I’m a 20F and my boyfriend is 21M. We’ve been together since around May of this year. We’ve had some hard moments, but overall the relationship has been good. Recently, we’ve started talking about more serious topics, especially the idea of moving in together before marriage.
For some background, we’re both from Hispanic households. I’m the youngest daughter and have a good relationship with my parents. Growing up, my dad was clear that he wouldn’t want me to move out before marriage, and I’ve always shared that value. I’ve never felt rushed to move out, especially since my home environment is healthy and supportive.
My boyfriend, on the other hand, believes that he shouldn’t propose to someone without living with them first. He feels that living together is necessary to truly know if a relationship will “work” long-term. I understand his point of view and where he’s coming from.
However, I don’t feel comfortable moving in with someone unless we’re engaged or married. I value my personal space, and the idea of fully living with someone without that level of commitment doesn’t sit right with me. It feels like crossing a boundary I’ve held for a long time. I tried to compromise by saying that if I had my own apartment someday, I’d be open to him staying over often or even for weeks at a time. To him, though, that still isn’t the same as actually living together.
I’m torn because I don’t want to change my morals or feel pressured into something that makes me uncomfortable, but I also don’t want to be unfair or close-minded toward his perspective.
So my question is: am I wrong for standing firm on my values, or is this something I should loosen up on to see if the relationship will work long-term?
NAH. You are not the asshole for having and sticking to your values, but neither is he. If your values aren’t compatible, one of you needs to change for the other, or you need to find new partners that share your values. No one has done anything wrong from what you’ve told us, but the two of you need to decide if your views and values can be reconciled or not.
ETA: He’s got the better perspective on the matter as others have also told you. You should live with someone for a *minimum* of one year to even know whether you’re going to be able to stand each other.
You say you would be willing to move in together if you were engaged?
One potential compromise is to have a long engagement, like 2/3+ years. So you can get engaged, move in together, mKe sure you are compatible as roommates/living together and then if it checks out get married.
NAH, I’d personally agree with your boyfriend but this seems like a distinct preference difference. That being said, describing your 7 month relationship as saying ‘we’ve had some hard times’ is not great
It sounds like there is an easy compromise here that would satisfy both of you: plan to have an engagement of at least a certain length, and move in together when you get engaged. I would bet that he probably has an idea of how long he wants to live together at a minimum before getting married; it might mean a longer engagement than you had originally planned, but that’s part of what makes this a compromise. You get not moving in until you have a serious commitment, engagement. He gets living together long enough to “road test” your relationship before you’re married.
NAH, you’re just coming at this from slightly different perspectives.
NAH. youre not wrong for sticking to your values, esp if moving in before engagement just doesn’t feel right to you. tbh, his view makes sense too, but having different comfort levels isn’t anyone’s fault. you shouldn’t push past your own boundaries to keep the relationship going
NAH Just two people having different views. I think he is right though, you don’t really know if you are compatible with someone until you live with them. You don’t know if your BF has habits that will get on your nerves, you don’t know if the two of you have the same hygienic requirements.
Weddings are expensive and divorces even more so. Would you buy a car without trying it first?
NAH. You just aren’t compatible on a really fundamental thing. That’s what young relationships are for. Working out what doesn’t work.
For the record in my experience his way is healthier, but you have the right to your values.
NAH, but you should try living together first. Living together is far different than dating, or even spending the night/several nights. It’s a great test of long term compatibility basically.
NAH If you guys are already on completely separate pages and are statistically right in the prime of the honeymoon phase you better buckle up cause it’s gonna get bumpy. If he is dismissive about your morality on the subject I would suggest taking a break and try to find a better boyfriend. You’re so young. Dont settle for pushy weirdos
NAH – you’re entitled to your view, he’s entitled to his. His is more sensible though.
More concerning to me is that you’ve been together barely 7 months and you’ve “had some hard moments”? Hmm.
You’re both very young, maybe slow things down a bit with the talk of living together/engagement/whatever, and really see how compatible you are beyond the new-relationship-hormones and hope.
NAH. You’re allowed to have different views. Anyways you’ve only been together for half a year. There’s no need to rush moving in together or getting married. You’re both still incredibly young.
You are setting yourself up for failure if you don’t get to know your boyfriend really really well before you marry. That includes living together. Otherwise, you risk promising till death do you part and figuring out you are incompatible in daily things that can make your life miserable. Divorce is a much bigger deal than moving in with a guy before marriage. Your boyfriend is right about not marrying someone before living together. As others said, having a long engagement where you live together for a year before starting to plan anything for your wedding sounds reasonable.
What is your value in this case? Staying wirh your family or respecting your father’s wishes? If you valued your personal space, you wouldn’t be sharing a house with your family, but would be living as independently as possible at 20. Also keep in mind that your father might have said what he did because he wanted to keep his baby girl at home, safe and protected as long as possible. And daddy’s girl agreed. But now you’re a woman who needs to make a wise decision about your future. Jumping into marriage based on a childhood promise and naivity is not that.
But it doesn’t sound like you should be considering marriage with him anyway. Having issues 7 months in at 20 when you should still be flying high on love hormones and enjoying eachother without problems shows you it might be better to let or figure out those first before talking marriage.
YTA, girl. To yourself.
NAH
While I don’t think living together is as important as everyone else here (having lived with a few people that didn’t work out in the past). It honestly makes it a lot harder to end things when it comes down to it. I do think living outside of your family home before marriage is important for everyone.
IMO it is better to move out on your own or with non-romantic, non-related roommates first (if possible) – for at least a year. You learn a different level of independence, you learn how to care for yourself, for your home, how to feed yourself etc. better than most can learn living with family. Then go from there.
NAH. You both have valid perspectives. This might be a fundamental incompatibility that means you aren’t a good match because these are pretty diameterically opposed views (you won’t live with someone without being engaged, he won’t get engaged to someone he hasn’t lived with.)
I’m in my late 40s and my (admitted not asked for) advice is not to rush things- May to December is not a long relationship and it’s pretty early to talk about moving in together, especially if you’re already having some hard moments.