I (33f) dated my partner (31m) for 4 years until March of this year, 2025. I was/am a drug addict (currently clean) and used in front of and with him and did very stupid things, not to mention I have major depressive mood disorder and was in the worst spiral I have ever experienced in my life. Long story short, he was rude and nasty and yelled at me a lot about my illness, and it caused me to shut down even more and lose all self esteem.
We both hurt each other, a lot. We have both since had many talks about how we’re both sorry and have forgiven the others actions.
We share two dogs, and we live 3 hours apart. We’ve been doing custody trade offs, but seeing him all the time makes it hard.
Just recently he got a hotel room for a girl and him in my area to go to a show. He invited me over the first night because he was alone and we just chatted. The second night when we got cancelled on he invited me over again and we ended up having very deep, meaningful conversations, were kissing, telling each other I love you. But his love seems platonic. Mine is most certainly not. Despite the things he’s done I would do anything for him.
He’s currently battling mental illness as well and I’ve been helping him navigate it.
Is there any hope he will reconcile or am I just being used? AITA for holding out hope?
TLDR: ex boyfriend is still saying I love you and sleeping with me and I want to know if he will reconcile or not.
Info:
Was the kissing platonic?
Definitely not.
My opinion: Given all your mutual problems, it’s not a healthy relationship long term. You need to continue your progress to staying clean and find a partner who is outside that environment and doesn’t have “mental illness” issues. He’s a burden you don’t need. I love dogs and they deserve care, but they’re not the same as children. They shouldn’t be something that ties you to this guy. Ditch the guy, either ditch the dogs (ASPCA?) or take sole custody.
If you have to ask Reddit, it’s already over.
Not sure you’re in the right sub though?
Relationship sub sent me here.
You really think so? He says he misses me which is a first in a long time. Our breakup was mutual.
Where is he in his mental health journey & where are you in your recovery & mental health journey? Not the queen of relationships here, but I do wonder if you really want to reconcile or are just lonely. Worth pondering. Also, I get that you both love the dogs, but the custody handoff seems like a trigger to revisit the relationship. Maybe he should keep the dogs for a few months, then you keep them? Or perhaps it could be two dogs for you & one for him. As presented, the situation feels as though it could derail you both. Your respective recoveries are super-important & perhaps where you should each be spending your time & energy, at least for a while. Wishing you the best
INFO: Where is the conflict? This isn’t a relationship advice sub.
ESH Stop thinking defensively, like a victim, “Does he love me? Am I good enough for him? I sure hope so!” and start thinking offensively, like a thriver, “What kind of man do I want? Do I want to be with someone battling mental illness who doesn’t love me back?” Shop for what you want instead of sitting on the shelf like week-old bread hoping someone – anyone! – will pick you.
You’re right. Thanks for that. I just don’t even know how to navigate the dating scene anymore lol. One way to find out.
I know it will be hard but maybe you are feeling a bit of attachment post break up and still seeing him doesn’t help the situation. It seems like you are doing so well in your healing (proud of you ❤️) and finding someone who you can be open about all of this and will love you for who you are now (and who you used to be) will happen and also show you how much love you deserve!!! I know dating post breakup can be scary I’ve been there for sure.
Don’t worry about the dating scene right now. Now is the time to focus on yourself. Learn to be happy with yourself alone and when you are, you won’t want to allow anyone in your life that doesn’t add to that happiness.
This doesn’t sound like a safe space for you right now. Perhaps putting all your energy into healing and focusing on yourself would be better. Let him take care of himself. If you have extra energy and resources to give maybe take the dogs for a long walk and think about where you want to be tomorrow. Today you’re still too vulnerable and susceptible to slipping back into supporting him instead of yourself. Stay strong, stay clean and stay single for a while longer.
In my opinion and experience. If someone really loves you they will show it. I don’t know if he’ll reconcile with you. I would simply ask him to get it out the way because I don’t want to waste my time. I would ask and maybe be honest since from what you said he was nasty to you which is 100% unacceptable and you don’t want him to think he take advantage of you or manipulate you because you’re being vulnerable. I’d be careful a bit and the fact he got a hotel for another girl. You have to be straight up with him whether he likes it or not. Tell him “hey I don’t want to play games I don’t want to waste each other’s time. I simply want to know if you’re thinking of getting back together with me because I kind of want to and build our relationship to be healthier.” Say something like that in your own words. I hope this helps.