I (32M) am visiting my father (63M) and grandmother (90F) in Tenerife while they’re on holiday. I live in Spain, they’re in Germany, and honestly, I wasn’t planning to come. I can barely stand being around my father: his racist attitudes, constant gossip, and need to control every conversation wear me down. But my grandmother invited me, and at 90 years old, I knew this might be my last chance to spend time with her.
At dinner, I mentioned that if I ever opened a restaurant, I’d focus on flavor above all else, whether organic or not. That set my father off on a ten-minute monologue about how "it’s okay that I’m not into organic nutrition because I’m young and immature."
Then he lectured me that affording organic food is just "a question of priorities." By "priorities" he principally means me supporting my unemployed partner, who he doesn’t like because she’s Venezuelan. He has said Venezuelans learn in school to seduce and marry up. She has severe trauma that makes finding work difficult.
After several minutes of trying to cut in and enduring being lectured on dietary choice, immaturity and "priorities" I finally interrupted with "halt mal kurz den Rand" (German for "shut it").
He exploded: How dare I speak to my father that way. I need to respect and revere him as a father.
I said basic respect has to go both ways. He said it doesn’t, because he’s the father. So I said, "And that’s why you don’t deserve it."
He then tried to empty a water bottle on me, dumping it like a bucket. Then he told me to leave. I stayed sitting, literally SAW my eyes twitching, and had to control myself not to throw it back.
Now my grandmother is telling me I need to apologize. My stance is he was disrespectful first, and I’m not apologizing.
Relevant backstory: When my parents split when I was 12, he kidnapped me during visitation, didn’t put me on the plane back to my mother (who had custody), and sued in Germany to keep me there. He was mostly absent after, leaving me with my grandmother. He forced me to work on his hobby house renovation every weekend for 4 years. When I was in university and he got cancer, he said he couldn’t help financially, then bought a €60k Volvo. He had me work 40 hours/week in his restaurant at minimum wage, then acted insulted when I hadn’t studied. When I was close to finishing my new degree (lots happened), he pulled his €400/month support, forcing me to full-time work, which wasn’t compatible.
He’s told me I’m "too much like my mother" (half Russian, he’s racist about that too), sent me WhatsApp "wishing I weren’t his son" because I’m low contact due to his attitudes – He has called Muslims vermin and uses "Kanacke" (think ni\*\*er) as a descriptor – and told me in the past he’d have liked another child because I’m too distant.
I’m here because of my grandmother. This is day 5 of 11, and at 90, I am afraid this could be one of my last opportunities with her.
AITAH for telling my father to "shut it" and refusing to apologize?
If your grandmother passes and this remains your last memory with her, is it more important that you protected your boundary, or that you showed her the kind of grace he never could?
What part of you is afraid that apologizing (even without retracting your truth) might make you feel too much like the man you’re trying not to become?
If your father had died the next morning, would you still feel certain that withholding an apology was only about respect, and not about punishment?
NTA, and your father does not *deserve* an apology.
However, this could easily be your last holiday with your grandmother. If I were in your shoes would apologize, solely for *her* sake. I know it will feel icky and awful because your father doesn’t deserve it, but once your grandmother is gone, you never have to see your father again if you don’t want to.
Give your grandmother some peace.
NTA. It sounds like your dad was intentionally provoking you (when you were talking about something completely innocuous!) because he’s a raging asshole with a grudge against you.
It’s unfortunate that grandma had to deal with this, but frankly… if she’s siding with your dad, she may be part of the reason why he ended up like this. If you DO apologize for your grandmother’s sake (which, of course, you don’t have to), I would give a non-apology apology. Like, “I’m sorry you got so upset you felt the need to dump water on my head. Now let’s try and get along for the sake of grandma.”
And then gray rock that asshole and spend as much one-on-one time with grandma as possible. He doesn’t deserve the satisfaction of seeing you get mad.
I don’t think he has a grudge or was intentionally trying to provoke me. He just thinks that he is the enlightened one and everyone is a sheep and he was being very understanding by giving me clemency for my youth, ignorance and immaturity.
Don’t get me started on his anti-sciencs, anti-vacc etc. stances he has developed in the last decade.
And yes, as much as I love her, my grandmother has been enabling him his whole live. My aunt and cousins are on/off no contact because of it. The only reason I am overlooking it is because she’s generally great with me and she’s 90, you know.
“I am sorry that you got upset at FACTs that make you HAVE to dump water on me, just because you couldn’t handle TRUTH. I am sorry that you kidnapped me when I was 12 that you have me working for you for everything, that I couldn’t study as a result, and I am sorry that I am your son.”
Do the most passive aggressive gaslighting throwback that narcissistic people do, if you do have to.
I probably would have a separate trip for grandma though. You might just want to cut the trip short.
PS: Grandma is enabling your dad and this is a major reason why he’s this way.
Nta your father is a narcissistic asshole. Apply the “gray rock” tactic. He thrives on this attention don’t give it to him. When your grandmother is no more cut contact completely and don’t look back. He does not deserve you or your time.
Kiss Grandma, tell her you love her, and go home. If you are not already NC with your father after this, then yes, you are the AH.
I can understand why you said what you said, but you subjected yourself to the situation and knew how your father acts. Just leave.
Thank you for the feedback. I will sleep on it and consider in the morning.
I’d feel horrible forever for leaving it as is, if it were to be the last time. So I’m seriously considering toughing it out and not repeating this.
Grandma seems to be on dad’s side, so cut her out too.