I work remotely on a small team. My boss is also a childhood friend, but I don’t get special treatment and I’m well-liked at work. A few months ago we hired “Cat".. She was supposed to help take on some of the recurring projects that normally bury me, including a monthly report (“Project X”). So I trained her for months, and we connected really well outside of work. We became definitive friends, and she called me "her person".
The important parts: we became close, and she became well versed on Project X.
One week, leadership gave us new requirements for X and wanted a demo by Friday. After the meeting, my boss pulled us into a post-meeting meeting to recap the plan in a more actionable sense. Afterward, Cat DMed me asking for more clarity. I recapped the steps in another way.. But before she could ask more I got pulled into an urgent meeting for a different project (“Y”) that had to be finished by morning. I told her I couldn’t keep helping with X today and she could either get started or wait for me.
Project Y took me until midnight to finish. So my boss gave me the next day off, after I log in and submit Y.
But when I logged in that morning, another project (“Z”) had blown up. I was the only one who knew how it worked, so I had to handle it immediately. While I was knee-deep in that, Cat messaged again asking for help on Project X.
At this point, I knew I wouldn’t be able to help her that day. We couldn’t afford to lose a whole day of progress either. I told her I had spent the entire night on Y, was now stuck on Z, and just needed her to do what she could today on X, herself. I said I’d jump in tomorrow when I was available, because technically this was supposed to be my day off.
She got upset and said it was unfair for me to “make her do all of Project X by herself” because she didn’t know as much as me. I reminded her she had all the same information I did, and it isn’t like I’ve had time to even think through step 1 yet. She sent a vomit emoji and said I “never help her", which is the opposite of the truth.. I’ve spent months training her and even dedicated an hour most mornings to help her with her stuff.
I told her I didn’t know how to respond, that I needed to get Z done right now, and that I’d ask our boss to reach out and clarify whatever she needs. She replied “Fine” and stopped talking to me entirely.
She then badmouthed me to coworkers for being unhelpful. Meanwhile, it took me the full day to finish Z and I stayed late just to send her data for Project X that I knew we’d need. Boss had given her directions, and he pulled me off X entirely because it was time for her to graduate into doing it herself anyway.
But she’s ignored me for months both at work and outside of work. I told my boss but haven’t said anything to defend myself because I don’t want work drama. Meanwhile I keep replaying it in my head wondering if I actually did something wrong.
AITA? (YTA / NTA / ESH / NAH / INFO)
NTA
NTA if the person can’t do project X then they ain’t Matthew Broderick and they ain’t fit for the job. Boss needs them to shape up. It isn’t your company or your money and you aren’t a charity for lazy overpaid employees either.
ESH, kinda. Everyone could have handled this better.
When Cat asked for help initially, you should have directed her to the boss for assistance and clarity. And when you realised you were swamped with work, you should have said “I can’t help you *at all*” instead of “I can’t help you *today*”.
Cat should not have waited on you to help her instead of making another plan / speaking to the boss. She was getting up to speed with the project and was obviously thrown by the new requirements and the short time line, but she should have made sure she got the help she needed from someone, if not you.
Your boss should have checked in with Cat to make sure that things were on track for a demo to the leadership team.
Cat is the main AH here for badmouthing you, and now for ignoring you. She can ignore outside of work, but ignoring you at work is unprofessional and that needs to stop. She’s making the work environment unpleasant for you and awkward for other people. And if you have to collaborate on anything, she’s hindering that.
You can address this with her and tell her that’s a coworker she needs to be behave in a professional and civil manner, or you can ask your boss to take it up with her.
Edit: there is already drama and by not giving your boss all the info, you’re preventing him from sorting things out.
NTA. But your co-worker definitely is.
NTA for sure. She sounds like an AH though, hopefully she doesn’t escalate things at work.
NTA
NTA. But your co-worker is, and sorry to say you were never her friend but just someone she knew it would be beneficial to be “nice” to. Entirely strategic by her, it happens!
NTA clearly.
Why did you add all of the AITA tags at the end?
Because I don’t reddit much and was trying to make sure I was within guidelines. It said something about a judgment section so I took a guess that it wanted me to list out the options. Worst case, it’s just a reminder. But then I got the judgment message on my inbox and it clicked.
She sounds like a bratty entitled child who never respected you to begin with. Seriously, a vomit emoji? WTAF?
Honestly NTA I have had so many of these type of co-workers who basically want you to do their work and really didn’t pay attention to anything you trained them on! So now she is freaking out and wants you to save her!
She needs to sink or swim! You have done enough for her!
NTA and in the future I’d help her as little as possible — to whatever extent wouldn’t hurt my career. If you haven’t already, document the specific ways you’ve helped her and any way you’ll help her in the future. I know some people will say to stop helping altogether, but it sounds like management expects you to support and you have to protect your career. Don’t connect with her outside of work in any way. Try to keep your interactions via email, via instant message, or with other people around.
I’d consider asking for a bit of time with your boss to get ahead of this. Explain your workload, how you’ve been managing it, and that you got told by shitforbrains coworker that she expressed that she needs more support from you. Explain the level of support you’ve provided so far. Ask if boss can advise you on what they want you to prioritize and what level of support you should be giving at this point. Cover your ass.