Am I the asshole for calling off brunch plans with my friend? I texted her on Thursday because I’m coming home from across the country. I have a ton of people I wanted to see because I have been gone for so long and I made time for her. We agreed on a day for Sunday, but she went radio silent after suggesting brunch and didn’t contribute to planning it at all. She also mentioned she had something at 4pm on Sunday
It is now Saturday night and she never responded or contributed to making brunch plans. It was me basically putting options in the chat and not getting a response. The time for Sunday for when we were meeting up was not confirmed either. It’s 8pm at night now, and I text her to ask her if it is still on. She then said yes but was still not agreeing to a place and it felt like it was just me trying to make the plans. When I said I didn’t want to go anymore because I don’t like last minute planning she said, she made time for me and that she usually makes plans in advance but that she was just really busy today. She said she didn’t care where we ate, but she did not communicate that to me at all. And it’s annoying. We are all busy. Am I being unreasonable for being annoyed? For one of the options I put in the chat she said the “wait was too long”, but didn’t suggest elsewhere, so she clearly didn’t want to go here. Just felt like my time was being disrespected and the piss poor communication was a mood killer pre-brunch and i just wasn’t feeling it anymore.
Your friend should’ve been more responsive and contributed to making plans, but I also think it’s a little icky to text to confirm it’s still on, and then cancel right after confirming. Though I do definitely understand your frustration and how hectic it can be just coming back from abroad.
I have a couple friends who are notoriously bad texters and suck at making plans, but are still great pals. Is this usual for your friend? If so it’s just kinda a hazard of the field when you choose to have a relationship with people. Similar to how some people are always late or can be a little blunt/rude. I guess a little more context on your friendship with this person is needed
I agree it’s a little rude to ask if you’re still on and then say NM.
But the friend should offer a little more feedback and be more responsive. But she doesn’t seem to care, so I’d pick what worked for me. I’d be more direct and say “Great, meet you at 10 am at Bob’s Brunch Place?”
Exactly. There are some people who are worth the annoyance of being difficult to make plans with, others aren’t. Either way totally understand OP’s frustration
She didn’t suggest another option either after saying that one was too long of a wait. So at that point there was no plan really. And no consideration for why I wanted to do. Just winging it a the plan falling through because we haven’t decided on a place to go is annoying. It’s like asking someone where they want to eat and them pushing it back alll of it on you
I don’t blame you. I would pass on going out with someone who seems dismissive of me.
I gave her options then she said the wait was too long at the one I suggested. Then said she didn’t care where we ate… after I called her out on it. She clearly cares about the long wait bc she didn’t agree to that option
“Nah, the wait is too long.”
I agree your friend’s behavior was shitty. She is the primary AH here for sure. It would have pissed me off too. I also think you could have saved yourself some bullshit by being more direct sooner. After getting no response a couple of times, just say “hey I need us to confirm these plans by tomorrow [or whatever time is reasonable] or else let’s reschedule for another time as I’m juggling a lot” and then it’s up to her to get it together or not. If not, then you can move on instead of continuing to put in more effort and get more annoyed. If you don’t want to be making plans at the last minute, then decline to do so. I think it’s a bit passive aggressive to say “are we still on? Yes? No we’re not.” I think you wanted to punish her a bit for stressing you out – which is often what we do when we want to let someone know that they’ve wronged us but for whatever reason can’t bring ourselves to just say so. Again, I fully understand the impulse, but there are ways to avoid things getting this far.
NTA as she’s the main problem, but just for your own sake I think you could have handled this better.
I didn’t realize I was doing this consciously but I can see that. I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. I texted her at noon today, then again at 8pm she didn’t reply until I called her out. I def could have handled this better. But her excuses of being busy was shitty because we are all busy
NTA, I’d have been mad too.
Nope you are busy
Been in your shoes, but I have to say ESH. She clearly wasn’t present and communicating and I get it, it’s really annoying and disrespectful. However, you could have told her you need to lock plans by a certain time and after that, you’ll make other plans. No drama, no last minute pissy cancellation.
NTA
Sounds like your friend wasn’t too bothered to meet you. Hopefully you spent your time with people who actually make space for you.
YTA I’m sorry but either say no when she texts you back or stick to your initial answer calling it off right after saying you’re still down is kind of shitty