My fiancé and I have been together since college and always joked that our dream wedding would be a Vegas elopement. When we got engaged 7 months ago, we told everyone from the start that we didn’t see a big wedding in our future and wanted to do a courthouse ceremony. That was genuinely the plan.
Originally we planned to get married at the courthouse next September and then have a small dinner with just our immediate families. That small dinner slowly turned into a 70-person dinner. We insisted on no dancing, no big reception, no ceremony, just dinner at a restaurant. Everyone liked the idea.
Then this September came and we just said “fuck it, let’s elope next week,” so we did… like two weeks before it was so fun trying to plan and do it all! We still kept the dinner for next year, sent out invites to all 70 people, and on our wedding website said we’d be having a private ceremony beforehand. Our idea was to surprise everyone at the dinner on our one-year anniversary and reveal that we were already married. (We plan to tell our parents and siblings a month before the dinner in private)
Here’s the problem:
I hate lying, even little lies about dresses or “wedding plans” when we’re already married. My mom still wants to go forward with things like a bridal shower, which feels weird because I’m already married. The invites just went out and people have already bought things off our registry, and now I feel guilty again.
Will people feel duped? Is it wrong to still move forward with the dinner? My best friend (our witness) thinks no one will care since it’s just a dinner and not a full wedding. But maybe it’s the Greek side of me worrying that my older, traditional Greek relatives are going to be mad.
Am I the asshole or am I just overthinking and need to let the fun happen?
I’m a big believer of the courthouse wedding and a fun party after. But you had a wedding registry? So you didn’t want a big wedding but absolutely wanted gifts. People have purchased gifts with the idea you were recently married, but you’re going to wait a year?
YWBTAH and doing it this way seems like a gift grab. Just tell people.
I would tell your family and friends that you’re already married and that the celebration your planning will actually be your 1-year anniversary. If you tell them now, just let them know you wanted a quieter moment just between the two of you. Some people may be upset, but you can’t please everyone.
I think the sooner you tell people, the less back-lash you’ll get. People will have more time to mentally adjust and the longer the information is withheld, the more some people may be upset, especially as it could be construed as more lying.
Also, if you keep it as a surprise that people find out about at your anniversary event, the big reveal might become a big distraction with people being preoccupied talking about the secrecy etc instead of just being in the moment and celebrating with you.
Last paragraph is a great point.
I’m not sure I understand the point of keeping your marriage a secret. It’s fine that you decided to elope, but why hide it for a year. If I were a relative and planning to help you celebrate your wedding, I think I might not be happy that I missed the actual event by a year. If I weren’t close with you, I might not care. But parents and siblings? Close cousins and friends?
What’s the point of doing that?
I’m not saying don’t have the dinner, but let people know that it’s actually your first anniversary and not your wedding.
It you wait a year and then spring it, it will come across as looking like you’re doing it for the gifts. If these are your family and friends by honest.
YTA for still going through all the other motions without actually having a wedding. You are in fact already married. Still having a bridal shower and all sounds like a major gift grab.
I don’t see the point of hiding and a surprise. Yes, it will hurt feelings. If it will stress you out, where’s the fun? Elopement’s are supposed to take the stress out and you guys are making it more complicated still.
You feel guilty because you know it’s wrong. Any showers or pre wedding activities are blatant lies and inexcusable. You don’t have to tell people that you’re already married yet, although it’s super weird that you are doing so, but you should get out of any other events.
Peoples feelings WILL get hurt, because that’s what happens when you lie to them, but you know that, and you just need to prepare for that.
You can still do your dinner and announcement and NBTAH but it’s a fine line.
Yeah you know this is wrong.
Reddit has shown me that the meaning of eloping has changed. Sure you’re still secretly marrying but the only secret is the date and what is it even a secret for? this is so weird to me
Don’t lie if you’re gonna have a bridal shower.
I don’t understand the secrecy. I’d shout it from the rooftops. That’s the only part that makes YTA, not the eloping part. The continued secrecy is odd to me. People don’t like being lied to.
I don’t know about other people but if I went to what I thought was the wedding dinner of a couple and found out it was actually their 1 year anniversary I would walk to the table, pick up my gift and leave. No one in my life gets to lie to me for a full year for no good reason and still remain in it.
My view, if we aren’t close enough for you to tell me you got married within a years time period then we aren’t close enough to call each other friends.