I (18f) stay in a college dorm built sort of like an apartment. There are 3beds and 2 baths with a full kitchen. I live with 4 other females. Recently I have stopped contributing to the dorm because I’m no longer here as much. Due to work and family I only stop by to sleep and grab a change of clothes. While I am here though for my classes I make sure to pick up after myself and make sure my things are in order to the best of my capabilities. Around the middle of first semester everyone has been falling off when it comes to chores and groceries. Sometimes the sink will be stacked with dishes or the trash would be falling over. I tried my best to help and do the dishes or take out the trash but my efforts are always wasted because it goes back to what it was not even two hours later. My roommate had messaged me asking if I could do the dishes and I told her that I would while also politely telling her that I don’t see a need too because I’m not the one causing the mess. During the argument I stated that as an adult I pick up after myself so that I don’t cause a burden to anyone and that I don’t buy groceries because I won’t be eating them with other things included. I see where she is coming from but I still don’t understand how it’s my problem when I’m not the one causing it. AITA?
INFO…Was there an agreement and chore schedule set up when you moved in?
You are not Dobby the house elf.
You don’t come to the dorm to clean and leave again.
When my kids were in high school, our house was the popular place to hang out.
All my kids and my bonus kids knew where the dishes and snacks were, and they were also good about cleaning up behind themselves.
NTA Suggest a chore chart or some other method of keeping everyone accountable for keeping the place clean. Explain that you barely eat there and are frustrated that it gets messy quickly right after you clean.
ESH.
Your roommates suck because they should be picking up after their own messes for things like washing their own dishes after using them.
You suck because you should contribute to doing something since you’re still living there after all. Not wanting to contribute ANYTHING because you’re not there “as much” is you being a selfish prick. If you don’t want to contribute to anything, then you should leave and find another place to live.
ESH. It’s hard for me to believe your not there that much yet have info on everyone else’s chore frequency so this is just 4 young people who need to figure it out.
NTA, I always hated roommates who made me split chores and groceries like a spouse. Let them know hey I will be covering chores and groceries for myself
I remember when my parents were on holiday trips and me an my big brother were home alone (13&18)
I did all the cleaning and stuff.
He said the same as you. While eating without a plate standing spreading crumbs he said he doesn’t create any dirty dishes and the table and counter stay clean …. and the sink and shower in his mind didn’t need cleaning as well because they clean by using them….. sometimes i wondered if he is really 5 years older.
So idk if you are the asshole but just think if you really clean up after yourself enough to say you don’t need to do stuff.
Based on the specific example given here with the dishes, NTA. Dishes are an individual, not collective responsibility. You’re responsible for washing dishes you use. Other are responsible for washing dishes they use. Same with groceries, you can each buy your own stuff. But it would go over into ESH if you’re blanket announcing you’re not gonna contribute anything at all. You need to do your part of collective chores like cleaning the bathroom and emptying the trash. How much you’re there doesn’t really matter, you’re sleeping there so you’re still making use of collective resources.
NTA if you are not eating any of the groceries, you don’t need to contribute to that.
If you are cleaning up after yourself and washing anything that you use, like dishes, then they need to do the same. As long as you are contributing to cleaning the communal spaces on occasion, like the kitchen or bath, then they need to just let you be and clean up after themselves.
NTA yet, but you’re teetering imo. If you still live there, in any capacity, the expectation is that you contribute to chores. However, there’s a difference between group chores and your roommates not picking up after themselves. Not everyone wants to buy groceries in a dorm, either, so there’s no reason for that to be a group thing. Hell, I never ate in my dorm unless it was instant noodles or snacks. On the other hand, it’s still a shared living space that you live in. Things like vacuuming, wiping down shared spaces, etc. should still be split between everyone if you’re still sleeping/living there regularly. When I was in college, our RA made us have a roommate meeting with them in the first two weeks to come up with a roommate agreement. Do you have anything like that? If not, talk to your roommates and see if you can come up with a system that works. If you can’t, ask your RA to moderate. Everyone needs to pick up after themselves.
On the other hand, the fourth girl in my quad freshman year peaced out in September to live with her boyfriend. By October, we all came home one day and all that was left was her shoes. I never saw her on campus again. Obviously if you’re there as little as she was, that’s different, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.
Make a chore chart. You do need to take out trash and clean bathrooms and floors etc, no matter how much mess you think you make. Those are communal tasks regardless of time spent in the apartment or how much mess you think you make.
Everyone should shop for themselves and wash their own dishes immediately. If the others want to share groceries that’s their choice, but I have never had that work out outside of my marriage because we share funds and cook meals together.
No one is an AH, you’re all just kids trying to learn how to be adults together.
I was about to say YTA, expecting it to be an argument over budgeting or not cleaning up after yourself. But if you are literally coming in to clean up after the others, then NTA. They are equally responsible for their own messes and share of the apartment.
I feel like we are missing some information, but based solely on what is written, I say:
NTA
To put it short and simple: if you make a mess you clean it up. If you have not used something, it is not your mess to deal with.
Yes, helping out to keep a shared common space clean is definitely a blessing and show of good character, but do not do it to your own detriment. Not all people are like this, but from personal experience, the more you let people get away with things (or not doing things) and taking charge yourself to pick up the slack, people can get “complacent” and do not fully realize all that goes into it. Example taking the trash out every day, not many will notice that you are always doing it, but the second you stop they sure will. Or, worst case, they know what they are doing and are trying to take as much advantage of the situation that they can – I really hope this is not the case.
Sounds to me like your roommates had the misfortune of having a “cleaning fairy” that made their messes dissappear. Sometimes too much of a good thing can become a bad thing.
And I am sorry but… you do not eat there but they still want you to contribute? 😅 Oh my lanta… it would be a donation in that case, not a contribution. Toilet paper and things like that, totally can contribute to that, but I would personally recommend buying it yourself and bring it to the dorm or you risk the money not being spent where it is supposed to. Just a thought.
Side note: cleaning up after your roommates ***IS*** contributing