for having those feelings… But really?? You wanna be w someone related to to ex? Imagine the awkwardness the future holds for ya’ll 😭