So we live in the midwest and it is cold (15 out right now). Generally we try to get away in December to someplace warm. A few years ago we got a couple of condos on the beach and all of our children came, we had an amazing time.
Last XMas me, my wife and our teenager went to Aruba and loved it. We had the traditional X-mas get together when we got back with our three adult children and their SOs and proposed to them that next year we skip the gift exchange and instead all go on vacation to Aruba. They all agreed so we rented a giant villa on the beach and agreed to cover all expenses save for flights.
In summer the oldest bowed out for "fiscal" reasons. I offered to help with flights, no reply. Then another adult child had to do the same as she couldn’t get the time off from work. Our third adult child and her spouse also couldn’t get the time off, both found new jobs as they took this as a sign their employers didn’t care about them and are coming. So there will only be five of us in the giant villa on the beach in Aruba :shrug:
Yesterday my oldest (the original to bow out) sent a group text about sharing "wishlishts" for X-mas. I replied that we had spent a great deal of time, $, and effort on the Aruba trip and that was both our gift to everyone and all we wanted, so we won’t be participating in the gift exchange this year, though they are welcome to get gifts for the youngest who is still a teenager if they want.
AITA for offering to take my family to an almost all expense paid trip to a tropical paradise for X-mas, them all agreeing, then half of them backing out, then skipping the gift exchange?
NTA. Have fun in Aruba!
FUDGE NO!!!! If your family needs some company, my SO & I are pretty fun lmaoooo. On a serious note this is such a beautiful and generous gesture, there’s no world in which you and your wife are anything but sweethearts
I’m struggling a bit with this one, but it seems like an ESH situation. You have an established tradition of a holiday family vacation, but economically, it can’t be continued by your children. I also get why you’re upset they still expect you to pony up a gift.
I don’t see any harm in sending them a small gift, so they can still feel connected to you. Maybe, also consider having a family get together off season, when it’s more affordable.
OP doesn’t suck for asking their adult children if they’d like to attend before booking anything and not participating in something extra when they dropped out after initially agreeing. Not really his fault they cancelled.
I think your response to the group text was probably more pointed and begrudging than it needed to be. It sounds like the family is now somewhat in two camps – those going to Aruba and those who are not. Those who are not are probably looking to plan a more traditional holiday gathering, which would presumably happen without those going to Aruba.
You could have just left it at something like “We are doing the trip to Aruba in lieu of the gift exchange this year, so we won’t be participating but we hope you enjoy!” or something like that… point being, you are sitting out the gift thing for good reason, but they aren’t really AHs for planning their own holiday celebration since they aren’t going away. I’m torn between E S H and N A H – the only ‘conflict’ I really see is around the text exchange, I think the group text was probably misplaced since it included people who aren’t participating (given the Aruba trip) and your response was unnecessarily prickly.
I truly feel like 5/6 people that have commented so far just can not read.
1. You’re not saying none of your children can exchange gifts. You’re explaining that you and your wife will not participate, but if your teenager wants to join, they’re welcome to.
2. As you literally stated, everyone agreed to Aruba *last* christmas and slowly dropped out one by one after the reservations had been made. It’s not on you that not everyone can go and it’s not necessarily on them that they can’t go.
Unless you’re fudging the truth or hiding something NTA.
NTA
My parents have done similar things for us, our spouses and children over the years. They still do a “token” gift for the grandkids to open Christmas morning ($20 max) but that’s it. Extremely reasonable given the expense of the trip.
NTA – you already made a massive prearranged financial commitment that all the kids were aware of. just because the kids cancelled last minute doesn’t mean theyre entitled to additional spending from you and your wife.
Not trying to villainize the kids, they of course can still exchange presents.
NTA. Of course not.
And see if there are others that want to come instead.
NTA. OP is paying for a tropical vacation for the whole family as a gift, excluding airfare. Family had almost an entire year to make arrangements, put in for time off early, save money for airfare. Just because some family members are backing out almost last minute, doesn’t entitle them to another gift of their choosing. OP doesn’t want any gifts either, except to have their family together for their tropical holiday. Everything is booked and paid for. They can’t cancel without paying fees and loosing money. If the siblings want, they can get a gift for the youngest teenager sibling. The ones who backed out are not entitled to a backup gift. Idk about these people, but aren’t they a little old to be having gift demands from their parents or other adult siblings? There’s 4 siblings in my family. We stopped exchanging gifts a few years ago. We get together as a family on the holidays and we all help cook. Our parents being around another year is gift enough for us. And we spoil them throughout the year. The little kids still get something or we each will contribute to their ” big” gift. But that’s it. The holidays aren’t about getting gifts, unless you’re a kid.
It sounded like you were very amicable about the whole thing. I didn’t read any sort of disdain in this post whatsoever. NTA
NTA – you wouldn’t have spent money on such a large place if they hadn’t all said they were coming. They agreed to the original arrangement, and then changed the arrangement. Don’t feel bad about it.
NTA
I suggest making it clear that you don’t want a gift at all from them just to button it up.
As an olive branch, you could bring back some souvenirs for the ones that couldn’t make it.