A quick backstory to a story that I need moral opinions on because I feel like I am being gaslit.
I have a cousin who is my very best friend, dear to my heart, the closest person I had that was living.
She got into a relationship when she had a 1-and-a half year old son (the father of baby 1 is not the man in this story). They instantly fell in love and it was mutual. Unbeknownst to her family, and I, she moved in with this man a month after she started officially dating him. A month after move in day, she was married. Again, while no one knew. She finally introduced him to the family and so on. During this time, she messaged me about an incident where he was heavily intoxicated and driving her car where they got a ticket. After they got home, an argument broke out and he ended up pushing her so hard she fell back and hit her head. Not hard, but she did hit her head. She texts me these transpiring moments in a message that opens “I’m 5 weeks pregnant.” She got married, moved in with a man and got pregnant and I thought I was her favorite person in the world so I was hurt, all while loving her and actively trying to support her. Fast forward a few weeks, I get over it because it is ultimately her life. Then I got a text message, “He hit Baby A” I get her and the baby, we file a police report. CPS is called, the baby is taken away from his mom for almost a whole year. She delivers baby 2, with almost no contact with Baby 2’s dad. She starts unsupervised visits on her own when Baby 2 is a couple weeks old. They rekindle their relationship. She hides the rekindling of the relationship from me for a while until I get woken up at 11:30pm at night to a frantic message from a friend of hers saying she’s in trouble. I locate her through DoorDash, and go travel an hour to go get her. She comes to my house, we go to sleep because it was late and the kids were so tired (Baby 1 is 2 and a half now, baby 2 is just a couple months old). The next morning I ask how long everything been a going on, a lie spewed out of her mouth. I confront her with the truth and tried not control the situation. After I realized I couldn’t, I told her that I love her but I can’t support your decision because at this point, she is actively with Baby 2’s dad. Now she has family members coming to me, trying to convince me on why the whole matter is okay, all while lying and holding no accountability for her own actions. She also just texted me a baby announcement for baby 3. Am I the asshole for wanting to separate myself from a situation that does not want help, and no one seems to remember the past or cares about Baby 1, or abusers as a whole? Genuinely, please give me opinions because I feel like I’m going crazy.
NTA. As you said, you cannot help someone who isn’t ready to receive it. If you are personally too upset by her past actions and the harm caused to the children to stay close to the friend until she sees the situation for what it is and wants to leave for good, then you need to cut ties and protect your emotional health.
You cannot fix people. At best you can guide someone that actually wants help. Someone that is actively living in destructive patterns is beyond your help. I would let her know you’ll be there if she needs help leaving, but you cannot tie yourself to her, she’ll drag you down. If she does come around, just show her love, don’t give her any I told you so’s.
NTA
She is putting her children in danger. You need to call CPS anonymously to inform them, bc there is typically a permanent ban on an abuser being around the abused child!
You are the only one thinking of the children!!! It’s not just OK to be “the bad guy” in this situation… you HAVE TO BE for the children.
She is no longer the same person you knew. This is who she is now. Like all people, she’s changed over time. You can morn who she was without accepting who she is now. You can not help someone who doesn’t think they need it. She is a danger to her children at this point and NOT A GOOD PERSON, let alone a half way decent mother 😠 Her selfishness is profound and disgusting.
To hell with what family thinks. They’re WRONG! They are happy to let a child abuser around the kid he abused… their opinions aren’t just irrelevant… they are DANGEROUS and care more about “keeping the peace.”, than protecting children.
You need to step away from her and the kids and your family. You will be able to have more clarity on this with distance and some quiet.
NTA. She’s a mess. She needs help. Those poor kids need more help.
You cant save someone who doesnt want to be saved. Unless she genuinely wants out, there is nothing you can do. I would distance yourself and back off the situation. Something may or may not happen but you have no culpability if your cousin doesnt want help.
NTA It sucks and it’s very sad, but at this point there’s not much you can do. Props for trying.
Not at all. And most likely loser dad went into the shadows for mom to go through the courts and programs to get babies back and then he can resurface without putting in the work. Happens all the time.
I fell out of my chair at baby no. 3 😭😭 a whole circus show. Her babies need to be taken away from her, I’m sorry. This is blatant stupidity and low self-esteem, which I almost feel sorry for until I remember the child endangerment. The man hit a baby -HER BABY- and she went back???? NTA
She chose a man over her baby’s safety. NTA but I wouldn’t block her on everything so she has an escape if needed