tl;dr ex asked if i’ve seen anyone since we broke up, im aiming to fix things between us and start something new and do not know how to reply.
I (30 M) and ex-gf (30 F) broke up 4 months ago after dating for 2 years. She ended things because of insecurities and miscommunications, as well as long-distance. I reached out to her again a few days ago and we’ve spoken a little since, mostly seems friendly but neutral, no flirting etc. I reached out because I really miss her and thought this would be my last chance to reach out to her before the window closes forever.
I told her plainly that I reached out because I miss her, and she replied that she misses me too but nothing will change. She then asked if I’d gone out or dated any women since we broke up. Specifically she worded it "let me be open and ask you this – have you gone out or met any girls since we broke up?"
I’m not sure how to respond. I went through a promiscuous phase for the last few months and it made me miss her more each time. I want to be honest, and if there’s a chance (even slim atm) of reconciliation i don’t want it to be built on a lie. But I’m also annoyed she asked this, it’s none of her business.
I’m worried being honest this early when things are so fragile will torpedo things irrevocably especially since the main reason she ended things was because of insecurities, I also don’t want to lie, and if i avoid then it answers her question anyway.
Tell her the truth if you want a relationship with her. It’s up to her if that’s a deal breaker, but if it is then why would you want to be with someone who can’t accept your past
You don’t know how to respond to someone you’ve known for 2 years? You have two choices be honest or lie. Which is the precedent you’d like to set?
Had to upvote this, some of these relationship posts are ridiculous.
I mean, two years is a very long time. I feel like of course she will want to know. BUT why not be honest (leave out the promiscuous part) and say you’ve dated around and that caused you to do some re-evaluating of what the two of you had together and that you just wanted to check in with her and see if she ever misses what you guys had??
What have you got to lose at this point?
If you want to be in a relationship with her again you need to be honest. Imagine if you lie and she end up finding out the truth 10 years down the line. If she can’t get passed the truth then she was not the one for you.
Preface I’m speaking as a woman who myself would see people the moment after breaking up, and not seeing anything wrong with seeing people while single. I think, though, her asking if you started being promiscuous after breaking up as completely valid, and an honest answer is completely valuable. If she does not want someone that would go and seek attention/validation through other people, all the while claiming you wanted her the whole time, she deserves someone who would choose taking some time to themselves versus knowingly wasting other peoples’ time.
And again, I’d do the same as you right after a breakup. I enjoy the experience of meeting new people. But if I were doing all of that, using other people as replacements for what I actually want as opposed to trying new things to truly get over what I’d assume is in the past, I wouldn’t presume the other person should put up with my self-serving behavior. We can’t have our cake and eat it, too. I think it’s valuable to accept who you are–if you want new experiences, get ready to give up the old ones. If you want to hold on to a previous lover, and expect them to take you back in a heartbeat, you have to continue to be respectful to their feelings and that commitment. No one gets to take a break from respecting people and go right back to how things used to be whenever is convenient to them.
Either tell her the truth or tell her you’d prefer not to discuss that topic at this time. Either could backfire on you really, so take your pick. Just don’t lie.
She’s testing the waters honestly, if she really didn’t care she wouldn’t ask. Just be straight up about it, the truth always comes out eventually anyway
Truthfully
I may be wrong but with her saying nothing will change makes me think she has checked out and no going back. I wish you luck OP
If you are hoping for some kind of reconciliation you tell her the absolute truth.
Not that you need to provide an in-depth explanation for every encounter.
Just tell the truth, don’t trick her into dating you if that’s a dealbreaker for her
When my boyfriend and i broke up briefly a few years ago, we both dated around. We were only broken up for a month and a half before reconnecting and we did have the same conversation. I don’t know what your dynamics are, but when i asked him if he saw other people and slept with them, he told me that yes, he did, and so did i, although he never asked me that. It didn’t bother me because that time didn’t involve me and we weren’t together. I guess somehow i appreciated that he went to explore and see other people because that sort if led him back to me…? I dont know. But something like that.
I think you should be honest because there is nothing wrong with dating around when you’re single, which you are.
For some people, there are some differences between you truly missed them vs. you truly missed them after you had messy times elsewhere. I feel the things may not go to the good side if you tell her, since you mentioned insecurity was one of the issue.