For context I have a 4 month old baby and my husband and I have not yet let my brother hold him. My brother has a few intellectual disabilities and is still learning how to be gentle and developing awareness of his actions. For example the first time he met my baby he was trying to poke his face and put a blanket over his face. He has also nearly stepped on him and nearly fallen on him. I let my brother cuddle him and have just explained only adults hold the baby. My mother thinks I am being ridiculous and that it is unfair that my brother can’t hold him. I’ve explained it is a joint decision that my husband and I both need to be comfortable that my brother is capable of safely holding the baby. My mum has argued with me or brought this up every time we spend time together and has joked that she will ‘accidentally’ put the baby on my brother’s lap which to me showed she isn’t respecting our boundaries and I’m honestly questioning whether to trust her to do things like babysit. To me, I am now a bit more comfortable letting my brother hold my baby on his lap with strong supervision but my husband wants to wait and see how my brother with bubs is next time we see him. To me, that is fair enough and I wouldn’t want to pressure him into changing his mind when he is just trying to look out for the safety of our child.
I guess I just want an outsiders perspective as I’m getting overwhelmed with the pressure from my mum. I want to know whether my husband and I are being overprotective or whether my mum is disrespecting our boundaries.
NTA
Holy shit your mother as a grown ass woman needs to grow tf up
Why tf are her feelings about your young brother more important than your child’s LITERAL SAFETY
Even without such disabilities, at the age of TWELVE my family was cautious about letting me hold my cousins who were newborn babies back then
NTA. Baby’s safety is the highest priority and both parents need to be in agreement. And don’t leave your baby with your mother if you think she won’t respect rules.
NTA maybe I’m over cautious but I wouldn’t even let a non-disabled 8 year old child hold my baby, wtf .
ETA also, please don’t do it, even with supervision. Something can go wrong in an instant. Don’t give yourself a lifetime of regrets.
I’m going with NTA
I’m saying this as someone with a physical disability.
Your brother hasn’t shown he can be careful and your mom needs to realize she can’t just put a baby in a lap of a child who doesnt understand that he needs to be careful.
You are Not Tthe Asshole honey. You did the thing that any mother would do. It’s not overprotective, it’s just doing the right thing. You don’t know what might happen.
Oh my gosh, I’d be so fed up with her side comments! I hope others in your family have stood up for you. I’m sure if they were in your shoes, they’d feel the same way. Obviously you love your brother! No one is counter arguing that, but your mom needs to stop taking it so personally. As long as you took the time to explain WHY to your brother (and he understands), your mom should not keep bringing it up in hopes to change your mind. You are not the asshole, and I’m sorry your own mother is adding to your plate as a new mom. You’d think she could see things from your POV!
NTA – your mother’s behavior is why I didn’t leave my kid with my mom for a… long long time. My sister made that mistake, and her young son had a tooth knocked out long before it would have come out on its own.
My baby is 4 months old (yay!). Its your baby your rules. If you don’t feel comfortable with anyone holding your baby because its sunday afternoon. Thats the rule.
NTA.
Your brother isn’t quite ready, and that’s okay–He’ll get there in his time!
But I absolutely wouldn’t trust your mother alone with the baby until it is safe for your brother to hold/interact with the baby solo–Not just heavy adult supervision. It does not sound like your mom will respect your boundaries in any way, shape, or form.
NTA. Whether your brother is capable of holding your baby safely is something ultimately we, random strangers, can’t discern since we don’t know the kiddo or what specific barriers there are to him understanding how to be gentle. However!! This is your baby. You are absolutely allowed to be picky with who you let hold your baby. If you and/or your husband just don’t feel comfortable with letting your brother hold the baby yet then that’s fine. Though I’d recommend looking to someone other than your mother for babysitting. You’re right that her dismissal of your concerns and claim that one of these days she’ll just let your brother hold the baby while you’re not around are a red flag. This is your baby, not hers, she doesn’t get to decide when it’s time to do xyz thing. If she can’t respect that and abide by your requests then she shouldn’t be given prime opportunities to go against them behind your back.
On a more personal level, I agree with your husband though that you should wait and see. Honestly holding a baby while standing up rather than holding the baby on your lap or cuddling with them, for the older child or adult, isn’t remarkably different so it’s not like you’re depriving him of anything. He’s still getting to interact with and touch the baby.
NTA I was a perfectly well physically developed ahead mentally 7 year old when my brother was born. I had to sit down and he was very carefully placed in my arms for photos of the siblings and then adults held him. I was not allowed to move during those pictures because we didn’t want me to accidentally hurt my newborn brother. Babies are incredibly fragile. Your mother shouldn’t be thinking about letting any 8 year old hold your baby
NTA and seriously do not let your mother babysit, she does not care about your child’s safety.
I’d say no not yet until you are 100% comfortable.
If your mum puts the baby in his lap then he stands up thats a hurt baby at that point.
NTA. Your brother isn’t being safe with your baby. Explaining things while still holding your baby is one thing (i.e., explaining how to best play with him as he grows), but he’s not showing he can be careful with a baby at the moment. This is your baby and right now, you and your husband are advocating for him until he’s able to advocate for himself.