I’ll (32F) try to sum up the background as best as possible. Our extended family normally celebrates Christmas on Christmas Eve. My aunt has taken over hosting after my grandparents passed away. I am the second oldest of the grandchildren ( if that’s important). My aunt and I got along well enough until a few years ago when she told me my boyfriend at the time ( and father to 2 of my children) was not welcome at the celebrations due to her concern that he would have a negative influence on her own children, who were teens at the time. I have not been back there since. However other family members have reached out and want us to be together again during the holidays and originally I was going to go. I no longer am with the previous boyfriend I mentioned as he was deported out of the country.
My current issue is I want to bring my current partner, who they don’t know anything except for his first name, as well as my children to the party so he can meet my family. However I got a voicemail from the hosts that they won’t feel comfortable with him coming unless they do a background check first. I find this very offensive and don’t want to go at all with that as a condition. But I am conflicted because the kids and me going would mean a lot to many people. So, would I be the asshole if I don’t go to this and don’t agree to the background check. Thank you
Edit: The first boyfriend we have known as a family since he was a kid, we grew up together basically. He had several rough years, including a few run ins with the law. Mostly due to horrible home life. By the time he was with me he had mostly gotten himself sorted out and was working on creating a better life ( mid 20s )
NTA – clearly they don’t trust your judgement or your previous relationships – I would not go either unless they had good reason to not trust you/your partners.
INFO: Why did she think your ex would be a bad influence, and how long have you been dating your current partner?
What were the reasons your aunt though the ex would be a bad influence? Why do they want to do a background check on your current partner? There’s a lot of context missing, but do you have a history of picking shady boyfriends?
Info: what kind of men are you dating that all of them are unwelcome??
A background check? ok is there more to this story about the first bf? Was there any honest reason why he might actually have given your aunt a reason to believe he was a bad influence, and for that reason they are worried your news guy has the some old problems? This story makes it sound like your ex was a drug dealer and now they want to make sure the new one isn’t. Now it is entirely possible guy number one was a great guy, and so is guy two- but I think I need that info before I can answer. A background check? That is so weird.
NTA. That’s pretty outrageous and arrogant. It’s so insulting that it sounds like they don’t really want you around and are trying to make you the bad guy by rejecting their conditions. Cut them off and keep to your own Christmas traditions, and let them stew in their own grinchy juices.
NTA, you don’t need that toxicity. Merry Christmas, have fun doing your own thing with your own people who love and support you.
INFO: Why do they want a background check? Its not that hard to Google someone’s name nowadays to see if someone has a criminal record.
NTA IMO
You had me at “background check” imagine the parents of your partner hearing this. How would they react?
There are some things people shouldn’t say and this is one of those things.
I’m dating a woman myself and my father made comments about their Appearance. I won’t get into details.
My mother and I ripped him a new asshole. It is disrespectful to say things like that about someone’s partner.
NTA if you don’t go.
What is your culture that your family could demand a “background check” on your boyfriend?
You are in your rights to tell them all to kick rocks and that you will be celebrating christmas with your own family members and significant others.
True story, my niece brought a new boyfriend to Thanksgiving one year. A few months later he killed his ex in front of her child. Ya never know about people. We all loved him on first impression. That being said I still wouldn’t require a background check for a family party. NTA.
NTA. They want to background check your partner like a criminal after already banning your kids’ dad? Hard pass. That’s not protection, it’s control. You’re not wrong for refusing.
INFO: Other than the “few runins with the law” with the first boyfriend, Is there anything in your dating history that would justify concern/caution on their part?
To me it sounds like they just don’t really want you there at all. They’re making you jump through so many hoops, unnecessarily, that I’d just stay home with the kids and have your own Christmas eve party. NTA.