I (20f) recently passed my learner’s test on the first try after combating severe driving anxiety for the past few years. I still live at home while studying at uni in my final year, and my parents were very happy for me that I passed. However, this is where the process of finding a car started. I have been looking for cars alone. My parents are insistent on not helping me out because I need to learn the process for myself, but I had no idea where to even begin, so I contacted my best friend who’s really good with cars and got her help.
For context, my parents very nicely agreed years ago to match whatever I save up for my car. I saved 7,500 AUD from working casually while studying, so the car’s budget is 15k AUD.
My father requested for me to find three models of cars that I thought were the best for the price and that I liked. I picked the Suzuki Swift and the Honda Jazz, and I can’t remember the other model. I presented my research to my father with tank size, efficiency, best year models, perks like reverse cameras and their average odometers from the listings I found. He laughed in my face and told me that my research was elementary and to start again.
During this process, I would find listings of cars that fit my research and I’d bookmark them, and I really had my eye on this red 2016 Suzuki Swift. I’ve showed my dad this listing a lot and he’s told me to research the model of the car and to not look at listings at all. This lit a fire under me for whatever reason, because I had already presented my dad with what I’d researched which was in an excel format where I could compare the three of them side by side. It felt a lot like my work was for nothing, and I’d compiled all of it over the course of days, not including me restarting it.
It’s been a few weeks since then and I still have no car. My dad showed me a listing for a Honda Jazz today, which took me by surprise, and I told him I really wanted to buy that listing after looking at it heavily. Again, he told me that I need to research the car more, which I have done more of and told him about my findings verbally. He then told me that verbal wasn’t enough and asked me to make a new spreadsheet. At this point, I could not hide my annoyance and I told him I just wanted a car, and that at this point I didn’t care about specs. I just want something that can get me places, from A to B, so I can be self-sufficient. He told me that’s what will be my downfall, and that if I impulse buy a car, it’s going to have problems. I do agree with him on this, I just cannot hide how annoyed this makes me because it feels like I’ve been waiting for a very long time and been doing this work for nothing, essentially, which I know is not true but it’s really feeling like it.
Please be honest with me. AITA?
Edit: Thank you so much to everyone who gave me advice, I’m really glad I can get some additional perspective on things. I’ve realised my research was too surface level and he expected a different level of it that I wasn’t aware of, but now I am, thanks to you guys! I’m most likely going to pick up more hours to save up for a car that I can buy independently while also still trying to liaise with my father, so thank you all for your perspectives 😀 it really helped
NTA. He has a lot to say for someone that won’t give you any feedback.
Wow, this is BS. NTA. Just find a car you can afford without their help and buy it.
So he laughs at you when you show him his research, you get so frustrated that you don’t care anymore about what car it is ….this sounds like setting you up to fail.
Why don’t you buy a car with your own money and leave their advice to the side. They sound so unsupportive. NTA
You need to get it out of your head that they’ll be paying towards the car. If they were sincere, they would have done it by now. They have no intention at all.
NTA
NTA. He’s not telling you what he expects you to research. It’s probably known problems / maintenance issues for certain models but he’s not helping you if he did tell you what he thinks you need to find out about the cars. You’d still be doing the work, except you’d know what he thinks you need to research.
NTA. He’s putting off giving you the money for the car.
Your NTA but I pretty much guarantee they have no intention of actually helping you pay for the car. Find one you can afford on your own.
NTA. It almost sounds like he is trying to stop you from buying a car! I wonder….. does he actually HAVE the money to match your savings?
NTA. He’s being an asshole and has no intention of paying his half. Just find a car you can afford on your own.
“Entrenched” family dynamics classically would do this method of seemingly “allowing” the adult child to “fly” only to slowly nudge them to a cage. They’re instilling doubt in you and trying to pull you back into dependency.
I would suggest that you find new home to move into, apart from getting tat car. If you can crash for a few month with a friend before you get your own place would be ideal.
You’re NTA. Is your dad just stalling to keep from paying out the money he agreed to for the car? He’s making you jump through a lot of hoops.
I kind of understand your parents wanting you to do this yourself, but his feedback is neither helpful or constructive. He’s actually making the whole process harder than it needs to be, which makes me suspect his motive isn’t pure.
I don’t think they have the funds to pay half and he is stalling
NTA
Aren’t parents supposed to teach these things not gatekeep the information?
Let me tell you how it went for me just to show you how fecking insane your dad is acting. I bought my first car at 19 (mind you, this was in 2006 so things have changed somewhat and there wasn’t that much tech in cars at the time so the search was likely easier and cars likely more reliable).
My parents told me they would both give 1000$ each to help and I had to pay for the rest. I had 10K in savings and my mother, who’s super good at research and was a financial planner at the time helped me go from dealership to dealership and made sure to teach me everything I had to look for, how to negotiate, what to look for when I test drove cars, etc. Her logic was “I have years of experience doing this and I want to teach you what I know and set you up for success so you can find the right car, for the right price range and not get swindled by a dealers guy”. This is how it should be. And this is how my husband and I are going to do it when our kids are ready to buy cars in a few years. I ended up getting a 3 year old car that was a lease return from a dealership which still had 2 years warranty (a small Suzuki). It was 10k so I put down 8k and my parents gave me the 1000 each so I still had some savings. I kept this car for 8 years (until it was starting to fall apart).
Your dad saying “you need to figure it out on your own” is of a weird mentality. Buying a car is such an expensive endeavor, it’s really not the time to let a 20 year old “figure it out” when they have no experience in the matter.
However, I doubt any amount of telling him this would help so I recommend you either wait a little longer to gain more money so you can up your budget or go for something you can afford now. And if you have any other trusted adult in your life who’s experienced in buying cars, I would recommend you ask them to help you instead and completely bypass your parents.
NTA