My (27F) boyfriend and I started living together around two months ago. He works from home, and I have not been working during this time, so we spend a lot of time together.
I recently received a job offer that seems really good for me. It is a remote position, but they require about a month of in person training and orientation in another town before formally hiring me.
The company would pay for my plane tickets and accommodations, of course, but I had an issue. I really did not want to be apart from my boyfriend for an entire month. I considered traveling back every weekend, but that sounded exhausting and did not fully ease my anxiety about being away from him.
I was ready to turn down the offer, but my boyfriend encouraged me to take it and ultimately offered to travel and stay with me. Since he works remotely, it would not affect his job. I spoke with the company, and they said they had no issue with him coming, but they would not pay for him or allow him to stay in the company paid hotel room with me.
So we decided to rent an Airbnb together at our own expense, and I accepted the offer.
Once the training started, things became a bit awkward. Because I was not staying at the same hotel as the other recruits, I missed out on some networking opportunities. By the time I arrived, some of the women had already formed friend groups, and I felt left out. I have never been very social, and although I tried to insert myself into their dynamics, I was mostly ignored. It felt like high school.
Yesterday, at the end of the first week, I overheard a group of women planning an after work outing to a local bar. I managed to join the conversation, and they invited me. I texted my boyfriend the address so he could meet us there.
When he arrived at the bar, I introduced him to everyone, and things initially seemed fine. After some time, one woman who seemed to be one of the popular girls in the orientation pulled me aside and told me it was weird that I brought a man from outside the company to this event. She asked me to send him away.
I am not someone who handles confrontation well, and I found this really offensive, so I decided to leave with my boyfriend instead.
I have been crying since, because I am worried this will make me even more of a pariah for the next few weeks. I know it probably does not matter in the long run, but I still feel really bad about it.
YTA. Why do you need to have your boyfriend with you all the time? You were going to turn down a work opportunity while you were unemployed because you couldn’t spend a month away from him? That’s wild.
YTA. You bring your boyfriend on a month long training event in which his presence has prevented you from networking, and as if that was not bad enough, you then bring him to a work related networking event.
The whole thing is weird and really you sound very immature and codependent
I went back to see if she mentioned her age- I thought she must have been late teens/early twenties. She’s 27! She really needs to grow up and mature.
YTA. You were invited, he was not. You need to learn how to spend some time, and more than one day away from your boyfriend. If you want to be involved with other employees you need to realize that does not include him unless explicitly told to invite him along.
…sigh…YTA.
Unfortunately, a lot about this story is giving the impression that you are significantly co-dependent/dependent on your boyfriend in a way that isn’t healthy and is hampering your career. Even considering turning down a brilliant job in your twenties because you can’t bear to be apart for even a month (or not even a month- 5 weekdays at a time!) is really not sensible. A month-long airbnb rental at your expense is also kind of crazy to me- but I guess, if you must bring him- a sensible solution. Then, when staying apart from the rest of your colleagues is hampering networking abilities, as it obviously will, the one time you do manage to get an invite to someone else’s *work social event* you have to bring your man??? Someone politely informs you that bringing a significant other to a work event is odd (it is) and you storm out because it’s deeply offensive that a bunch of female coworkers don’t want a stranger’s boyfriend hanging around?
I fear that you may be the immature one here because referring to adult coworkers as ‘popular girls’ when they’re probably just being a regular amount of social, and insisting on bringing your man everywhere, is high school- not them.
Between the “popular girls” quip and the incessant crying, I feel like we’re not getting an accurate picture of the colleagues. They might just seem “popular” because they weren’t offsite with their boyfriends the whole time and are getting to know each other.
YTA your one of those girls who gets a boyfriend and then becomes attached at the hip to them. You should have asked before inviting someone not part of the group to attend. See a therapist to deal with your attachment issues it’s not healthy at all
I would not hire you.
Right?!
If I was hiring someone and they wrote back, I can’t stay for the month-long training without my boyfriend, I would rescind the offer on the spot! I’m not hiring teenagers! I need an adult!
YTA, you can’t spend one evening away from him? That is not healthy at all
Unfortunately YTA. Like other people have noted this does sound a lot like co-dependency. You are both adults. Bringing him along is one thing but then bringing him to a work event he was not specifically invited to was a weird move. You gotta learn to stand on your own two feet. Getting outside your comfort zone is difficult but I promise it will be worth it in the long run.
Babe you need to evaluate your dependence on your boyfriend. You were ready to turn down a good job opportunity while you were unemployed because you couldn’t be away from him for a *month*? You opted out of company paid accommodations just so you could stay together? And now you’re jeopardizing networking opportunities at a brand new company all because you can’t exist if your boyfriend isn’t glued to your side.
That’s not healthy. I understand you miss him but you should be able to exist apart from him for finite amounts of time.
As to the specific question: at the very least you should have asked before telling your boyfriend to meet you there. “That sounds fun! Is it cool if my boyfriend joins or is it more of a company only vibe?” The fact that you just automatically assumed he should be there without bringing it up, again points to your unhealthy level of dependence. This specific event may not matter in the long run but your insistence on prioritizing being around your boyfriend to the detriment of your participation in training and networking will.
I’m not going to call you an asshole and I do feel bad that people are piling on because it’s clear you’re struggling here, but yeah it probably wasn’t the best move.
Do your best to learn from this moving forward. And maybe get some therapy.
YTA. Buckle up, babes. He shouldn’t even be on the trip with you, let alone at the bar.
OP is seriously sabotaging herself. She mentioned that this is an orientation BEFORE they hire her, so this is basically probation. The fact that they do this month long event is so that coworkers can bond become familiar enough with each other to increase efficiency working remotely. She’s proving that she isn’t a team player.
Edit: thank you so much for the reward!