Hello reddit,
this is my first time posting about my issues online and english is not my first language so please be considerate.
I don’t really know how this all works so I guess I just tell you what is currently going on and bit of myself so you can understand the situation more.
I am a 21M (trans male so ftm) and I got a lot of issues because of my past, some of my issues are depression, social anxiety, late diagnosed autism (with 19) and both paraphillia and hypersexuality.
The last too are because of multiple sexual traumas that I don’t feel comfortable going into.
I also just ended my 4 year abusive and toxic relationship this year that I haven’t healed from yet but I met this person (26-NB) at my school and here is where the problem starts.
Them and I really hit it of really quickly and we started to fall for each other within a month or two, I am so deeply in love with this person I think I didn’t really knew what love meant before that. (I only had like 3 crushes my whole life and my ex is one of them but this person makes me experience what real love is).
So this person and I got close real fast and we hang out every week after school for the first 2-3 months with sleepovers and just enjoying each other’s presence.
Then someday I stupidly said I love them because of a tic I have where I repeat things (we watched tiktoks together and I repeated a line that someone said) and later that day on my way home they said they fell for me too. After that we started dating so we can learn more about each other before committing, this lasted just a few weeks before they asked me to be their boyfriend and I said yes. We were both so happy and started getting even more close and had sex for the first time but after that I couldn’t really control my hypersexuality anymore.
Everytime they touch me a bit more intimate I get super horny and it’s getting hard to control myself to not touch them or myself, when I don’t do anything my body starts to spasm and it literally hurts.
They themself got some sexuel trauma but they cope differently than I.
They don’t like being sexualised and want to be asked before getting touched in any way, what I completely understand and want to respect! (One of my biggest fears is making people uncomfortable)
But there were some occasions where I didn’t ask because my body acted before I could even think about what I am doing and I took it too far because they have trouble communicating their boundaries to others.
Idk if it’s because of my autism but I can’t read them and if they want something or not but I do my best with asking them everytime but at a certain point when I lose myself into the closeness and intimacy that we have I forget to ask and just do what my body tells me to do.
Usually I stop when they say stop or give me a clear sign but today I was so gone I didn’t even feel them pushing me away and it took me a minute to release what I just did. (I am so ashamed and disgusted by myself and it also scared me because I am not that kind of person)
I don’t want that, they told me that it scares them and I don’t want them to be scared.
I don’t want to be this type of person.
I want to be someone who they can trust and feel safe around.
I want to control myself but everytime we get a bit more intimate it feels like a drug that makes me forget everything that they told me and makes me want more and more, I don’t want that tho.
I want to be a better person for them and be there and enjoy a intimate moment without escalating the situation into something more than just cuddling and being a bit touchy.
Please if you guys have any ideas or tips that could help I am willing to try everything!
I really love this person and I don’t want to hurt them anymore
EDIT: I know that nothing of that is an excuse for what I did and I am really ashamed and I made an appointment for january next year at my psychiatrist to talk about ways to cope with my hypersexuality.
EDIT 2: We are broken up but we are still very close and nobody knows that we broke up because we still love each other and want to work on ourselves alone without the commitment of a relationship before coming back together or try to be just friends.
It sounds like you’re honestly not in the best mental health state to be in a relationship. “My body reacted before my mind could” is not an excuse. Your body didn’t *react*, you made your moves with intention because you were prioritizing your pleasure compared to theirs. You can coat it anyway you want, but that’s what it boils down too
That’s why I say you may not be ready to be in a relationship, if you feel like you can’t control yourself
Yeah I know and they know to but we can’t stay away from each other.
Do you have any tips for the problem itself or how to stay away from them?
I want to do anything to make them feel better.
It’s difficult because we go in the same class and I don’t want to make it awkward or uncomfortable for them.
For you personally, I’d consider therapy to help assist with working through the trauma you previously experienced
Okay thank you, I already made an appointment but it’s next year.
That’s way I wanted to ask reddit to give some advice for the time before I can get professional help.
Are you not able to get something sooner than a year? Best advice is to stay away from each other or to not allow yourselves to get in positions that can lead to touch (cuddling on the couch, laying together, etc)
Sadly not getting a appointment is really hard.
But yes I told them that I want to distance myself so something like that will not happen again but they said it’s hard for them to not be in contact with me and I feel the same way.
My heart wants to be with them but my brain knows I should leave them alone.
And I also want to say that I know that it’s not an excuse that’s why I am searching for something to help me get better.
I am not that kind of person or atleast I really don’t want to be.
You should NOT be in a relationship. You assaulted your partner and blamed it on not being able to control yourself, which is bullshit. They should break up with you and you seek professional help before you sexually assault someone else, and continue to not take responsibility for it.
Well I am taking responsibility that’s why I am looking for help.
You’re at an age where your hormonal urges can really feel they take over. If you have alexithymia as part of your autism, then it will be extra hard to pick up on the cues from your partner. This is probably made worse by going through a second puberty.
Talk to your partner for how they’d like these things to go. For example:
Masturbate before you see your partner. When you find yourself getting aroused, create some distance between you both. Sit on a different couch. Talk about it. If your partner isn’t up for more and you really need to do something about it, go masturbate elsewhere, wash up and come back for more cuddling. Maybe just a walk out of the situation and splashing some cold water on your face will be enough to help you recover your good senses.
Getting aroused is normal (and obviously somewhat awkward at times). You’re not bad or wrong for getting aroused. As you already understand, you can’t always act on the feelings you have. So you need to find strategies to deal with it.
Yes thank you so much I will try that!
These are some very good ideas and I think they could help me.
bro, OP literally admits to sexually assaulting someone in their post. autism doesn’t make you miss someone “pushing you away”. this is way beyond reddit’s paygrade.