AITAH for Ending a Bad Friendship (Neither of us Were Good to Each Other)?

Idk how to know if the story is triggering or not, but possible triggers could be SH and SI. Read with caution and be mindful of everyone’s experience in this story 😀

This story started about a year ago when I, then 13f, met A, also then 13f, when we both auditioned for out middle school play. We were both on the quieter side, but ended up getting along when we started talking. We shared a lot of interests (one of which will come up later), and I thought it was a good relationship. The trouble started that Thanksgiving (November 28th). I was at my Grandma’s home for lunch to celebrate the holiday, and I was sending out thankful texts to my friends when I saw a message from the previous night from A:

>Today’s my lonely birthday

Reading this, I felt very sorry, so I wished her a happy 14th birthday, and decided to bring candy to bring in to school on Monday. This event led me to be more concerned about how her general home life was. Before the rest of the story is told, the appropriate adults have been contacted on the situation.

As I started to dig deeper, more worrying facts showed. She sometimes didn’t eat lunch, not for any particular reason either. She wasn’t picky about the food, as she would sometimes eat the meals she would other times ignore, but was simply refusing to consume it, or even to enter the lunch line. Our school has a system with ‘tickets’ you can earn for being a model student that you can use for a shorter line, so I would often give one to A to rid that excuse. Of course, I don’t want to force a friend to do something they’re uncomfortable with, but eating is a requirement to live, so I felt that it was probably fine to make it so that eating was the only logical action for her.

On the same topic as food, she once shared a story to me; I learned that she was responsible for more of the cooking at her house (as am I, but that’s also not the best anyway), and when she once didn’t make food for her and her younger sister, she was scolded for not cooking by her father. When she went to grab snacks instead of preparing a full meal, she reported her dad as saying "When did I say *you* could eat?" OBVIOUS RED FLAGS HERE!!!

I’m bad at transitioning so random topic change!

When our other three friends, B (14m), C (14m), and D (14 NB) went outside, since doing so was optional at our school, A asked shyly if it was okay for her to sing. I was perfectly fine with it. I love to sing, and I genuinely love her voice. This led to us discussing the idea of singing a song together for our school’s talent show at the end of the year, which I was excited for. However, this comes back later.

To continue with music, around the start of our second semester, I noticed her talking more about how she just really likes music with cursing. I’m all for expressing how you want to, cursing is really just words, but to be seeking it out in songs is a choice that many don’t often make. My mom said that it was probably out of anger towards the world and wanting an excuse to curse (as you can tell, my mom is my main advisor, but I also talked to my therapist).

Before I get to the bulk of the story, one of the last concerning signs I saw was that to get someone’s attention, she would punch their shoulder. Not in an especially friendly way, but genuinely painfully. She wouldn’t call their name, wouldn’t tap them, she went right to punching.

One of our common interests was the anime/manga Death Note. She came to me excitedly one morning and informed me of songs she had found from Death Note the Musical. She was elated, but didn’t like that it ended in a way untrue to the original plot, so she thrust herself into the project of making a second part. She made a Google Doc and shared it with me. I claimed I would look it over. Over the next couple months, A shared her lyric ideas, and I did my best to be supportive. I showed interest, and read over her songs. I liked how she was creating something that she was so happy about. It’d been a while since I’d seen her so positive. But good things have to end.

For Valentines day, D (14 NB) made everyone in the group bracelets. I was happy to have one, but A had different ideas. At lunch that day, wearing the rubber band art on her wrist, she said, as if thinking aloud, "what if I started hurting myself?" She then started to extend the rubber away from her skin and let it slam back. D used to SH, and the supplement more harmful methods, they would sometimes do something like this with a normal rubber band. Because of this past experience, I was instantly worried. This is not normal for someone to want to do, it goes against natural human preservation.

I told my therapist, E, at our session soon after this that I was worried that A was suicidal. E gave me a guide on how to ask if someone is suicidal. Firstly, just ask the question, but follow up with inquiring if they have a plan. This can change a lot for a situation, for a person having a plan makes it much more dire, and needs to be much more carefully handled. After the first two steps, tell an adult that is more qualified to handle a situation. As a teenager, I should not have been responsible.

At lunch, A moved to a different table after eating, as she sometimes did. I often got caught up in conversation with B C and D and ended up unintentionally neglecting her, which obviously was not okay of me. As I chatted away, A threw a paper at my head. I don’t remember exactly what it said, but it was similar to "I’m alone again, but it’s okay, I’m used to it." I excused myself from the main table and sat with her. I knew that this was my best time to ask about SI, but I was terrified to talk. So I wrote on the back of the paper she’d thrown at me, "I need to talk to you about something serious." She took a glance and let me continue writing. "Are you suicidal, and do you have a plan?"

Just like a dramatic movie, the bell went off signifying the end of lunch, and I had to wait a class period for her response. And hour later, when we passed each other in the halls, she handed me a paper, which I checked in my next class. "I am suicidal, but I don’t have a plan. Now I’m the worst for making you worry, you shouldn’t even care." Is the gist of what I understood. I grabbed a paper from my binder and started writing a very long response. I explained that I, her teachers, the school counselors were there for her when she needed to talk. I also left crisis lines in case she wanted to call them. Luckily, my teachers like me, and I knew what class A was in, so, even though I was supposed to be taking a test, my teacher (shoutout Mrs. Mazur) wrote me a pass to deliver the note. I was apparently very discreet, since B, who was also in A’s class, didn’t remember me even entering when I later asked.

With this complicated note passing, I also started writing an email to her teachers and the counselor. I explained most of what’s above , knowing that if it was of severe worry, they were mandatory reporters. I had to finish it in my literature class the next morning, and the teacher (shoutout Ms. Woodard) said she was proud of what I was doing. Two or three teachers responded, saying they made sure the counselor saw the email, but the PE teacher (extra giant shoutout to Ms. Custer) took note of the story A told me when she was denied food at home and left food in A’s locker. I was called down to the counselor’s office later that day to give a bit more information, and the counselor, as far as I know, met with A soon after. I felt proud of myself; I’d done something good.

A few weeks later, I got an email from A. It was titled "You’re Useless." and thankfully I have pictures of this exchange on my phone! (She didn’t use the best grammar, so for my OCD I’ll type it out correctly here).

>You stopped helping with the musical, so if you can’t help make it, you’re useless apparently. Also, you’re not practicing the talent show song.

I replied:

>A,
It isn’t fair of me to not come clean, so I will. I’m personally not interested in doing Death Note the Musical. It isn’t something that’s entertaining to me, and if we want to publish it officially, there would be a lot of complications, especially since you’re just rewriting already existing songs that could be protected by copyright law. We’d have to make original songs, and frankly, it feels like a lot of effort for me. I agreed to work on it because I wanted to give you something to commit to. To prevent you from committing… something else. I care about you, and I always feel bad when I neglect talking to you at lunch. Sometimes I’m having fun conversations with (B) and (C), and I feel guilty when you move away.

About the talent show song, I’m certainly interested. I just work better practicing in my own time. I’ve listened through a few times, and I promise I’ll be ready in time. I’ll choose not to take your insult to heart. Because I care about you, and I refuse to see you in a negative light.

I’m sorry,
\-(My name)

I did take the insult to heart. I cried. And I made the decision after sending the email that I was actually hurt, and I didn’t want to be around someone who was making me feel like I was trash.

To make it worse, she had also texted me after the email.

>Liar

I hate when people lie, so don’t

I responded,

>A, I’m trying to give you grace, but if you’re so upset at me, there has to be a better way to handle it. I want to be a friend for you, but when you say things like that, it hurts. I’m just scared you’re purposely pushing me away.

With all this documented, I’d like to add, looking back, I could have handled this a lot better. In my email, I focused a lot on what I was feeling rather than maybe just getting over it and working with A on that project. It would obviously just be something that would die out when we went to different high schools, and I was overthinking with ideas about copyright. I think I only worried because I cared though. I mean, if she gets to excited about something, I don’t want it to fail after all her work. But I should have put more effort into it.

I sent pictures of the conversation to B (for receipts and to explain the situation) and added that I would sit somewhere else at lunch. A only really had me B and C (D left the group when they broke up with B) but I had a lot of other friends I could find company with. A needed B and C more than I needed them, so I could give that up for her until she established something better.

I didn’t talk to A the next day (thankfully we didn’t have classes together that semester) but I got called into the counselor’s office in my third class period. She explained that A wanted to have a mediated conversation and be friends again. I agreed to it. I knew I’d definitely made mistakes, but I also felt that I was the *only* one who had made mistakes. I only blamed myself.

Before our talk, I checked my phone and saw more texts from A:

>Friends don’t make me cry, but you do

We had a discussion, and it was eye-opening. A disclosed that even her mom and sister had been more distanced from her lately, so she was relying on me more for companionship. It made a lot more sense to me why she was so angry in her email and text. I said I would be her friend again, and that lasted for a whole month.

I put a bit more conscious effort into involving her in lunch conversation, which sometimes worked, but sometimes didn’t. I still didn’t really improve on helping with the Musical or the talent show song though, which was the main thing that needed to be addressed. I think that the whole situation was stressing me out too much. I have anxiety, and I’ve been in therapy since I was 5. Whenever I was around A, I could only think of the stressful experiences she’d caused me. I don’t blame any of this on her, but seeing her made me anxious nonetheless. A couple weeks after the mediated talk, I got the email that would be my last straw. It was titled "I Hate You". I don’t remember all of what was said, but it was unkind towards me, and I knew that enough was enough and I needed to respect myself as a person.

In my response, which I sadly don’t have documented, I somewhat-bluntly said that we shouldn’t be friends anymore if she hates me. I vividly remember saying "I’m freaking done." And that might seem like a normal sentence on its own. But I don’t use words like "freaking" in my normal speech, because I was raised in a household where saying "shut up" and "stupid" wasn’t evened allowed (though my parents constantly curse XD). I made this choice in my wording because I wanted to emphasize my hurt. I probably shouldn’t have used it at all though; I think this called for a more civil manner of speaking.

A week later, I had a presentation that classes would be going through (I’m in GT, and all the kids in the program had the opportunity to present their ALP in a sort of gallery walk) and A’s class happened to walk through. I felt better not being alone, as B was also presenting right next to me. A checked out my board, and I talked about my project as I did to everyone else. She passed me a note asking how I was doing and if we could be friends again. I smiled at her, but never replied as she walked away. Even though we weren’t talking, I messaged the person who would be her high school counselor to make sure she had a safe person there to talk to.

I wanted to sit away from B and C again so that A would have them as friends, but C especially insisted that I still sit in my normal spot. Me, being a people pleaser, did. The last time I’d sat away, A also sat somewhere else anyway. This was the new system for the next couple weeks of school. For the last 2 or 3 days, however, we had a bit of a peace. Since we had many mutual friends, and the end of the year, especially in 8th grade, was about saying goodbyes and making memories, I took a couple group pictures with her. I still did a song for the talent show, and I got a lot of compliments though. But I knew that if A and I had done a duet, she would have gotten the praise that she deserved.

This was where I felt the story was over. And for the most part, it was, apart from one small loose end. Birthdays happen once a year. All through the summer, I got in my head wondering if I should text A for her birthday. I didn’t want to let her back into my life– I wasn’t a good friend to her, and she wasn’t a good friend to me– but I wanted her to know that someone cared about her. On the 28th (since I misremembered her birthday as being on that day instead of the 27th) I texted B and C in our group chat and asked in they still talked to A. After 30 minutes, C responded, saying that one of our less close friends, F, had her number if that was what I needed.

I said I didn’t need her number, but that today was her birthday, and that if one of them still talked to her, it would seem natural if they wished her a happy birthday instead of me. C said that he would text her, though he didn’t communicate regularly with A anymore. I felt glad that I at least reestablished a friendship between A and C.

Later, C texted that he was on the phone with A and that she wanted to be friends again. I explained that I didn’t want to be friends again because our friendship wasn’t beneficial for either of us, and she hurt me. He said he would convey the message. But, A has asked for forgiveness so many times that I feel terrible. I don’t want to give away my peace of mind again, but is it better for me to enforce my boundaries? AITAH?