Throwaway
My partner and I recently moved to Canada, but are both from the same country in Asia. We talk in our native language but I’m fluent in English, whereas my partner’s English level is upper intermediate. Their main challenge is speaking so they have started to take online conversation courses/join language exchange groups, those sorts of things. In the past we have tried doing English pratice together, but I’ve never felt really comfortable doing that so it never stuck.
In one of the online conversation lessons, I overheard the tutor and my partner talking about my English level and, as part of that conversation, the tutor stating that I don’t need to teach them English as I am not my partner’s language teacher. After the session I shared with my partner that I agreed with the tutor’s sentiment, to which I could sense that they weren’t happy with what I said.
Fast forward a few days later, after another online lesson, my partner started talking about how instead of paying money to do this, they could just do this with me and basically asked why I wouldn’t want to be their English teacher. It took me some time to form my thoughts but I said that I didn’t like it cos it would feel transactional to me. Some other reasons (that I wasn’t able to tell them) is that because we’ve mostly only ever talked to each other in our native language, it just feels really weird and also since I feel like my personalities are slightly different between English and my native language, that adds to the awkwardness on my end as well.
Upon my reply, my partner still couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to do it and became defensive so I passive-aggressively said that we can give it a try and see how it goes. Then they got really upset, saying that I "should be supportive of their integration to Canada" and that they are "all on their own on improving their English". I know I shouldn’t have been passive-aggressive but I also felt unheard and dismissed when I shared my discomfort, and I feel it’s valid to not want to be my partner’s language teacher. AITA?
Edit to add: I do have conversations with my partner in English, so I’m not refusing talking to them in English. I’m more reluctant to become their English tutor
So NTA for not wanting to teach a language to someone else. Teaching is a specific skill and teaching a language that is your second language is tricky. Tell him knowing English well and being able to teach it are 2 very different things. Offer to converse with him in English so he can practice what he’s learning with his tutor. YWBTA if you opted not to speak English with him at all. He’d be right about that being unsupportive.
NTA. You are not a teacher. You should not carry the mental load of being responsible for his learning. And teaching/learning can add weird dynamics to a relationship.
If the cost is a concern, he can look into ESL classes at the library or other community options. He can practice with English speakers out in the wild. Anything other than you.
YTA.
1. Of COURSE the person you are PAYING is going to tell your partner not to go to you for help. There are few people who will say “stop paying me.” But I get you aren’t a teacher. But you aren’t just refusing to teach, you’re refusing to practice at all, which is just mean.
2. I do not understand why it’s all about you. YOU not liking helping your partner. YOU think it’s weird talking to them in English (but Reddit strangers are no problem). I’m sure your partner doesn’t like going out and feeling like they cant move through the world as effectively as they did in your home country and feeling unsupported by the one person they should be able to lean on for support. You are their ONLY local person they can rely on and you are failing them.
3. I cannot imagine not wanting to help my partner practice the language in their new home country. Being knowledgeable will help your partner with day to day life activities, supporting the household on their own/with you, protecting themselves and their legal rights, etc. You seem to be coming at this really selfishly.
Yeah, technically you don’t have to help your partner practice. But shit, if I was your partner I would feel so unsupported and uneasy in my new country, my new home, and in my marriage. If cost is no concern, stick with the teacher/lessons and practice with your partner.
There’s a huge difference between teaching (correcting grammar and pronunciation, teaching new words), and practicing his existing skills.
OP is NTA for not wanting to TEACH her bf. And if he’s just wanting to practice with her in order to avoid actually paying someone else to teach him, then that’s essentially the role he’s trying to push her into. Yes, it would be nice of OP to practice with him from time to time, but not to the point where he’s laying the burden on her to \*teach\* him.
If it’s just a case of getting more comfortable with the language, he can practice speaking English with almost everyone around him. OP isn’t the only option available.
>Of COURSE the person you are PAYING is going to tell your partner not to go to you for help.
This is off base. Not everyone has the training or ability to be a tutor. Expecting OP to do that is wrong.
>my partner started talking about how instead of paying money to do this, they could just do this with me and basically asked why I wouldn’t want to be their English teacher
There’s a difference between having a conversation so someone gets used to a language, and the actual teaching of a language. You’re not a teacher. You can’t work on structure, verb usage, etc. It’s a completely other ballgame.
>they got really upset, saying that I “should be supportive of their integration to Canada”
You are supportive. They have an English tutor, and are doing online classes.
What they are talking about is saving money, and cornering you into doing something you have no skill in, or interest in doing. You’re their partner, not their teacher. You’ve set a boundary that is reasonable.
NTA
Is the issue the teaching or you dont want to speak in English at all with him? Your first paragraph specifies that you dont want to help hin practice, which I think does make you an AH. Its not transactional to help your partner.
ESH your for not even wanting to practice English with him to help him and him for wanting you to completely teach him.
So, I married a Brazilian man many years ago. He was new to the country when we met and didn’t speak Englsh. I spoke Portuguese and had taught myself.
Maybe that was my error, thinking because I taught myself pretty easily that he would learn. But then we were married, and I was going to all of his medical appts to translate. And he couldn’t talk to my family. And he couldn’t get job opportunities. All of his friends were Brazilian also.
I cared about him so didn’t mind too much, although it was a challenge. And people continually asked me why I didn’t insist on only speaking English to him.
Because I wanted to be his husband, not his teacher. I had tried to teach him but he never studied. I had spent a lot of time teaching myself and practicing. So I get it. Your partner has to want to learn and won’t get better if they don’t apply themselves. NTA.
NTA. You are not a foreign language teacher. By all means have conversations in English. But that is not a substitute for lessons.
I feel like there is more going on here, because on the face of it… this is your partner. Their ability to communicate in the language of the country you are building a joint future in is of major import to both of you, financially and psychologically. I understand not wanting to take on the full burden of teaching (grammar, vocab lists etc.) if that’s not your skill set. However, what you say is essentially that you don’t feel entirely comfortable in English yourself, which sounds like a good reason you should also practice!
My guess is that you’re feeling overwhelmed with living in a new country and want some mental relaxation time in which you don’t have to think about the language you are using, which is also reasonable. But this doesn’t mean you can’t do any conversation practice with your partner. And people do learn languages most quickly when they can speak them with their partners and not just in a classroom setting. Maybe set English hours and native language hours?
The overall vibe I’m getting from this is that the stress of immigration is driving you apart and causing you to resent each other, rather than the two of you tackling your challenges as a team. That doesn’t make either of you an asshole but it’s not the foundation you want to start your new life on.
NTA, teaching properly is a skill and it’s way more than just knowing how to speak a language, but you could offer to be a conversation partner. Maybe you could organise an activity or treat like going for a meal or something more mundane like grocery shopping, and make that place/ that event an English-speaking only event. There are loads of ways to support someone in speaking a new language without taking on the “teacher” role.
I feel like there’s a middle ground that you both are missing: you HELP YOUR PARTNER. I can understand not wanting to assume all the responsibility, but to leave them completely unsupported in something they want to do and need to do seems selfish at best. The fact that you’re also hiding the reasons why you’re not helping shows some bad communication skills, which, yes, ironic in this situation.
I’m going YTA here. The partner might be asking for too much, but you’re the bigger AH in this situation.
NAH just a failure to find a middle ground. Talk to each other a set amount of time everyday in English. Tell you spouse you don’t want to teach specifics.
ESH. you are valid in not wanting to be his english teacher, but he is valid in wanting to have someone to practice his english with. even with it being slightly uncomfortable for you, immersion is the best way to learn a language. it’s not your responsibility to teach him, but i’m not understanding why you won’t let him practice his english with you. like think about if your partner was in college learning something, & you took that class last semester so you know it too. you’re not going to sit down & teach him the class, you’re not his teacher. but if he’s doing his homework would you not answer a clarifying question or help him understand something? would you help him study? idk if this is making sense but practicing with him & allowing him to actually immerse in the language is not the same as teaching him & i don’t feel it’s a crazy ask. him wanting to stop paying for lessons makes him TA, because you are correct it is not your job to do the actual teaching.