I (24F) have been dating my boyfriend (26M) for about 2 years. Overall things are good, we don’t fight a ton and usually communicate pretty well. But this week we had an argument that’s still not sitting right with me.
I work a pretty demanding job. It’s not my “dream job” but it pays my bills and I’ve been trying to move up. I’ve told him before that work stresses me out a lot. A few nights ago I came home exhausted and was venting to him about my boss and how overwhelmed I’ve been feeling lately.
Instead of just listening, he kinda laughed and said something like “well maybe if you had chosen a better career you wouldn’t be so stressed all the time.” He said it in a joking tone but it honestly hurt. I told him that was a messed up thing to say and he got defensive and said I was being too sensitive and that he was “just being honest.”
I ended up going to bed early because I didn’t want to argue more. The next day he told me I owed *him* an apology for snapping at him and making things awkward. I told him I wouldn’t apologize unless he apologized first for what he said about my job. Now he’s saying I’m being stubborn and dragging this out for no reason.
Some of my friends agree with me but one said I should just apologize to keep the peace since he “didn’t mean it that way.” Now I’m second guessing myself and wondering if I overreacted.
So… AITA?
Me after reading the title: NTA
Me after reading the title: holy shit NTA. Your bf is a big one though. This is absolutely a shitty thing to say someone you supposedly love. Having a shitty job to move up the chain is something almost everyone does. Not everyone stumbles upon their dream job on the first try. Also, if the guy I’m seeing casually can listen to me ranting about my work almost everyday, your boyfriend should damn well be doing it. This isn’t even boyfriend or relationship thing. We do the same for our friends and listen to them complain about work all the time. It’s what you do for the people you love specially when you know they’re in a stressful job because they’re ambitious.
Just playing devil’s advocate here: Do you complain a lot about your job? Because it really is tiresome to live with someone who is always complaining about a situation but refuses to do anything about it.
I don’t think I complain *constantly*, but I do vent sometimes, especially after rough days. I am actively trying to find a new job, so it’s not like I’m just refusing to do anything about it. I get that listening to complaints can be exhausting, but in this case I was just looking for support in the moment, not a solution or criticism.
NTA
What he ment was- maybe if you had a different career I would wouldn’t have to listen to this all the time.
He’s all about him. His feelings, his wants, his ease.
He’s using “just joking” to try and get out of taking responsibility. And he’s using tone policing and DARVO to make you out to be the problem so he can be the victim.
If this is only an occasional thing, you may be able to work through it, but don’t apologize for being a person with emotional needs looking for support and comfort in a relationship.
NTA. The thing is he DID mean it he said he was just being honest not that he it came out wrong. It came out how he intended and he didn’t like your reaction. He doesn’t respect where you’re putting your energy right now. And that certainly a conversation that needs had.
NTA. “He didn’t mean it that way.” Ok and? He said something that hurt your feelings. Do your hurt feelings matter to him or not?
A lot of young relationships struggle with this because it’s hard to put your ego aside and prioritize empathy for your partner. Did he say something objectively shitty? Not really. But he should care about how his words affect you, even if it wasn’t intended.
And honestly that’s such an easy thing to say. “Hey I absolutely did NOT intend for what I said to sound that way. I’m sorry that it did. To be clear, I don’t think that.”
Just please remember that he’s the one being stubborn here, because you’re advocating for a mutual apology which is usually best practice for happy adult relationships.
This.
And the moment he tells you that you’re being too sensitive, that’s when he should’ve fallen on the sword and expressed remorse, clarifying the record.
He’s the AH for not recognizing that
NTA
He became the AH the next morning when he demanded an apology from you.
For what? Communicating your feelings?
Nope.
NTA. If, as your friend claims, he “didn’t mean it like that”, then what did he mean? You don’t have anything to apologize for. His comment was really messed up. It’s also very concerning that he’s now playing the victim.
NTA but maybe consider a new job if you’re really unhappy every day when you get home. Speaking from experience I’ve tried to make jobs work because I did enjoy some aspect of it or was in survival mode. No job is going to be more committed to you than you are it though. I see it like a relationship where if you’re saying “the good days are good but the bad days are really bad” then that’s an abusive relationship and you should get out.
Your bf sounds like an AH because while I’m sure it is exhausting to listen to someone complain about the same thing every day and not do anything about it, his comment didn’t express concern for you, it instead made it sound like he thought you were dumb for making a bad choice. We never know what a work environment is going to be like until we’re in it. He then tried to dismiss your feelings and make it about himself. Like how dare he say something incredibly insensitive and you make him feel bad about it. If that type of situation is a regular occurrence then I’d be rethinking the relationship.
NTA and ignore the people saying complaining about your job is irritating. As partners we listen to each other.
Him being mean and then saying you’re being too sensitive – that’s a red flag right there. If I say something and the other person is hurt, it’s not my right to tell them they’re being too sensitive. I don’t control their feelings they do. I control what I say.
He can choose to say what he likes, he just has to live with the consequences and this consequence is that you were hurt. He owes you the apology.
NTA – he doesn’t respect you and it will get worse with marriage. Get a new boyfriend who’s a man and not a little boy.
NTA. Partners are supposed to support each other, he might not have meant it that way but he kinda did since he doubled down saying he was just being honest. Your friends are stupid why should you apologise to keep the peace?! Why can’t he?! You’re the 1 that had the shit day and was upset.
Apologizing to keep the peace = lying
Lying in a relationship = end of the relationship