I (18f) and my sister (21f) both moved out of my mom’s house 2 weeks after I turned 18. Our homs life wasnt bad or anything but I just knew I wanted to be out of the home at 10 able to have my own place asap. When I originally started planning I told my sister that we could move out together and split rent as that would easier for both of to dip our feet into the world of financial responsibilities.
First off I want to say that my room is like the size a dorm room but besides that we have a full living room, bathroom and a cute kitchen. My sister got the bigger room because she was older which is quite literally 4 times the size of mine. Which I was okay with all of this but my sister struggles with depression and bpd as well and I dont know if that has anything to do with what I feel like im an asshole for complaining about but, when we moved out we both promised each other we would do our parts equally. But I am the only one who ever cleans the house. Right now im starring at a pile of dishes, most if which aren’t mine contemplating of I should just fold and do them.
Plus anytime and room in the house is a disgusting mess, I clean it.. the only room she’ll clean is hers and do her laundry. She will cook but not even ask if id rather her do the dishes. Ive mentions to her about 3 times since we moved in 4 months ago that I would like the house work to be equal. And all she ever tells me is either, "im struggling right now" or "I work alot and you have 10 times the amount of the time I do".
And to this I’ll say 1, I struggle with mental health to and its a constant battle but you have been stronger than the noise and 2 i do not have 10 times the amount of time she has considering im a full time college student , full time job and cleaning our house several times a week, plus if I want to go visit my family at any point. And I get where shes coming from I do, but its also a equal thing that we both agreed to. I agreed id move in with my sister not take care of her like my kid.. and I love her deeply but I just want her to see where im coming from. What do you guys think? Should I calm down and back up or what should i do?
Like I said ive tried to approach this gently several times but I always get hit with the same sentences and then I feel bad because she’ll start crying as well. And its not like she is working 16 hour shifts, she works a 9-5 and stays up til like 11 most nights and ive tried telling her that instead of being on the phone with her boyfriend watching a show she needs to prioritize what matters first.
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Why do you pay the rent equally if you live in a significantly smaller room? Doing chores has nothing to do with free time you have, you pay rent equally and you promised to share chores equally, she has to deal with it. NTA and find yourself a better roommate.
It’s only fun to live with siblings while you are at your parents. Or else the possibility of getting on each other’s nerves is a great possibility. I don’t think you should renew the lease with her and look for a studio space or a new roommate. She probably feels that she is older and you don’t have to tell her what to do and you feel like the she doesn’t prioritize the house.
Well, first congrats on moving out into your own place at 18. Juggling school and a full time job leaves very little time for patience for your older sister. You are right, she does need to prioritize what matters, but I don’t think she is going to accept hearing this coming from you. The way she’s acting, she’s older and therefore her wants top yours.
You are NTA for approaching her and she certainly is TA for not doing her part in sharing housework. Do you have a lease or are you month to month? Because I think in the end you both will be happier if you start looking for other living situations. Mental issues will not go away by staying on the phone and watching netflix. That’s stagnation.
She is manipulating you. Find a place and be completely independent.
Tell her you are leaving at the end of your one year lease unless she starts helping with chores equally.
NTA. If she’s not struggling too much to do a 9-5 job, she’s not struggling too much to do her share of housework. Living up to her adult responsibilities would be good for her mental health. You said you would “take care of her like my kid”? Not a good idea. Infantizing her is not doing either of you any favors. You’ve got a bad housemate; get a better one or accept that you’re her live-in maid.
NTA. Don’t renew your lease when this one is up. Be more careful who you decide to share space with. Roommates are hard to live with, even when it’s a romantic partner! She probably thought you’d be willing to give more grace because you’re the little sister, but you are not required to do that nor live like that. Tell her that if she’s going to continue these living habits, you’ll be needing to switch rooms so you can set up a kitchenette in your bigger room, and she can have to kitchen to clean herself. Tell her that you no longer wish to share spaces with her and she will be required to clean her own spaces on her own. You can keep to yourself, in your bigger room, and just keep that clean. Get yourself a mini fridge, a microwave, and a hot plate. Keep your own dishes in a tub in your room and only take them in and out to wash and bring back. OR…she can get it together and pull her weight.
You’re living a learning experience. She’s not coping or cut out for this right now without you hand-holding her constantly. I’d seriously consider moving home so that you are not the de facto caregiver here. Then…in hindsight…you can decide later when you (not both of you) can slip out on your own.
This is kinda your own fault for moving in with her when you knew about her mental health issues beforehand.
I am not diagnosed, but I struggle with anxiety and depression. There’s a point where you start making things other people’s problems. I have other people in my life who also struggled with/are actively fighting mental health issues. All of these are explanations, not excuses.
It’s not always a great idea for siblings to live together. Especially when they’re young and don’t have a lot of adult experience yet. It’s too easy to fall back into familial habits and not see each other as equals.
You talked with her about splitting chores before you moved in together. Which is great! You need to do that with any and every roommate always. Even with significant others.
But your sister didn’t live up to her end of the deal. I realize she’s struggling with some issues, but she can’t use those as excuses. And you can’t become her parent/caregiver.
Tell her you’ll be moving out at the end of the lease, if she doesn’t start pulling her share of the weight consistently. That at least gives her a chance to change her ways. But you need to be fully prepared to follow through.
NTA. Move out and find a different roommate.