I \[18F\] and my fiancé \[19M\] have been together for around four years now, engaged for a few months and recently moved in together.
Me and his family have a good relationship and most of them are really starting to grow on me. Except his mother.
Now until we’ve moved in together (=I moved in with him), I never really had an issue with his mom. We’ve had a few disagreementsc but nothing major. However, the place where we/I moved into is his grandfather’s house, where my fiancé and his mother lived up until this point. His grandfather owns it, but his mother grew up there, so he let her live there for a nearly nothing, until she decided that she wanted to find her own place after which we moved in with her blessing and to his grandfather’s delight.
Now this is when it all started to fall apart.
A. Despite the fact that I moved in after she assured me she was all settled up and the place was ready, the place was a DISASTER. Now I’ve been inside before, but I always restricted myself to my fiancé’s bedroom, the bathroom and occasionally the kitchen. The house has six more rooms, where I was never in, as his mother very obviously didn’t want me snooping. When I first entered these rooms, the first thing I saw was A LOT of mold. And dirt, and mud, and water damage and other health hazards.
B. Unsuprisingly, the tons of food that she left there was all expired. I’m talking two years expired dairy products, jars of canned veggies that were obviously sealed wrong a few years ago and now produced a smell so bad that I couldn’t even go to the room with the door to the pantry without gagging, etc. etc. But still, while I was disgusted, I told myself okay, single working mother, give her some grace.
C. My fiancé has \[12F\] sister. Who vapes. A lot. And his mother buys the fillings into her vapes (not sure what they’re called) and lets her smoke next to her, with her argument being that there’s nothing that she can do about it anyway. Not my circus, not my monkeys, until she started letting her vape in our new house, on the furniture and clothes that WE bought.
D. Now, I don’t think it’s a big suprise, but I threw all that moldy food OUT. She had a problem with this. How? No idea. But she scolded me for throwing away food that she bought instead of using it, and yes, even after I’ve sent her photos of the state that that food was in.
Now I didn’t exactly wax lyrical about her during all this, but I kept my thoughts to myself. Until a few days ago, when I let it slip that ,,She probably isn’t winning a mother of the year award anytime soon”. My fiancé gave me a look of utter shock and asked me how I could say something like that. So I recapitulated all the previously mentioned points to him and he told me that that doesn’t mean that she’s necessarily a bad parent. Now this is where I might be TA, as I started laughing and again, recapitulating the previously mentioned points in more detail, in response to which my fiancé got mad.
So, AITA?
This type of stuff is above this sub’s pay grade. Hoarding expired food is a mental illness issue. She needs help.
Why are you any better than the mother? You’re BOTH mooching off the grandfather. YTA obviously.
YTA. You don’t move into someone’s place and start judging and criticizing, especially when you’re still a teenager and it’s possible that mental illness is involved. If you’re concerned about conditions, approach your partner with compassion and be ready to listen, not laugh. You were disrespectful to both your finance and his mother.
If you know anything about hoarders, you would know that you CANNOT just throw something away. They’ll break down and go out and buy more stuff to replace that one or few things that got thrown away.
Since you’re only asking for judgement on that part, YTA
You only made it worse.
Note taken, thank you 🙂
CLARIFICATION: While I am extremely thankful for all replies and very much open to being called TA, else I wouldn’t post here, I feel that it’s important to add this:
A. We could have and originally planned to get our own place, but his grandfather insisted we move into a house owned by him. He refuses rent/utilities money, but we sneak him some every month anyway
B. I would have never dreamed of touching a thing if his mother didn’t explicitly tell me that it’s our place now and to do with it as we wish
C. My main issue was with the vaping (which I admit I should have highlighted better), so I’m asking for judgement including that please
Once again, thank you!
As others have said, this situation is way above Reddit’s pay grade. But on the issue of vaping: you are NTA for not wanting people to vape in your home. You are a bit of an AH for calling her a terrible mother to your fiancé — even though she may very well be. This is a complicated situation, but right now you’re only putting your fiancé on the defensive.
Realistically, you can’t enforce the vaping rule unless your fiancé is on board — especially since it’s his family home. You’re in a tricky situation.
Are you two in any sort of pre-marriage counseling? If not, try to pursue it if it’s financially feasible. Even if it’s through a church, if that’s the only way you can pull it off. (But not through a church that your MIL attends!)
Normally I’d never suggest using religious counseling services, but you two need *something*. Obviously, a traditional therapist is still preferable.
At the very least, *you* should see a therapist for yourself, if you aren’t already.
I wish I had more and better advice to give. And the advice I’m giving may be garbage — I really don’t know.
If I’m being truly honest, if you were my little sister or daughter, I’d be hoping that you’d eventually decide this relationship/family/life isn’t for you. This is a lot to marry into — and there’s a very good chance it’s not going to get better. Your MIL’s hoarding will get worse, there will be issues with your young SIL as she gets older… this is a family with a lot of problems, and not only can you not solve them, it isn’t your place to solve them.
You are so, so young, and if you have your own mental health issues… I’m just not seeing a happy future for you if you marry your fiancé. It’s not his fault, and you should continue to be gentle with him; but, at the same time, if you cannot become a united front, the problems will multiply.
I’ve seen too many friends marry into toxic family situations, and it usually doesn’t end well. Please get help for yourself so you have the tools to navigate this. This is so much more serious than some moldy food, or his sister vaping (not that that isn’t serious — it’s very concerning).
Sorry for the stream-of-consciousness-esque reply. I think reading this has brought out my own anxiety — I can’t seem to write in an organized fashion. I hope something I’ve written here makes sense and can help you.
Thank you, so very much, for this reply. We aren’t exactly in couples therapy if that’s what you mean (English is my third language and I live in Eastern Europe, so I apologize if I fail to fully understand some terms), but we do go to therapy together, if that’s makes sense.
I’m going to get a bit personal now, so feel free to back out.
I’ve been seeing a therapist ever since my first hospitalization a year ago, and my fiancé at first attended with me because I was scared and later started going with me regularly because our relationship is the main part of my life and so I felt that he could add some insight. He was also able to describe me from a second person view in situations when I was not able to (psychosis). My therapist and I both agree that a he is my anchor and that he has been a huge help for me pretty much all throughout our relationship. He is, obviously not perfect, but he stayed with me and kept me sane through things that I dare say would leave most with life long PTSD (I am incredibly lucky to not suffer from this and my heart goes out to everybody who does).
All this has also left me in a very specific situation, where on one hand, I’m not made of sugar, but on the other, I know I have to watch out for quite a bit of things, else it would not end well for me.
This family situation is, I’m 99% sure, not one of the things that could leave a dent on me. I admit it’s not a hundred percent, but in all honesty, very little things are. My therapist agrees with this too.
The conclusion is, why I am well aware of how serious marriage is (and because of my age I’ve had many talks with a priest on what to be ready for and the risks of getting married young), *I* (I’ll expand on why I’m highlighting the I in the next paragraph) am both fully convinced that this is the right thing for me, combining the opinions of me, my therapist and what I think God is telling me and incredibly privileged to be able to get out swiftly if things go south. I’ve navigated both the mental health and abuse system before, I own (yes, own, it’s fully mine, unlike the house which we live in now which is just being borrowed to us) an apartment that I can move into if I need to get out, more than enough money to recover from a bad situation and a good support system.
However, and this is when the I comes in. The last thing that I wanted to do with this reply was “prove” that you’re wrong and my life is actually perfect. I am 1000% open to any opinions and notes and criticisms and am incredibly grateful to you for taking the time to type this comment
I’m very glad to hear that you have a strong support system, as well as the financial means to remove yourself from this situation if it comes to that.
I think it might be smart to discuss the issues you’ve laid out in this post with your therapist, if you haven’t already. Preferably first on your own, so you can discuss how to best navigate these conversations with your fiancé. Then later, discuss the issues in a session when your fiancé, very gently (you don’t want him to feel like he’s being ganged up on).
It’s not that I think that the issues with his mom are going to “dent” you in a serious, trauma-causing way, at least not in some sort of immediate sense. Rather I worry that a life with this family is going to be immensely stressful in the years to come in ways that you can’t yet imagine. The fact that you have a means of “escape” (for lack of better word) does mean a lot and puts you in a much less precarious situation than I originally thought.
Please seriously consider moving into your apartment, especially if these problems don’t improve. I know you say his grandfather will be heartbroken, but you can’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, as the saying goes.
You seem like you have a really good head on your shoulders, especially given what you’ve already gone through. So free to disregard any or all of my advice — I am certainly no expert! I truly wish you the best. Hang in there.
Edited to add: Also, you made perfect sense! Your English is excellent — better than most native speakers.
I truly think you have a very bright future ahead of you; I just don’t want your fiancé’s dysfunctional family to get in the way of you achieving everything you are capable of. I hope you are planning to go to university. Again, I wish you all the best. ❤️
Soft YTA? Yes, she’s not mother of the year. But, it also is highly AH-ish to criticize a family while holding out your hand and accepting anything from that family. I strongly recommend moving into your own place. Then you don’t have to worry about their opinion of what you do with your space. This will always be theirs. If he contributed to it, it is still his and theirs and you are the outsider. Find something that is yours and his from the very beginning. Also, make sure you guys are on the same page regarding your future MIL BEFORE you officially get married or have any kids by this dude. Not sure if this guy is a momma’s boy or this is just one difference of opinion, but the flags are red honey.
Note taken and thank you so much 🙂 does it make it better that am paying fully for the renovations his grandfather wanted to do to the place? I hope this isn’t selfish of me, but I feel like that makes it a bit “mine” too, I guess. The money wasn’t a problem, so it’s not like I’m risking much, I just wanted to help contribute
If you’re so concerned about your sil, call cps. Go on. Do it. Also, children shouldn’t be getting married let alone judging how parents choose to parent. Is she a shitty parent? Probably. There’s a lot of evidence in your post that points to it. But here’s the thing. 3 people let the house get to where it is; her, her father (the Landlord and property owners who’s job is maintain his property) and your fiance who also lived there. I would move out immediately and call the city inspector. If the house is in such disarray, then it’s inhabitable. Finance’s grandfather is responsible for making the place habitable, if that’s even possible now. You can’t live with mold. It will make you seriously sick. Being in the one clean room house won’t make a difference. Mold spores travel through air vents. Esh.
Don’t live in a first world country, cps is not an option, or else I would, trust me, I can’t fit everything into 3000 characters