I (35M) have three siblings: 38F, 30F, and 28M. Growing up, our parents were pretty fair with all of us. But over the last few years, as grandkids have come along, things have shifted noticeably. It’s also worth mentioning that my parents have recently retired and are more comfortable financially than they ever were when we were younger. They have significantly more assets and cash now.
My brother (28M) has one kids, my sister (30F) also has two and I have two. My oldest sister (38F) is childfree by choice. Our parents have always accepted this or so we thought. Mum was upset about the decision in the past, but she stopped pushing after I told her off about it a few years ago. She hasn’t brought it up since.
Since the grandkids arrived, our mum especially has become very focused on them. She babysits constantly, buys gifts, and helps out financially "for the kids" – honestly more than we ever got as children ourselves. The siblings with kids get a lot more of her time and attention now. If you visit her, there’s about a 60% chance she’s babysitting or a niece or nephew is there. I’ve noticed it too, and personally I’ve made peace with it and it benefits me….
The thing that really hurt my oldest sister was finding out our parents helped 30F buy a house after her separation. They co-purchased it with her as she could never afford to buy in that area. And it’s literally about five houses down from them so they can be close to the grandkids. Nothing like that was ever offered to 38F when she bought her place, or to any of the other siblings for that matter.
She called me really upset. She said she feels invisible now, like she doesn’t matter to mum and dad anymore because she didn’t "give them grandchildren." Honestly, my heart broke for her. I could hear how much pain she was in.
But after listening for a while, I gently said something like: "I hear you, and I understand why this hurts. But I don’t think mum and dad are going to change. They’re excited about grandkids and that’s where their focus is now. I think for your own peace of mind, you might need to find a way to accept that this is how things are – not because it’s fair, but because fighting it is only going to keep hurting you."
She went quiet and then said I was being dismissive. She expected me to be on her side. She feels like I basically told her she’s worth less to our family because she chose not to have kids. That wasn’t what I meant at all – I was trying to protect her from constantly banging her head against a wall that won’t move.
I love my sister. I wasn’t trying to justify our parents’ behaviour or say she doesn’t deserve equal treatment. I just don’t want her to keep suffering over something she can’t control.
AITA for saying she needs to accept it rather than validating her anger?
YTA and so are your parents, but you’re right they won’t change and it’s not worth fighting.
YTA.
You and your parents are related for sure.
YTA. You and your entire family.
YTA and so are your siblings and parents. Of course they’re excited for grandkids but treating a child invisible? That’s awful and you acknowledge it’s true and not an exaggeration but it significantly benefits you to ignore it so you told her to learn to accept it.
OP would feel different if she was the one being ignored and mistreated.
In families like these, they love throwing away the child-free person UNTIL mom and dad need live-in care or someone to take them to all their appointments because “we have kids.” That family better NEVER ask that sister for help EVER.
Your sister was looking for emotional support, and what she heard from you is that she should ‘just accept it’. Your response hurt her feelings when she was already feeling hurt so for that YTA, however the real assholes are definately your parents
You were gentle and trying to be kind, I get it, but YTA. Your parents are being completely unfair and it’s wrong to try to justify it. It is reasonable to feel hurt and to say what you said in a single conversation is abrasive and unnecessary. Her parents are clearly favoring certain children, let her be upset by that reality. Her bringing it up isn’t “fighting” it, she was looking for support and you didn’t give it to her. You were dismissive.
Of course, YTA. Your parents’ fixation on grandchildren benefits you, so dismissing your sister’s pain was easy, wasn’t it, AH?
YTA, bet she had to babysit a lot when y’all were kids..
Withholding love seems like the parents MO to punish her for not doing what your mom wanted. Now it seems like yours too.
YTA for telling someone to “accept” the reality that they’re invisible to their parents.
YTA. she does not have to accept this shitty treatment. you are basically asking her to give up on her needs and sacrifice herself.
listen very carefully, your parents are the ones hurting her and you are failing to hold them responsible.
She’s not banging her head against an inanimate wall. she’s being denied equal treatment from people who CHOOSE TO DO THAT TO HER. do you see how you are erasing their responsibility with your language ?
I don’t think you meant to hurt her but you need to stop sweeping her feelings under the rug because she is 100% right. you do not have her back. it’s not about changing your parents’ behavior but about being heard and acknowledged. if you really believe her treatment is wrong, then stop accepting it. period.
YTA, she didn’t call for your advice, she called for some comforting words. I’m one of 4 sisters, one of 2 childfree ones. While my parents definitely make sure to spoil their grandchildren they never treat myself and childfree sister like we are less than our breeder siblings. Your parents are horrible and you’re an asshole.
When your parents need more care in their old age, will your oldest sister be expected to take on more of the burden because she’s the one without responsibly for children?
She is worth less to your mother because she doesn’t have children (and shouldn’t having children be the active choice that’s made? Rather than the default that women “choose” not to follow?). It sounds like you know it’s true, but you want her to ignore it to make everyones life easier.
She wasn’t asked you for advice on how to best deal with the situation, she was looking for sympathy and support from her sister. YTA