I (F24) love my boyfriend (M33) with all of my heart and there are no intentions at all of breaking up with him. We’ve been together for over a year and we have plans to get our stuff together so we can both start focusing on saving money for our own apartment. For this past year, we’ve dealt with a lot of hardships and setbacks. Lately, it seemed that we were slowly getting on the right track. My bf was paying off everything he owed while making his money stretch longer than before. My insurance is now fixed so I could start therapy again and I was finally able to get a job last week after not working for a year due to mental illness issues. Unfortunately, yesterday, during an argument with my boyfriend, he revealed that money has him very stressed out rn and that he has credit card debt. This was something that he has never talked to me about before. When he said this, it made me think about how long it’ll take more us to reach our goals, but also; how long it’ll make me to grow and reach my own goals.
He now has credit card debt. He also has to fix up or get a new vehicle. He also owes back rent. Aside from the financial aspect of the situation, he still has not talked to his brother (which is his roommate) about him moving out in the near future, and my BF would have to help his brother find a roommate. Seeing everything now kept making me think. I’m ready to heal. To grow. To completely improve myself. My patience when it comes to waiting and keeping myself in an environment that I don’t want to be in is nonexistent. It’s also making me think about how independent I’d like to finally be. I am a grown woman and I have never lived on my own yet. I have only ever lived with roommates, boyfriends, or my family.
I’d like to take control of my life and finally reach my full potential. I’m not saying he’s holding me back. I don’t think he is. I think we’re both holding each other back if we stay as a unit. He needs to focus on saving his money to pay off everything he has to pay off while I need to focus on me and taking care of myself without anyone’s help.
I don’t want to lose him.
I don’t want to make another life ruining mistake.
I don’t want to make it so we can never move in together because I know it’ll be harder for me to save while paying rent/bills for when we are ready to get our own apartment.
I don’t know.. Would I be an asshole if I got my own place? Am I overreacting to his credit card debt? Would I also get the asshole if I explained to my boyfriend that his money is his money now and my money is my money now? And what should I do? Am I wrong for feeling like this?
Your own shoebox is better than the largest shared space . You can always go over , and vice versa .
NTA.
You are doing a pretty good job of adulting there.
Follow your instincts and get your own place. You’re right to be concerned about his financial stability especially the back rent. You don’t want to find yourself evicted or financially stressed to cover his debts.
Best of luck
Info required because this doesnt read very well for you.
Where are you living currently and who funded your last 12 months of unemployment? Did you have sufficient savings for your rent and living expenses for that time?
Your line his money is his money *now* sounds like maybe it used to be shared. I wouldn’t like learning about secret credit card debt either, but is it debt accumulated over years or specifically only the past year?
NTA. Listen to your gut.
NTA. Get out of that relationship, OP. He will hold you back. I won’t even comment on the age difference (women his age absolutely would not date this man), but his life is a mess rn and yours is taking off. You’re young, this is your time to grow, learn, have new experiences, see the world, improve yourself. Please do NOT move in with this man. You will look back on this relationship in 10 years and see it for what it really is. He will drag you down.
This absolutely needs to be said.
I could not agree more! I married my EX husband when I was about her age with a similar age difference. He did nothing but drag me down and hold me back. He was financially irresponsible, and I carried the load for both of us. OP, If you move in with this man now, you’ll feel “stuck” sooner than you can imagine. You are just getting your life together and it’s about to take off. Do not tie an anchor to your leg when you deserve to fly. NTA!
Edited for content
NTA. I am not a huge fan of moving in with someone you’re just dating, because it puts undue pressure on you in the event of a breakup or other unfortunate situation. I know I’m a bit old fashioned like that, but I’ve seen so many instances where one or both people end up in a horrible situation because they are now financially dependent on their ex, or are staying in a relationship that they don’t want to be in because they feel stuck. Living alone is a good experience to have anyway, and if he is someone who is worth having a long term relationship with, he will understand and support you.
NTA. Your logic is very mature!
Get your own apartment. Stay on your own. DO NOT let him convince you to let him move in with you.
I’m going to suggest you reconsider the relationship. You are 9 years younger than him. At his age he should have his shit together. His issues, especially financially don’t look good. You don’t want to succeed to wind up supporting a man who can’t stay out of debt.
You dont need a man ever, PLSSSS move on ur own
NTA and dump your boyfriend. Your future self will thank you. You’re too young to see why a 33 year old man wants to be with a younger woman who actually has her life more together than him.
*I (F24) love my boyfriend (M33)… He now has credit card debt. He also has to fix up or get a new vehicle. He also owes back rent.*
If I were in my early twenties, there is no way in the world I would move in with (or even continue a relationship with) a man in his thirties who STILL has not managed to get his shit together financially and is in a deep, deep hole of debt that he may never claw his way out of. He could easily end up sucking me into the hole of debt as well, draining my savings, trashing my credit rating, and ruining my financial future.
At least you have the good sense not to entangle your finances with him right now.
Keep it that way, and you’ll stay NTA.
You have no business financially supporting a grown ass man in his 30s when you’re 24. Especially one that lies to you about his debt.
And trust me, the next step if you move in together is him expecting you to cover his bills, let him miss his rent, and continue doing all the shit he’s doing now..