Probably should be relevant to include I’ve had no mutually committed heterosexual relationship before but I want to ask in case there is truly something I’m missing from an unbiased perspective. I have been in a mutually committed heterosexual relationship now with someone (31M) for a year and about 3 months now. I’m (28F) ruminating on something they said yesterday during a conversation/argument. I asked what efforts they wanted me to do for the sake of the relationship. They went back to say something they had mentioned to me before: styling my clothes more pleasantly for daily outings that could include their presence. From the times they’ve mentioned it before I’ve come to understand they mean not wearing leggings nor sweatpants equivalents. We live together in a place with cold winters, or at least cold to me as I was born and raised with tropical climates of days with 30 degree Celsius on average. They do not mind my winter pijamas or indoor house clothes as much as clothes that I wear when I go outside with him for coffee and lunch and such. Yesterday when he brought up this idea for “efforts” again I responded saying that was something he could do as well. They work from home every single day and their daily look includes sweatpants and a nice sweater for occasional zoom calls. They have also grown comfortable wearing the same sweatpants they sleep on out on quick grocery runs. I do not actually mind this at all. I simply said that in response because it irks me they don’t see the double standard of their argument on clothes we each wear and why we wear them and how. My man also always has an answer for everything so when I said that he said “well you should help me pick my clothes better also I never know any of that stuff you know that, that’s what couples do you know, compromise”
If I have to “dress myself better” since he’s asking for me to do so, and if I’m asking the same thing in return of him but ALSO have to pick said clothes for him, how is that a compromise since there is more for me to do than him? Am I just stupid and that is in fact a compromise? It’s not even that I’m hoping to have someone be on my side of this matter I just genuinely can’t seem to understand how that is a “compromise” for the both of us instead of an added advantage for him?
NTA. You’re right. That’s not what compromise means.
Sorry to tell you this, your boyfriend is an AH.
He wants you to dress up more, but then you’ve also got to put effort into his wardrobe too? Why???
Never mind why, you don’t. You just don’t.
Double standards are unacceptable. Excuses are pathetic.
Get rid of this loser, your next relationship is waiting for you to begin it
NTA. That’s not a compromise……Like how does he even think that’s what a compromise is? A compromise would be “hey! When we go out for lunch on the weekends, would you mind dressing a little nicer?” “Sure! Would you mind doing the same and on the weekends days when we both work, we can be more relaxed?” “Yes, that sounds great!”
Or whatever. A compromise is when you both talk it out and come to a solution that you are both happy with. You both give and take. He’s just taking and expecting you to give/do all the work. It’s a no from me
You making all the changes is not a compromise, it’s a sacrifice on your part only. Also, he sounds like a knob.
Well, I want you to change but I’ll only change anything if you do all the work for me, because while I am demanding you do it I am incapable of the same for myself. Indeed a knob.
You aren’t misunderstanding the word compromise, because that’s not what’s happening here.
You and your bf are both comfortable wearing sweatpants and such out of the house (which is obv fine). For some undefined reason he wants you to dress less casually outside. You, quite reasonably, ask the same of him and he’s playing ignorant at exactly how to do that. He’s being lazy. This man is 31, how did he dress himself for the first 30 years of his life?
NTA
(But please consider paragraphs in future)
As a guy I see this as trying to control what you wear.
He can’t pick out his own nice clothes because he “doesn’t know any of that stuff”, but he knows enough to tell you to wear nicer clothes?
Claiming compromise would be one thing if he were the type of guy who always looks put together, but in this case I think this guy just has double standards, and is saying whatever comes to mind to justify them.
You don’t sound like you like him very much, consider whether you actually enjoy spending time with him.
To be fair, he doesn’t sound like much of a likeable person.
ESH
Listen, if you ask, what you could do to make this relationship better and he asks you to maybe dress up a bit, then imo that is a reasonable request. Yes, it’s not pleasant to be critizised regarding your outfit but you specifically asked what you could do.
You shot back to “make him see the double standard”. However you also admit that you don’t actually care about the way he dresses…so you just said it to be passive-aggressive? Couldn’t you just say “hey i feel like if you want me to dress up more then you should also do that. What do you think? Let’s make an effort together?”
He sucks because he is shifting responsibility back to you with this stupid “pick out my clothes for me” … he’s a grown man, he shouldn’t put that on you. And no, i also don’t see how that would be a compromise.
NTA. That’s not what compromise means.
This guy is very controlling, trying to police what you wear. He’s also finding a way to blame you for something about him that you are bothered by. The control will spread to other areas of your life, if it has not already.
Time to dump him and take back your self respect.
He’s 31, and he basically wants you to be his Hot Mommy?
No no. Find a man who dresses himself.
NTA, so he wants you to be responsible for dressing BOTH of you better?
That’s not a compromise, that’s a trap.
If he has no idea how clothes work and what the difference is between sloppy and smart then HOW is it that he can magically tell that what you choose to wear in public isn’t good enough?
honestly confused about why he’s trying to control your clothes at age 31.. that’s a red flag not a compromise 🚩.