I 25F have been friends with Lena 24F since we were kids. We grew up together, went to the same schools, and have always considered each other close. Even now, we talk regularly and hang out when we can. Over the years, I’ve noticed a pattern where she is very flexible with other people’s time, but expects everyone else to be extremely inflexible with hers. For instance, whenever we make plans, she’s often late, reschedules last minute, or changes details the day of. I usually let it slide because I know life happens, and she can be forgetful and overwhelmed sometimes. I don’t keep score, but I do usually end up being the one waiting around or rearranging my day.
Recently, we planned to attend a small event together that required booking tickets in advance. I told her upfront what time I’d be leaving and that I wouldn’t be able to wait around this time because I had another commitment later that evening. The day of the event, she messaged me saying she was running late and asked me to delay leaving by just 20 minutes. I reminded her of what I had said earlier and told her I’d still be leaving at the agreed time, but she was welcome to meet me there if she could. She got upset and said I was being rigid and unsupportive, and that as her friend I should be willing to adjust just a little. I stayed calm and explained that I had adjusted many times before, but this time I needed to stick to my schedule. I didn’t raise my voice or insult her I just left when I said I would. We’re still talking, but things have felt awkward since.
She mentioned later that she felt “abandoned” and that it hurt that I didn’t wait for her, even though I’d communicated my limits beforehand.Now I’m wondering if I was being selfish or if it was reasonable to finally hold a boundary.
So AITA for not adjusting my plans this time and leaving when I said I would?
NTA, though you have a few options with this friendship. Either accept that this will always be how it is and just let it be, start distancing yourself from her and let the friendship go or tell her times for things 20-30 minutes earlier than they actually are to give a cushion.
She may be a fine person, but no one is perfect, and it reads like she lacks the ability to see things from other perspectives.
NTA – if there is a set time, with purchased tickets, it is pretty clear that you’re not the one being inflexible.
Establishing your boundaries and timeline in advance is really important so she knew how things were going to be if she ran late.
I will say chronic lateness generally indicates an underlying mental health issue, unless there is a physical reason she is running late. Is there any way in the future to just pick her up and encourage her to finish getting ready on the way instead of just leaving her?
NTA. I found the comment about feeling abandoned a bit alarming to be honest. It comes across as pretty manipulative.
That’s what I’m saying because she’s very cautious with her time.
Definitely NTA, I have trouble seeing things from your friend’s perspective. Why does she feel you should rearrange your schedule to hers? And if she’s running late, what’s wrong with meeting there? I think it’s fine if your life is hectic and you know that you have trouble being on time, but I don’t see why you should expect others to change their schedule to accommodate you
But if you care about her, maybe reassure her that you would like your personal schedule to be more stable and are going to start leaving when you say you will, but that this is separate from your feelings for her and that you care about her as a friend.
NTA. She sounds exhausting tbh. I have a similar type of friend who actually cancels the last minute a lot. What I’ve learned early on is to not depend on her to be there. But I also limit the activities we do together. I don’t think you abandoned her and for her to try to make you feel bad about it is ridiculous.
Thank you very much I don’t want to stop being friends, I guess I’ll just limit my plans with her, and communicate properly when ever I’m making plans with her.
i would start distancing myself. a real friend would not make you jump through hoops with last minute changes so often. if we weee going to the same place i would always make it we will meet there. life is to short to deal with people like this who have no ability to see how their actions affect others. i am not sure if these changes are irresponsible, time management issues or some weard type of power play. regardless its not worth the drama.
Thank you very much.
You’re NTA. People who consistently run late or flake out on plans and expect everyone else to adjust to their tardiness are disrespectful of other people’s time. That’s an A-H move.
NTA, your friend is acting this way because it seems this is the first time you put your foot down about her inability to stick to a schedule. You clearly communicated you couldn’t be flexible and let her know that well in advance. You did nothing wrong. You’re both adults but only one of you is acting like it.
NTA. Leave on time. Meet her at the place. Go on as intended. And when she gets here she can join you. If you do this a few times she’ll start being on time
Your friend doesn’t think your obligations are important enough to override her plans with you. You have been flexible for so long she just has come to expect you to bend over backwards and accommodate her bad time management. Sometimes it’s ok, you have nothing else to do, so you put up with it, but in this instance you had a previous obligation you couldn’t be late for. She got upset because you put up a boundary and didn’t put her first. That’s not really a friend, a real friend would not only try to make the effort to be on time, but they would also be understanding that you have to be somewhere else at a certain time. NTA
I love how so called friends bring out the ‘supportive’ and ‘abandoned’ thing when they finally get called on their crappy behavior.
This doesn’t sound like a friendship I’d be keeping, this sounds more like its just a comfortable relationship for her as long as you are willing to do the adjusting.
There are limits no matter how good of a friend you think they are. If this only happened once in awhile I would say let it go, but its happened enough that you are posting about it. In future when you say you are leaving at a certain time, do it. Sounds like she has been given her share of free passes already.