Throwaway account because I need some perspective. And I will totally own my responsibility for anything that is my fault in this situation.
This is a long story, but things have been getting progressively worse over the last year.
Partner and I have been together for several years. In that time, he’d make comments about how I wasn’t contributing to the household, wasn’t doing enough to help around the house, etc. It mainly centered on money, and I understood that I could be making more and I made an effort to keep looking for full-time work while also taking care of my kids and still working those parttime jobs. I got super sick when I first got pregnant and it made it difficult to keep a schedule.
Finding steady work was hard. Emotional turmoil was also hard. Dad passed in 2018. By 2020, I wanted to get my PhD so that I could also try to find better opportunities to support the family. Partner agreed and so I started in 2022, after he got his MA. However, about a year into my degree pursuit, partner started criticizing me more and more about the choices I’d made. I was still looking for full-time work, still working parttime all the while and taking care of the house.
He told me what I was doing was a waste of time, that I wasn’t contributing to the family, and that I was destroying our children’s childhoods because I was selfish for getting a degree. He’s been blaming me for our current living situation–a situation that we were in because he’d been trying to help take care of his sister several years before, and was supposed to be paid by his parents for but never told me about.
Even though he didn’t want to help with the budget, I really took his words to heart. I’ve worked to break down my debt this year, and my responsbility for what’s going on in our finances. I’ve worked to consolidate my payments into more manageable ones. I’ve also been working on finding full-time work when and where I can.
I approached him the other day, because I was concerned about his emotional wellbeing with everything going on. I said it might be beneficial to maybe consider talking to someone to help with the frustration. Each time he’s refused and indicated that I am the only one that needs to work on my problems rather than him.
I know that I have my own issues and I will admit that I haven’t been the greatest communicator or financially savvy person prior to trying to tidy everything up. But I truly wanted to try to make steps forward and it feels like whenever I try to make a positive change, the negativity keeps coming back. I know I can’t change his reactions or his personality, and I don’t want to. I just need to know if I am the one causing this issue to be worse than it is. So, AITA?
NTA and seriously, would being a single parent really be worse than Iiving with this … man?
At the very least, he’s TA for ignoring that child care is a full time job.
NTA, and I encourage you to read this book: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
NTAH really. I’d say it is both of your responsibilities to take care of children and the finances. But I have a few questions.
Does he help around the house? With the kids etc?
You said you work and do the stuff at home. That already takes a lot of energy. Doing house work alone is more than a full-time job.
I also have another question, which is just idk.. did he need to study the MA? Cuz he said it’s selfish of you to study (which is not) or did he do it cuz you had a master’s degree? Is he by any chance jealous you’re doing a PhD and he doesn’t/can’t? Idk why I got this feeling.
But in anyway you need to talk to him and tell him honestly how you feel.
It’s not easy to handle all of these things alone.
Most of the time it’s just me handling stuff at home. I run errands and try to take care of the groceries and laundry and stuff. I spend a good amount of time taking care of the kiddos. It’s one of the reasons he said I’ll never amount to anything.
He’s being really unfair. You’re doing all of these things and handling studies. You need to share everything evenly.
Just look him square in the eye and tell him your are going to reach your full potential like he has, hench you will be picking up his domestic work load and he yours.
That you will be playing according to his playbook, and thank him for pointing it out to you and his willingness to step up to make it possible for you to do as he has done.
Then go for it. Don’t yield. He has to pay the bill his yapper signed for.
A man takes pride in providing, a woman takes pride in providing, both appreciate the load the partner picks up. No room for boys or girls in a relationship, it takes men and women to mske it work.
Why would you want to be with someone who would tell you that you’ll never amount to anything?
NTA, you’re being abused. Get you and your kids out of there, asap.