Am I the asshole for wanting to run away? I (28m) met my wife (28f) in college in 2016 immediately hit it off at the end of the year I fell out with my mom had nowhere to go told her to go back home with her mom and dad she didn’t listen and stayed with me we were living harshly no jobs for the most part not good ones anyway no cars barely a place to stay we were crashing at my friends house that his dad owned and didn’t know we were there. Sleeping on a mattress on the floor until another roommate we had moved out and we took his room. During this time I start to notice how pushy she is how she doesn’t respect my word or who I am or my boundaries. One day she wants to have a baby I tell her no our situation isn’t healthy for a child I tell her for days or weeks she doesn’t listen tell me “either you give me a baby now or I will leave and have one with someone else” I broke in fear she would do it. Fast forward to now we got married moved into an apartment but are relationship isn’t better we have bad fights just like before they were so bad some of my old friends that we lived with gave me an intervention about how she treats me. I do everything even when I’m the one with the job I clean and help with the kids and cook for them even her too when she asks. Meanwhile I can barely get her to do anything around the house cleaning is very few and far between cooking is almost non existent she won’t even show me intimacy. One day she tells me she doesn’t want to be married anymore says it because I have met a certain criteria for her in years. Which is ironic because a few days later we have a fight over her not washing dishes that causes her to move out but still I listen to all her and her mom’s criticisms. Almost a year goes by of back and forth over the phone and roller coaster behavior from her until one day we finally sit and talk about her wanting the divorce. She claims it’s not because of me that’s it’s her, she wants the opportunity to live on her own and be her own person. My issue is I was the one that told her we should wait to do any of this now she’s ripping out my heart. The only thing I want is to run away and never look back for any reason. Am I the asshole for feeling like this?
Definitely NTA for *feeling* that way but YWBTA if you actually just dipped out on your kids.
Right I’d never do that in actuality (obviously) I’m just trying to see if my feeling of NTA were valid
A friend of mine had a line he used in situations like OPs. Dig a hole, fill it with shit. Jump in then wonder why you stink.
I mean, you can run away. But be there for your kids. Act like she doesn’t exist
NTA she sounds like an abusive and toxic person from the beginning. Take your kids, they need and deserve a stable parent. Get a lawyer for the custody and to protect yourself too. You also deserve a stable and supportive partner!!!
NTA; I don’t know what I could tell you that would help, except that you’re not wrong for feeling this way. You’ve spent too long trying to get along with someone who just fancies being a problem child. However, you also know that you can’t just run away because that would just give her what she wants – an easy out. Communicate with her just as much as you need to and get this over with. Make sure you’re making preparations to be with your kids and fight for them. It’s very important that you fight to be with them. When my parents had a divorce (though theirs was due to my dad’s affinity for the drink), he never asked, not even once, to have visitation. This was 12 years ago, and to this day, I have never seen him again, and that kind of thing affects children heavily.
Thank you
You and your kids will be better off without her. Look what example you’re seeing for your kids.
Run duh duh duh duh duh dhu duh …. This is never going to get better. It will be an endless cycle of arguments, upset, anxiety and worry. Briefly, because I could write a book about it. I stayed with a horrifyingly bitter argumentative angry woman for the sake of my children (she was also hot, greatest tits ever) but then I just had to leave. She made my life a misery, to the point I’d have chest pain and need meds to sleep, and continued to do so even afterwards using the kids as the leverage until I eventually moved on, met a polar opposite of her, got married and kept her distant for the sake of my relationship. She escalated (even tried to, online… attack my wife) and made it impossible even to have the children for a weekend and I eventually stopped seeing them. I tried the “system” child services and whatnot to get a better custody plan with them but it turns out the father gets fuck all help (all they want is him to pay) and they don’t actually help to get more time with the children unless you go private solicitor and that’s an expensive tricky one. Then she had me arrested with charges of historic rape and I had to wait a year for it to be dropped (we all knew it was bullshit but the police where proper assholes, I hate them and don’t trust them now and Me Too can go swivel). That’s the last I’ll ever hear from her I won’t have that anger in my life or my wife’s life, not seeing the children and knowing that she’s lying to them everyday about me hurts in many ways, but I can live a life and sleep without pills to knock me out.
If you have children then YTA if you “run away”, honestly “running away” would be very childish and sounds like something a teenager would do. You have kids to take care of because YOU made the decision to bring them into the world with this woman. Go through the divorce and do everything you can for those kids because this will affect them more than it will affect you.
This really doesn’t seem like a good place to get real help for your situation. You need to talk to someone in real life. Please try therapy, and, since children might be involved, talk to someone in social or legal services about getting help.
Everyone sucks here.
NTA but I will say having a solid foundation for any type of relationship, especially involving marriage or children is extremely important. that includes living together how that’s financially supported and how you support each other
NTA You can move far enough away to distance yourself from her and close
enough to be there for your kids. Sometimes a few towns away can give you the distance that you do not need to deal with her daily. Fight for your children during the custody hearing and only communicate with her using a custody app. It will ensure that you will always have written trail of communication with her for the courts.
You cannot run away because of your children but, you can distance yourself from her. Make wise choices and look out for the best interests of yourself and your children. Once you are away from her toxicity, you will see how much better your life will be.
Run away with the kids then no, NTA.. leave them in the environment you are running from, very much TA.