Hi! I’m looking for some insight as this stage of a relationship for me is very new and my brain is scattered with thoughts of going back and forth.
I am currently renting a bedroom and bathroom with one of my friends and currently pay $800 in rent and $100-120 in utilities that I completely cover. My lease is up next year so my boyfriend and I have talked about me moving into his two bedroom 1 and 1/2 bath (one room is his office). And I’m very excited about this step!
His first suggestion was that I pay $700 plus 1/2 utilities which ends up being $100ish less than what I’m currently doing. Meanwhile he makes more than 4x what I do (not his fault) and a recently paid off car while I still have a good chunk of car payments plus student debt. He was excited for my to help saying he could pay down his house extra quick which on one hand is great for our future but feeling as though I’m paying extra in an investment that isn’t mine. And comparing his savings/benefit of me moving in of $800+ extra in his pocket meanwhile this move would save me $100.
I suggested that I either:
1. Paid all utilities, water, internet, trash, groceries etc which would add up to $500-600 depending on the month
2. Paid 1/2 utilities plus an income modified rent. I technically make less than 20% of what he does but I offered a 30/70 split and even rounded up to $550
We eventually agreed to number 2 but I can’t shake this anxious feeling. That way he still has between 650 and 700 extra and I’m able to save 250-300. I wasn’t trying to bum and I absolutely wanna contribute to our future with paying down my debts and saving for a future joint down payment/wedding/kids.
WITA for asking for this?
NAH – It seems you’ve resolved the conflict.
Money and housing is a common issue – as long as both people come out “better off” it’s good.
Not an asshole if you both agree. Good arrangement and should be revisited as you do better financially.
I think its fair to pay based on income, especially since you aren’t getting a choice in where you are going to live together, but moving into a place he already picked based on his income and lifestyle.
This seems like a NAH? I don’t think you are in the wrong for talking about adjusting the bills per income and your reason makes sense. It doesn’t seem like he was being a jerk about it, and if he was a little offput at all, I think it’s a reasonable initial reaction.
This seems like the fair outcome for both of you, it seems a little early to be talking about joining finances or anything right? If the moving in works out and you two get married, then it’ll be partly your house too and you’d still probably be splitting the bills like that anyway. If it doesn’t, you got reduced rent and he got help on his mortgage
NAH
What are the market rates in the respective neighborhoods, and amenities?
You currently have your own bedroom and bathroom. You are going to pay for a shared bedroom and bathroom.
Have you discussed bathroom schedules? He has a home office, so he should work around your schedule in the shower, assuming he works from home.
Is he being reimbursed from his work for some utilities? I get my Wi-Fi paid for by my work.
How is closet space going to work? Most people fill their space with stuff, even stuff they no longer use.
How is labor going to be divided? Cooking, cleaning, etc…
This needs to be upvoted. Before moving in, you guys need to really, really talk about all the stuff listed above. Not to mention things like your decor, personal space, etc.
NAH I think the best option is to let him know now you will need to re-negotiate the rent/expenses after 3-6 months once you’ve seen how your shared life and budget actually works out for real.
And keep track of your spending closely for that time.
For right now, this is a better deal than your current rental, and in the first phase of living together it’s not unreasonable to keep your finances completely separate and pay a “proper” rent. But he shouldn’t be profiting more than you from the living arrangement long-term just because he’s further ahead than you in the property market.
Once you’ve been living together for several months, the relationship has progressed and you’re comfortable you’re moving towards a shared future, it’s very reasonable to look at your incomes more collectively, and rework both your finances so you can pay down your debt, build savings, etc.
It’s not weird for him to treat you as a roommate (financially) for up to the first year, as long as he is prepared shift to treating you like a domestic partner after that.
(You’ll also have a lot more data then about things like — are you doing more of the housework, are you subsidising his higher food expenses, what surprise expenses about living together did you not take into account.)
Basically having set financial re-negotiation points every 3-6 months (discussed ahead of time, not brought up randomly) will reduce your stress and means that if the first financial breakdown you negotiate is unfair to you, you won’t be stuck with it for years.
YTA. This could have easily been a NAH situation, but the moment you said he “makes 4× more” (then changed it to 20%) and that paying rent to him would be “excess profit,” you lost the plot. That mindset makes you sound entitled.
You’re not being robbed, you’re being asked to contribute to the household you want to live in. If you don’t like the arrangement, you can stay where you are and continue paying more. But expecting to move into someone else’s home, pay significantly less, and frame their mortgage as “profit” makes YTA.
NAH, just wanted to point out it’s nice to see an actually healthy discourse relating to $ in a relationship especially on reddit. It’s clear you are both reasonable and conscientious. I do think you’re overthinking OP. Your train of thought makes plenty of sense and I’m glad on your behalf your partner was amenable to the terms! Let it go, there nothing AH-ish about this!
NAH – You had a conversation and everyone agreed on a fair shake. Not sure what the issue is.
I would say, your concern about paying but “feeling as though I’m paying excess profit in an investment that isn’t mine.” What about all that other rent you were paying before moving in? That is literally excess “profit in an investment that isn’t yours”. When a sink breaks, are you paying? Water leaks, heater goes, roof needs replacement, floor beam needs replacement… are you paying?
NAH. Sounds like it worked out fine? Not sure what you’re still feeling bad about.
I’ve always believed the only fair way to split household expenses is to put the same percentage of income into a joint account, so I’m with you on that.
However, framing your paying of rent like him making a profit is where you lost me. He’s not obligated to provide you with support automatically because you have bills. You would expect to pay rent anywhere else you lived. He’s not profiting off you, he’s giving you a cut rate and moving you into a house you’ll share together instead of just renting a room somewhere.
Soft YTA.